The idea of ethnic food has always been confusing to me. Isn’t all food ethnic food? Or is no food ethnic food? My answer: shut up and eat.

One could argue, and by one I mean me, that all food is just that, food. One man’s fried chicken and collard greens are another man’s live baby squid in broth, both seemingly exotic and normal to the respective cultures at the same time. So what the hell? What is ethnic? I understand the definition of the word and I understand the cultural histories of food and why people eat what they eat, and where that food comes, from but I don’t understand why the dominant culture of a country gets to label all other foods different from their own as ethnic. I call bullshit. I’m pulling the racial card. Get Al Sharpton on the phone! Revolt!! Viva La Revolucion!!!

When you think of good’ol American down-home cookin’ what do you think of? Hamburgers, hot dogs, fried chicken, and apple pie probably come to mind, yes? Let’s take a closer look at these American (and by American I mean white) foods.

The hamburger comes from Hamburg, Germany where it was a form of pounded beef that eventually made its way to the states during the massive immigration from Europe in the late 1800’s. It took on the form that we all know and love as a piece of meat between two pieces of bread on our shores but without the original from Germany, no golden arches.

The hot dog, a.k.a. Frankfurter or Wiener, is far older than the hamburger, and it’s not from America. Squanto wasn’t eating a Dodger Dog ™ when he met the Pilgrims. The hot dog dates back hundreds of years to those never met an animal they wouldn’t eat Germans who named the sausage after their city of Frankfurt where they say it originated. The Austrians lay claim to the hot dog as well having named it after Wien, which is the German name for Vienna. You know what else the Austrians gave us? Hitler. They try to lay claim to everything.

Fried chicken. Yes, even southern fried chicken (which most Americans consider to be an ethnic food already) is from somewhere else. Whether it came from the West Africans that were brought here as slaves or the Scottish (who fry everything) that settled in the south, it wasn’t here before them.

And lastly the mother of all American dishes, apple pie is of course, not American at all. The English and Dutch have been baking these delicious fuckers for hundreds of years, and the French and Germans had their own versions as well (tarte tatin and strudel).

So my friends, what is ethnic food? Everything you knew as non-ethnic is ethnic. Here’s my closing argument. Feel free to use this in court.

Unless you live on the Pocahontas diet of buffalo, fish, maize, fruit etc, everything you eat is ethnic food. It’s OK, don’t worry, it’s safe. There’s nothing to fear. Differences are to be celebrated! You can come down from your ivory tower or out of your trailer and try something new. Get a little crazy and eat some Ethiopian food with your fingers, or really go nuts and have some sashimi. Indian food is really good too, and throw away your ‘I don’t know why I hate them I just do prejudice’ of the French and eat like the kings of old.

Shut up and eat.

Cheers,

Scott

P.S. Something else I have to include here, even though it’s a bit of a tangent, is a pet-peeve of mine regarding ethnic food. I hate it when I hear people say that they would never feed their babies ethnic cuisines. “I wouldn’t feed my baby Chinese/Japanese/Indian/Italian food, ewww.” What do Chinese babies eat, etc, etc…? I can only hope Chinese moms say they would never feed their babies a hamburger. Oh wait that’s German.

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Scott Ian is Suicide Girls’ monthly Food Coma columnist. Click HERE for more of his musing on sustenance and libations. He plays guitar for revolutionary metal band Anthrax and also for Pearl.