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  • TUESDAY MARCH 24 2009 6:00 AM

Battlestar Galactica Finale Sucked Ass

Occasionally I need to step out of the world of politics to address something even more fucked up than Washington. This week is one of those times. The final episode of Battlestar Galactica aired on Friday and it was like having explosive diarrhea shoot out of my television. After four years of enjoying one of the best television shows on television, it was a massive let down, a pathetic end to a great show, a lazy finale with a final two minutes that should have made any fan cringe with embarrassment. Other than that, it was great.

Battlestar Galactica excelled at capturing the reality of politics in space, much like the way The Muppet Show perfectly created the essence of what it would be like for pigs to be in space. Not that I know what politics in space is like, but BSG’s different factions behaved in exactly the way one would expect people to when confronted by a horrible enemy -- and each other. They left behind a world with an economic and political system much like ours and were immediately thrust into survival mode. The show’s creators built a world in which the leaders attempted to keep the last humans alive while still maintaining some of what they left behind. It was very well done.

It had a realistic feel to it because the events paralleled what America was going through with 9/11, the Iraq War, Bush’s attack on civil rights, suicide bombings, torture and just about anything else you could think of. It wasn’t the type of popular science fiction we’d been subjected to recently. The humans were very good and very bad. There was no fairy tale world of Star Trek or the black and white good vs. evil battle of Star Wars. It was gritty and the heroes did some pretty awful shit –- because the show explored the complexity of people. Some people were all for raping Cylons, others not so much. That seems pretty dead on (I am against Cylon rape).

Which is why is was so disappointing to see the show turn into a giant pile of ass in its final episode.

There were so many gaping holes and carelessly tossed away plotlines in the finale it was sickening. I will now assume you watched this turd and get down to it.

I’m going to avoid the first hour of the repeated shocking conveniences that occurred during the battle, but they were amazingly weak. Thankfully, the creators set up the show under the umbrella of “It’s all God’s will,” so they could dump a turd on my screen and then say, well, “That’s what God wanted.” Um, no. Fuck your Dean Stockwell blowing his brains out and your dead person launching a nuke and the fact that “Opera House” didn’t actually mean anything. Just because its God's will, doesn't mean it has to be lazy and stupid.

Now let me get to the super bad character choices. Guyas Baltar was a character that at times was hard to watch. The actor’s constant teary-eyed performances put Jim Carey’s “I want an Oscar” shit to shame, but I loved that he was becoming a religious leader. He had a cult and it grew larger and larger. It was dangerous to the political world the show had created and a lot of time was spent on the storyline over the last season, which would make one think the new religion would play significantly in the finale. Nope. In the second to last episode, we learned that Guyus now had the largest following in the entire fleet. Pretty complex situation. Wonder where that’s going to go? Oh, how about, he just walks out the fucking door. Yeah, after two seasons of build up, the new Joseph Smith said, “Nice knowing you” to his cult and, in two minutes, decided to show some courage.

Retarded, totally unjustified and a complete cop out. Crazy lazy writing. Absolute shit.

Kara Thrice? Poof. Gone. Quite simply, not handled well after all the build up. See Dead Stockwell blowing his brains out above and Baltar walking away from his cult. It’s just an end and not much more.

I actually could have handled those really, really bad resolutions. But then they took a giant turd on the political reality of the show, which was its backbone. So, they find Earth II Electric Boogaloo and they decide to leave technology behind, not build cities and spread out across the planet. How do they arrive at this decision? Well, father and son Adama take a walk in a field and decide that’s the way to go.

And that’s it.

Because after watching a show that, season after season, focused on the political differences between people, the choices they made and their reaction to ever changing circumstances, the most profound decision ever to be made by these 30 some odd thousand humans, boiled down to two guys walking near a lake and having a convo. Dudes just decided for everybody. Because they talked it out, man. Actually, they didn't talk it out. One of them just said it. And the other basically went, "Sweet."

Nobody said a peep. It was a just great idea. EVERYBODY was on board with this decision, after seasons of watching different political factions scream at each other, ships trying to mutiny, an attempted revolution, contested elections and on and on. It just came down to two dudes believing this was the way to go. They took everything the show had been about and with one conversation, wiped it clean. All gone. No mas. It was really the only way to cram the Lucy idea and the creation of our society into the Hera story. But it wasn’t handled well, and in doing so they took a shit on everything the show had been. And when you have that much time to wrap up an excellent series, that is an unacceptable conclusion.

So, booooooo.

You want to see how to wrap up a series? Go watch the final Star Trek: The Next Generation.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper


 

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tuba_man

tuba_man

Twentynine Palms, CA
March 2005

MAR 24, 2009 06:21 AM

But... it was entertaining?

*shrug* I managed to enjoy it, even with the creationism-sized plot hole of "godddidit"! I guess they decided that they wanted to not only mirror the personal and political climate of the War on Terror (TM), but the utter lack of thought of the religious right too.

Topgun86

Topgun86

Valrico, FL
October 2005

MAR 24, 2009 06:55 AM

This article is giant lulz, you didn't even spell the main characters name's right.

Oh and they made it completely clear what Kara Thrace was. She was sent back from the dead by god to help the fleet find earth. Remember Anders saying "I'll see you on the other side" right before he was sent off to die.

It was an amazing use of 2 hours and they tied up most of loose knots.

TheManInBlack

TheManInBlack

Minneapolis, MN
December 2004

MAR 24, 2009 07:35 AM

If I wrote a review of the last episode, it would read much like this one. I would spell Gaius Baltar's name correctly, though.

sunflower122

sunflower122

Winsted, CT
September 2008

MAR 24, 2009 07:59 AM

The first 60 minutes were incredible, maybe the best action sequence of the show. Ramming Galactica into the Cylon ship was too much and then when they came to the agreement on the spot for their mutual survival,which is what propelled the show along,after Herra lead them all to that fateful moment. I thought it was perfect. Then to have the final 5 download resurrection to the Cylons and the drama that played out was wow and justified! I think maybe you need to watch it again because the show was always about fate and plan, everyone seemed to be a victim of fate, but in the end plan was shown to be a greater force reguardless of their own decesions. Come on now, you did not like how that song, "there must be some way out of here", when she punched in the numbers into the FTL drive was not great?
I think the writers did a nod to Star Trek and the prime directive in their decesion to abondon their technology, it was the force behind the viscious cycle anyway, and start from scratch. If only life could be that simple!
The Baltar story line was about redempetion and he was always motivate by his love for Caprica 6 and it was a nice twist to know she was having the same experience. It both leading and guiding to that moment when they really understood what love really is or to simply being allowed to have that chance.Love was what the Cylons wanted, not ressurrection and that is what they resented so much in humans.No matter how advanced their technolgy became it eluded them and the 5 had no choice but to become part of humanity to attain that. It was clear that for all this was the lynch pin playing out this drama and it is the force that allows us greater insight into the unseen world that we are very much a part of.
I agree the wrap up with Kara, although it was clear she had become an angel and her good by to Sam was touching, you wanted more. As for Admiral and Laura it was not as emotionally moving as it could have been but we had felt so much of their pain over the years with them, plus their characters had always been drivin by forces outside themselves.The fianlly made the deesion they wanted too.I think they also stressed the theme about how dreams and aspirations are another aspect of our nature,as it seemed for Boomer too, we can so clearly manifest it in our minds that it can become a reality. Bill only wanted to share a simple dream with Laura and he was able to take her to that perfect moment . As Laura whispered " So much life"
I think if you watch it again in a week you might have another view. It will be on Hulu on Friday of Saturday.

McKenneth

McKenneth

Macedon, NY
August 2005

MAR 24, 2009 08:17 AM

In the immortal words of Bill Lumberg, "Yeah... I'm gonna have to go ahead and... disagree with you there."

sunflower122

sunflower122

Winsted, CT
September 2008

MAR 24, 2009 08:29 AM

I 'd be curious what other fans of the show think of the ending?

nicole_powers

nicole_powers

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

MAR 24, 2009 08:56 AM

TheManInBlack said:
If I wrote a review of the last episode, it would read much like this one. I would spell Gaius Baltar's name correctly, though.



I think FTR was making a comment here: guy + ass = Guyas Baltar

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

MAR 24, 2009 09:04 AM

nicole_powers said:

TheManInBlack said:
If I wrote a review of the last episode, it would read much like this one. I would spell Gaius Baltar's name correctly, though.



I think FTR was making a comment here: guy + ass = Guyas Baltar



guy + ass - s?

ViquiV

ViquiV

STAFF

Santa Monica, CA

MAR 24, 2009 09:16 AM

I'm so glad you deviated from your usual to make this statement. HAD to be made, what a load of shit, indeed. Waste of my time! Though there were some pretty cool battle scenes.
And I have to disagree with you about Baltar, he's one of my favorite characters. I can't blame him for leaving his following for Six, I mean look at her! Would you leave those boring hags for hot Blondie? Especially knowing you get a two-for-one special.

Lycoris

Lycoris

Toronto, ON
October 2005

MAR 24, 2009 09:26 AM

As usual, you've articulated what I could not.

Bleh.

nicole_powers

nicole_powers

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

MAR 24, 2009 09:29 AM

MrCrisp said:
guy + ass - s?



Mathematically speaking that would be correct. I was being more metaphorical, but humbly stand corrected and in awe of your superior calculus skills.

noclevername

noclevername

USA
May 2003

MAR 24, 2009 09:38 AM

I'm still trying to decide if Ron Moore is a self-loathing Luddite religious freak or if his final moral was humanity and cylonity are in the end, really fucking dumb and were too blinded by a stupid, sentimental idea to see they'd be dead in the woods inside a year. I had always taken from the show that the religious angle was completely subject to interpretation. I didn't realize with 40 minutes to go I'd suddenly be watching Touched By An Angel.

At least this saves me $50 for the season 4 dvds.

notguilty

notguilty

Long Beach, CA
July 2008

MAR 24, 2009 10:20 AM

what pist me off was that Brother Cavel got off easy. He just committed suicide. I was really hoping for a long slow satisfying death for him. Oh Well. It was god overall. But with Lee standing in that field it made the death of Dualla pointless. After all he went threw there is no love for Lee to walk into the sunset with? He didnt get Kara he didnt get D he got nothin. I felt that was wrong.An the guy who reviewed neesds to calm down!

Heigai

Heigai

Columbus, OH
May 2004

MAR 24, 2009 11:06 AM

It was Jungian. If you want to complain that it was Jungian noodling, there's certainly justification, but everything that happened in that finale was signposted in the frakkin' pilot so I'm continuing to be surprised by the nerd-rage that FTR has most recently re-iterated.

Consider "God's Plan" as a corrupt computer program. The series need not be spiritual at all, in fact, as long as you take the collective subconscious into account, which the finale makes clear that we should.

Heigai

Heigai

Columbus, OH
May 2004

MAR 24, 2009 11:12 AM

Also, as far as the Adama/Adama "decision," we already saw what happens when you try to go on with the unsustainable tech of the fleet; New Caprica. Was New Caprica a good place for humanity even before the Cylons came back, FTR? Emphatically not. So they get to the point where their ships are falling the fuck apart, their gunship can't function anymore, and everything is still equally unsustainable. Why would they try to re-create the massive fucking failure that was New Caprica? Why not enjoy the multitude of delicious meat-animals that don't know they're supposed to be afraid of you yet? It seems better than living in shacks made of blast-scorched ship metal.

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