News > Culture > Open Letter From an Addict

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FRIDAY DECEMBER 5 2008 9:30 AM

My name is Mike, and I am an addict. I am currently in recovery and am making permanent changes to my life and my ways of thinking. I will never be able to be totally free from the disease of addiction, but I can always keep myself strong enough to keep it under arrest. I am writing this column because those in the recovery community — rehabs, AA, NA, CA, and Oxford Houses — saved my life. They saved me from a horrible, selfish and careless form of self-destruction. It is said often in the literature of recovery that we can only keep what we have by giving it away, and I've found it to be true. But a more accurate way to put it is that the more you share the things that helped you, the more people you can help, and the more people there will be there for you when you might need them. It all works synergistically, if you take part.

My purpose is not, however, to preach. This column is addressed to everyone who can read. Addiction is a lethal phenomenon that plagues our society. It does not discriminate based on race, gender, creed, economic status, or sexual orientation. It has the power to make the rich poor, the educated utterly stupid, the talented almost unable, and the positive all but hopeless. Simply put, it kills without any regard. But it can be combated, through knowledge. The addict must come to know themselves and their thought patterns, and society must get to know what addiction brings. It is on that latter point that I can elaborate a bit. I can do this by doing what has helped so many addicts and alcoholics before me; telling my story.

I was born into the comfy world of white middle class America. I attained straight As through grammar and high school, had a good group of friends and stayed away from the party and drug scene. I went off to college, and on the day I arrived, proclaimed my vehement opposition to drugs and alcohol; I became a "straight edge."

This mindset stayed with me into Graduate School. I got through my first year there before deciding that the intoxication-free lifestyle was not for me. It didn't take long until I started drinking frequently. It went from social drinking to sneaking bottles of coke and gin into class. After a few months, I was prescribed Vicodin by a doctor whose clinic dispensed printed-out prescriptions. Knowing Photoshop as well as I did, I got the bright idea to start altering the prescriptions and turning them into various pharmacies.

Within a week, I was off to the races. From there, it was a blur of painkillers and Benzodiazapines. I soon cut off contact with my family, friends, peers, and teachers. In November of 2006, I was arrested on 10 counts of forgery and possession of a controlled substance. I am currently in the court system for this offense. I continued to use, finding other drugs with which to get around drug tests, the drinking got worse, and I started running school and my relationship. I became verbally abusive, completely selfish, and an utterly negative bastard.

In April of 2008, I was finally caught up in my lies by the court and placed into jail and then inpatient treatment. I stayed there for almost 90 days, until I went to a halfway house, where I have resided for more than 3 months. I have lost a wife, two children through miscarriage, gotten kicked out of graduate school, and accumulated a vast amount of debt. Trust in me is a rare thing now, but slowly rebuilding.

Simply put, I threw away most of the good things in my life, to pursue substances that would only make me feel horrible hours after I took them. This is insanity, pure and simple. I have no power over pills, the bottle, or any other substance that alters my mind. Once I am under the influence, all I can do is want more. This is my burden, but I bear it with pride, for it has allowed me to drop all selfish pride and start becoming a better person.

Though this is just my story, it contains the same self-centered, dishonest, and utterly crazy obsessive-compulsive actions that exist in every addict's story. This common thread is what makes addiction so simple a thing, but yet so tough to beat. It is right there in your face, but you cannot reason with it.

So why is this important to you? Chances are, you know or have known someone who is an addict or dealing with addiction in some form. And the sad fact is that both the addict and those who are affected by another's addiction need all the help that they can get. This doesn't mean going way out of your way, but it does mean understanding and attempting some basic empathy.

The addict did not choose to become addicted, but he/she is responsible for their recovery. Asking the question, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" is the wrong question, because there really is no answer. It is not the why that is important, but the how. It is how the addict will change his or her life that should be examined.

That answer is not always the same, but for almost any successful story, it involves some kind of support network: friends, family, NA or AA, or a form of substance abuse treatment. Sometimes it will take all of these — I know for me it did, and I was not anywhere near the worst case on the spectrum.

This, however is just the tip of the iceberg on this topic. As I go along in this column, there will be much more to talk about. But without discourse, without people being engaged, there is only so much I can say. So please, feel free to ask questions. I've seen a lot of things and heard a lot of stories. I currently live with addicts and meet more every day, so I have a lot of answers to a lot of questions. Remember, knowledge is power, arm yourselves.

Until next time, stay positive, stay open-minded, and most importantly, stay sober!

Disclaimer: This article is written from the point of view of one single addict. It is not intended to give any definitive answers to medical, psychological, or legal issues. Anyone having problems with addiction/alcoholism should contact either their doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, nearest substance abuse treatment center, Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous hotline, or all of the aforementioned.

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Comments

Lily

SUICIDEGIRL

I'm lost

DEC 05, 2008 02:57 PM

I'm looking forward to see where you go with this.

Graffiti_Hunter

Atlanta, GA

November 2006

DEC 05, 2008 06:00 PM

Funny how people stubble onto to things that become amazingly useful. As of late I have been REALLY stuggling with my addictions. Just like many addicts in time of trouble but I was feeling very alone and stranded. I wasn't sure how I feel back into it this tangled mess but this simple column has actually given me the direction that I was unable to see. Its always amazed me how blinding addiction can be......
Thank you for opening my eyes!
Alexis

AlexanderW

Woodinville, WA

June 2008

DEC 05, 2008 06:19 PM

Thank you for this testimonial. There's so much truth and wisdom in your words and I hope that you continue to recover from the addictions you have. I am a recovering alcoholic and Buddhist and have worked hard to create an alternative to the Judeo-Christian language and mindset of the 12-step programs. One phrase you mentioned was so very important - "The addict did not choose to become addicted, but he/she is responsible for their recovery." This is so true and it also requires the support of others and an end to the downward cycle of isolation. I'd add one more thing and not get preachy either - addiction in one form or another is a universal human trait that in Buddhist teachings would be craving and desire gone to extremes. No one is immune to it.
Good luck with your recovery and to all those who read this most thoughtful article.

estate_tacks

Waukegan, IL

August 2006

DEC 05, 2008 09:28 PM

You are most welcome. I hope that you get that moment of clarity that can turn it around for you. Remember, it's there, you just have to experience it. Keep on keppin on, sir. This too shall pass.

estate_tacks

Waukegan, IL

August 2006

DEC 05, 2008 09:39 PM

It's funny that you mention Buddhism and the twelve steps. I too am a Buddhist and had many a struggle with the spiritual aspect of the twelve steps. I did, however, find a way. This is actually going to be part of my next piece; spirituality. Keep your eyes peeled.

repus

Makawao, HI

October 2007

DEC 06, 2008 03:31 AM

i'm inside the mind of a junkie and i don't know what he will do next
the thoughts that register in his mind do not make much sense
the only thing that matters is the high he will receive
he will do anything for cash and the whole game is deceiving

all he really wants is to feel a real good high
and he's willing to take that chance when he knows that he can die

selfish thoughts run through his head, confusion is his mental block
heroin is his medicine and withdrawl would be his thought
but needles are his problem, so the tracks won't go away
all he does is justify to make it all seem okay

all he really wants is to feel a real good high
and he's willing to take that chance when he knows that he can die

open your eyes and look at the light
it will show you what's wrong or right
but he will break apart his healing sticks
just so he can get another fix
he does not want his high to end
because he thinks that it is his only friend
all it really is, nothing more than lies
camouflaged truth in euphoric disguise

so he will continue his trip until he can realize
that he does not need it, or until he dies
because he will not quit for anyone else
when he won't even do it for himself...

*something i wrote a very long time ago, when i was held captive in that lonely place. it's been many years past, but it will never be long enough...

aloha.

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH

February 2007

DEC 06, 2008 03:44 AM

The addict did not choose to become addicted, but he/she is responsible for their recovery

That's kind of a weird statement.

If you didn't choose to repeatedly consume drugs to the point of intoxication who did?

You are just as responsible for your addiction as you are your recovery. Your actions of the past don't go away because you chose to stop using, they're still there, you still have to deal with them. You don't ever stop being an addict, the addiction is always there, you choose to stop feeding the addiction.

When i chose my path of sobriety, it didn't start with a clean slate. It came with a history, and responsibility for the my past actions, including being honest with myself and telling myself that no one forced me down that path, i chose it on my own.

AlexanderW

Woodinville, WA

June 2008

DEC 06, 2008 08:41 AM

In response to the last statement about responsibility for our addiction, I would have to respectfully disagree only in the sense that it's brain chemistry and disease model that have a lot to do with the craving that cannot stop us from using, drinking, etc. when we have reached that stage. But you're absolutely right about not having a clean slate. Despite some of the flaws of the 12-step models, they do ask us to look at our past misdeeds and share them with at least one other person, make amends where possible, and take a personal inventory every day to make sure we are working our ethical values of sobriety. And yes, we had to be honest with ourselves and not simply 'excuse' the addictive behavior as something beyond ourselves but one of the failings of society in the 19th and 20th centuries and to some degree is is that the bio-chemical drive for release and bliss in substances or behaviors is confused with moral turpitude. And of course it's most likely a spectrum of use and abuse, too. So it's likely you and I are both correct.
For anyone who's interested, I suggest you read the books of two Buddhist teachers on addiction and recovery: Kevin Griffin wrote "One Breath at a Time:Buddhism and the 12 Steps" and Noah Levine wrote "Against the Stream: A Manual for Spiritual Revolutionaries" as a followup to his first book Dharma Punx that's his story about addiction and recovery. Both are excellent.

FreakPirate

Canada

November 2002

DEC 06, 2008 12:59 PM

dkmfc said:
addicts become addicts because of a choice they made in consuming the addictive substance in the first place, often repetitively to the point where it became habit.
sure, having consumed addictive substances is something recovering addicts regret later, but calling addiction to alcohol, narcotics, tobacco, sex, whatever a disease is a cop out that tends to absolve one of some of the personal responsibility that should come along with looking back at ones actions while in the process of recovery.
it is not a disease.

This is something I've always had a huge problem with. Becoming an addict may not be your choice but taking addictive substances usually is.