I love Swiss cheese. It’s packed with glory-holes of deliciousness. I love mushrooms, too, even if they make me so gassy I could fart the entire chainsaw solo from “The Lumberjack” by Jackyl. While I'm at it, let’s not forget french-fried onions. They‘re greasy and tasty and totally count as a serving of vegetables as per the FDA food pyramid. So, how could I not love a sandwich with all of those things on it? Oh yes, that’s right; it’s from Burger King. That statement alone is sufficient to make even the most iron-gutted of us shake in fear like a Shar-Pei shitting tacks. But, maybe I shouldn’t judge. So what if the company mascot looks like he isn’t allowed to live less than two hundred feet from all schools or day care centers? Even the shittiest kid in gym class can park a homer or two on occasion.

Time for a Burger King Mushroom and Swiss Steakhouse Burger.

First Impressions

The cold, the dark, and the rain conspired to form an opaque fog on my car windows. The gentle breeze smells of cold and evil. That evil is Burger King, and I'm in the drive-thru lane to Hell. The small trollish woman at the window smiles a black-toothed grin as she approaches with the item in hand. A knowing grin. I momentarily feel like I may have just done a deal with Leland Gaunt. I rush home; if I did just sell my soul for this thing I shouldn't let it get cold. Microwaved soul-burger sounds unappealing.

The Reveal

Seven bucks this sucker cost me. How can these people sleep at night? On a big pile of money I suppose. I hope they inhale a quarter and die.




That's what you get for your hard-earned money

So that's Angus beef? Pardon me, whoever wrote that, I think your "g" key might be sticking. This terrible excuse for a patty was dry, overcooked, and had an overabundance of the color black. If this was indeed Angus beef, The King should be ashamed of himself. Maybe even more than people who have plastic spinner hubcaps or get hookers off Craigslist.

Ready to take a peek under the hood?

The Mastication

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

"Yeah, but secreted by what?!"

This thing made my kitchen smell like a church basement on potluck night. More specifically, it made it smell like the table with the three green bean casseroles that invariably show up. It's cheap fried onions and hot canned mushrooms all the way. This is the first time I've been tempted to back out. But it's too late, and the damn thing was seven bucks.



Wow, it tastes like it smells. The onion flavor is really too strong and strange, but at least it kills some of the tinny, briny mushroom taste. The last time I had ones that tasted this bad they cost me a hundred bucks, but made anime entertaining for the first time.

All in all, I'd say this thing checks in at the top of my list of life regrets. And, I'd say it's bad enough to top other people's, too. I imagine right now, probably in Washington state, there's a guy with a pile of hooker torsos in his closet who just ate one and had it top his list of regrets, too. So yeah, it's worse than murder. But at least no one will gas you to death for doing it. You'll probably take care of that yourself.




1/10 flushes



SnakePlissken wants a Hamdog.