Occasionally I need to step out of the world of politics to address something even more fucked up than Washington. This week is one of those times. The final episode of Battlestar Galactica aired on Friday and it was like having explosive diarrhea shoot out of my television. After four years of enjoying one of the best television shows on television, it was a massive let down, a pathetic end to a great show, a lazy finale with a final two minutes that should have made any fan cringe with embarrassment. Other than that, it was great.

Battlestar Galactica excelled at capturing the reality of politics in space, much like the way The Muppet Show perfectly created the essence of what it would be like for pigs to be in space. Not that I know what politics in space is like, but BSG’s different factions behaved in exactly the way one would expect people to when confronted by a horrible enemy -- and each other. They left behind a world with an economic and political system much like ours and were immediately thrust into survival mode. The show’s creators built a world in which the leaders attempted to keep the last humans alive while still maintaining some of what they left behind. It was very well done.

It had a realistic feel to it because the events paralleled what America was going through with 9/11, the Iraq War, Bush’s attack on civil rights, suicide bombings, torture and just about anything else you could think of. It wasn’t the type of popular science fiction we’d been subjected to recently. The humans were very good and very bad. There was no fairy tale world of Star Trek or the black and white good vs. evil battle of Star Wars. It was gritty and the heroes did some pretty awful shit –- because the show explored the complexity of people. Some people were all for raping Cylons, others not so much. That seems pretty dead on (I am against Cylon rape).

Which is why is was so disappointing to see the show turn into a giant pile of ass in its final episode.

There were so many gaping holes and carelessly tossed away plotlines in the finale it was sickening. I will now assume you watched this turd and get down to it.

I’m going to avoid the first hour of the repeated shocking conveniences that occurred during the battle, but they were amazingly weak. Thankfully, the creators set up the show under the umbrella of “It’s all God’s will,” so they could dump a turd on my screen and then say, well, “That’s what God wanted.” Um, no. Fuck your Dean Stockwell blowing his brains out and your dead person launching a nuke and the fact that “Opera House” didn’t actually mean anything. Just because its God's will, doesn't mean it has to be lazy and stupid.

Now let me get to the super bad character choices. Guyas Baltar was a character that at times was hard to watch. The actor’s constant teary-eyed performances put Jim Carey’s “I want an Oscar” shit to shame, but I loved that he was becoming a religious leader. He had a cult and it grew larger and larger. It was dangerous to the political world the show had created and a lot of time was spent on the storyline over the last season, which would make one think the new religion would play significantly in the finale. Nope. In the second to last episode, we learned that Guyus now had the largest following in the entire fleet. Pretty complex situation. Wonder where that’s going to go? Oh, how about, he just walks out the fucking door. Yeah, after two seasons of build up, the new Joseph Smith said, “Nice knowing you” to his cult and, in two minutes, decided to show some courage.

Retarded, totally unjustified and a complete cop out. Crazy lazy writing. Absolute shit.

Kara Thrice? Poof. Gone. Quite simply, not handled well after all the build up. See Dead Stockwell blowing his brains out above and Baltar walking away from his cult. It’s just an end and not much more.

I actually could have handled those really, really bad resolutions. But then they took a giant turd on the political reality of the show, which was its backbone. So, they find Earth II Electric Boogaloo and they decide to leave technology behind, not build cities and spread out across the planet. How do they arrive at this decision? Well, father and son Adama take a walk in a field and decide that’s the way to go.

And that’s it.

Because after watching a show that, season after season, focused on the political differences between people, the choices they made and their reaction to ever changing circumstances, the most profound decision ever to be made by these 30 some odd thousand humans, boiled down to two guys walking near a lake and having a convo. Dudes just decided for everybody. Because they talked it out, man. Actually, they didn't talk it out. One of them just said it. And the other basically went, "Sweet."

Nobody said a peep. It was a just great idea. EVERYBODY was on board with this decision, after seasons of watching different political factions scream at each other, ships trying to mutiny, an attempted revolution, contested elections and on and on. It just came down to two dudes believing this was the way to go. They took everything the show had been about and with one conversation, wiped it clean. All gone. No mas. It was really the only way to cram the Lucy idea and the creation of our society into the Hera story. But it wasn’t handled well, and in doing so they took a shit on everything the show had been. And when you have that much time to wrap up an excellent series, that is an unacceptable conclusion.

So, booooooo.

You want to see how to wrap up a series? Go watch the final Star Trek: The Next Generation.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper