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Life Is Ugly So Why Not Kill Yourself*

MONDAY JULY 21 2008 6:00 AM

Submitted by Brad_Warner. Edited By Brad_Warner.

TAGS: zen, buddhism, buddha, hardcore, punk, suicide, death, kill yourself

Often in my writing for SuicideGirls I�ve talked about girls, but I haven�t talked a lot about suicide. Last week a friend of mine attempted it, unsuccessfully, thank you Jesus. Twenty-five years ago another friend managed to do it successfully and I�m still bummed about that. When I lived in Chicago my band used to play at a place called Batteries, which was booked by Jim Ellison of the band Material Issue. I was pretty torn up when I found out he�d killed himself in 1996. They played their song "Valerie Loves Me" at a club I went to this week, which got me thinking even harder about suicide and its consequences. I�ve known a couple people, including an uncle and a co-worker, who managed to commit slow suicide by drinking themselves to death. And I myself have come pretty close to doing the deed, too.

We used to get into these long philosophical debates around the kitchen table of the punk house near Akron City Hospital, where nearly everyone on the scene seemed to hang out 24/7. In one debate almost everyone in the room agreed that suicide was a perfectly viable option and that it was up to the individual alone to decide whether to do it or not. I�m not sure I was the only one who disagreed. But I was certainly in the minority. I imagine a lot of �alternative� type people feel somewhat the same way as my friends did; that suicide is an acceptable option.

Intellectually, it�s easy to come up with a convincing argument that suicide is nobody�s business but that of the person who kills herself or himself. But in practical, real world terms, this is never the case. Suicide is devastating to everyone whose life a person touches. No matter how much of a loner you are, there are people who care about you and it�s never easy to deal with someone you care about killing themselves. In the case of my friend Iggy who hung himself in 1983, he seems to have been deliberately trying to hurt his girlfriend who�d recently dumped him. But she dumped him because it was the only way she could think of to make him deal with his alcoholism and general destructiveness. I don�t blame her. I would�ve done the same thing. What he did was incredibly nasty and mean. And I don�t think it really solved his problems.

Most religions forbid suicide and imagine horrible punishments awaiting in the next world for those who take their own lives. If you dug through the Buddhist literature I�m sure you could find some variation on this. There must be a sutra or vinaya text somewhere saying what kind of future incarnation awaits those who commit suicide. But I don�t know about it since I�m a pretty lousy Buddhist scholar. This in itself says something, though. Because even if such a text does exist, it�s not greatly emphasized. There are a number of scholarly articles on the Internet about the matter. Here�s one. Here�s another. And here�s one more.

The Vietnamese Buddhists who set fire to themselves to protest the Viet Nam War are well known. For a while there that seemed like one of the most enduring images the general public in the West had of Buddhism. People on this side of the planet had already been taught by their early scholars that Buddhism was a Nihilistic religion filled with talk of suffering and emptiness. So it probably came as no great surprise to hear about Buddhists offing themselves. Buddhism isn�t nihilistic, though. And I don�t think those guys did anyone very much good by going up in flames.

In any case, I�m not terribly concerned with scholarly research or mass opinions. I scanned through those articles I linked to, but I really didn�t read them in depth. It�s interesting to know the history, but not really necessary. Buddhism, as far as I�m concerned, is more about our own experiences than about received wisdom from others. My own experience tells me that suicide is not really a viable option. It ultimately cannot possibly solve the problems it�s intended to solve and it causes a whole lot of unnecessary suffering and grief.

People kill themselves to put an end to their suffering. Ian Curtis did it to end his suffering over his marriage and finances. Pete Ham killed himself because he was suffering over the fate of Badfinger, the world�s greatest power pop band. Kurt Cobain killed himself to end his suffering from all those stomach aches. Of course these are all over-simplifications. But it�s clear that all of these people, as well as anyone else who has ever taken their own lives, did so because they saw it as a way out of suffering. It�s certainly not something you do just for the hell of it.

But the idea that committing suicide will end your suffering comes from the belief that you and the world in which you live are two different things. You believe that you can leave this world and thereby leave suffering behind. But my own sense after years of zazen practice is that this is not true. I�ve spent a long time watching the boundary line between what I call �me� and what I call the rest of the world blur and fade. I�m no longer certain at all where the dividing line is. I�m beginning to even suspect that that guy Buddha may have been right when he said it doesn�t exist at all. In fact I�ve had a few times when this apparently nonsensical notion has come up and bit me on the ass in ways I cannot possibly deny.

So what I�m saying here goes a little further than just the old �the show must go on� type thing, where people say you have a responsibility to your friends and family not to go off and shoot your brains out in the greenhouse. You also have a responsibility to yourself and even to the universe as a whole not to do that. Even if committing suicide solves the immediate problem by ending a poor relationship or making it so your stomach doesn�t hurt anymore, the suffering you thought was yours alone spreads out like a wave to those parts of the universe you�ve been taught to think of as separate from you. It�s impossible for me to believe that even the person who dies does not, in some way, continue to suffer just as greatly after suicide as before. I no longer believe it�s possible to leave this world. And that�s as far as I want to speculate about that. Anything I might say about the mechanism involved in how this happens would just be a load of stinky brain farts. Still, I have a very deep and unshakable feeling that this is true.

Anyway, please forgive the grimness of this little piece. What my friend did last week got me thinking hard about the matter. So SuicideGirls readers, don�t kill yourselves! Life is beautiful, so why not eat health foods instead?*

*This title of this article comes from a punk rock compilation album put out around 1979-80 by New Underground Records. The Descendents and Red Cross are featured. I�d love to find a copy of this or its sequel Life Is Beautiful So Why Not Eat Health Foods.

Brad Warner will be at the Young Buddhists Retreat in Montague, MA from August 28-31.

Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and Sit Down and Shut Up!. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff and a MySpace page too. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica.

You can buy the new CD by his band Zero Defex (0DFx) at CD Baby.

23 Comments

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Eroz

Liberty, MO

July 2008

JUL 21, 2008 07:18 AM

Your an awesome writer and I am glad you wrote about this. It''s a little weird that this was posted yesterday. For the past few days I have been feeling pretty suicidal, and last night was the worst of it. And the only reason I did not was because I was at my boyfriend Bradley's house and that would have devastated him. now im kind of realizing that no matter where or when i do it is still going to affect him and all the people around me anyways, and while I dont know what happens to people when they die, and I dont believe that a person that does commit suicide is punished for it, I dont know if I am ready to test that philosophy right now.

CheshireCat

Los Angeles, CA

January 2004

JUL 21, 2008 07:27 AM

The thought of not existing can strike one in some of the most uncommon places.about 2 weeks ago I was at "The Whisky" seeing a band,I was alittle drunk and a little stoned,instead of enjoyin my night the grim reality of death spiked through my brain.There is death and then there is DEATH....like trying to comprehend the omnipotence of space,ones mind cannot grasp this idea on non-existence much as one cannot grasp the thought of what you were before you had consciousness,which is basically non-existence. I have a dark admiration for those that can consciously take their lives,especially if they have no belief of anything afterward.My stepfather recently commited suicide by way of drinking themselves to death as well.I will never understand one s wish to end it all prematurely,I myslef am haunted by the what is eventual hoping I feel no pain in the process.

Havilah

Phoenix, AZ

April 2006

JUL 21, 2008 07:35 AM

Suicide is such a difficult topic and you wrote about it so well. My husband's roommate committed suicide last year before we got married, and it was so hard to see what the family went through and what my husband went through losing one of his best friends.

As someone who has a past with depression and suicide attempts, a lot of the same thoughts about leaving the world, who it would impact, what I might be missing often kept me from having a successful attempt.

Kohai

I'm lost

October 2006

JUL 21, 2008 08:15 AM

I read a lot of health history forms as a part of my job. The very last question on the standard form asks whether the person filling it out has ever considered killing themselves. A few people write, "No." Most people leave it blank, even after telling you about their urine, stool, menstrual cycle, number of miscarriages, etc. The fact that pretty much everyone, at one time or another, wants to be dead is something I think we would do better to acknowledge.

Nolan_Void

Salisbury, NC

July 2004

JUL 21, 2008 09:53 AM

It's amazing how your articles always seem to say exactly what I need to hear at exactly the right times in my life. Thank you.

Mocha

New Orleans, LA

April 2006

JUL 21, 2008 11:09 AM

a very good friend of mine tried to commit suicide about a month ago. and you summed up what i was trying to say to her in a much more logical way. i'll be sure and have her read this...

NoahMack

Iraq

May 2008

JUL 21, 2008 12:13 PM

I completely agree with you man. Great article. I don't really think it was too grim bro.

mydogfarted

Waldwick, NJ

June 2003

JUL 21, 2008 12:24 PM

This is such a difficult topic for me. I am bi-polar and was mis-diagnosed for many years. I hadn't had a suicide attempt in 20 years before last year and that got me a trip to a psychiatric hospital for a while.

I live a decent life. I make very good money, lived in a beautiful house before my divorce, and to the outside world, I had nothing to be depressed about. I was in a ward with detoxing junkies, alcoholics and others who had lost everything because of their dependencies that couldn't understand why I did what I did. Sometimes, the extended stress of daily life can trigger the worst parts of some mental illnesses and after repeated battles with it, you feel the only way to make it stop is to end it all.

Life IS beautiful, but be wary of who you try an help with that. We may just punch you in the throat for not understanding.

DannyDMc

Fargo, ND

July 2003

JUL 21, 2008 12:30 PM

I like the comment about how, following a suicide, the suffering spreads out. I had an uncle who killed himself back when I was just a young kid; the man's girlfriend broke up with him, and he was apparently either trying to do it to show how much she hurt him, or it was a cry for help (I suspect it was a bit of both, having heard the story from a few different people how). Either way, I never met the guy, but I can still feel the ramifications in my own life; mainly through my Father, who lost one of his best friends that day (and, for that matter, the only brother of his that he actually got along with) and even in myself. Something tells me that I would have gotten along just fine with said Uncle, and I wonder how I would have turned out if he'd been around more.
Honestly, a suicide can be felt decades after it actually happens, and by people who might never have even known the person in question. This was the point I used to try to drive home to my students when discussing the topic; I was teaching in a native village with a very high rate of depression and suicide attempts. *shudders*

Katieesq

San Diego, CA

June 2008

JUL 21, 2008 01:01 PM

"the suffering you thought was yours alone spreads out like a wave to those parts of the universe you've been taught to think of as separate from you."

Very well put. I like how accountability to not just those we love, but everyone, is a major tenet of your essay. I think we have a duty to put as much goodness into this world as we can, even when we are steeped in suffering.

I also appreciate the logical compassion in your piece. Many people demonize suicide attempts and successes as being selfish, and though it's not a totally inaccurate description, it's a negative label that doesn't help anyone heal. As Kohai wrote, just about everyone has thought at one point in time that they would be better off dead than alive; no one relishes the feeling. Your article lacks the typical vitriol, and instead contained a call to action I think many can get behind.

Quella

New York, NY

July 2008

JUL 21, 2008 01:08 PM

Even if committing suicide solves the immediate problem by ending a poor relationship or making it so your stomach doesn't hurt anymore, the suffering you thought was yours alone spreads out like a wave to those parts of the universe you've been taught to think of as separate from you.

Exactly. The grief felt by all of the others literally resonates throughout space and time.

MrGinger

Portland, OR

November 2003

JUL 21, 2008 02:22 PM

I've always thought, "At least use a grenade". That old hat don't fit no more. Such a graduated experience should be blessed with true intention. Of course, I love samurai shit, so, you know.

abbicon

Antarctica

September 2007

JUL 21, 2008 06:55 PM

i find it funny, that the people surrounding a suicide, are okay calling it selfish, when that statement itself is truly selfish. like, you would rather have them continue living with an unbearable suffering where the only viable option, for them at least, is ending it all(i say you, like, as in, all of you that would say that, directed at no one in particular).

that being said, i agree, that there's no leaving. energy never "dies", it just changes shape. all that the universe is made up of, is an infinite number of sub-molecular particles of light, bouncing off of each other fast enough to freeze and form shapes, in essence.

that being said, committing suicide is probably about the cosmic equivalent of a "do-over", for lack of a better term.
all of conscious life is suffering, as a practitioner of zazen, you should probably know that by now. that, even enlightenment, is a form of torture, and that advanced stages, even now, have severe social consequences.

show a little love to the (self)departed, they couldn't do it anymore, maybe try some understanding, and just hope that, maybe they can get it right, the next time around.

(my "friends lost to suicide" count, is in the double digits. just in case anyone thinks i'm talking out of my ass.)

BrightRedScream

Stoney Creek, ON

April 2005

JUL 21, 2008 07:08 PM

abbicon said:
i find it funny, that the people surrounding a suicide, are okay calling it selfish, when that statement itself is truly selfish. like, you would rather have them continue living with an unbearable suffering where the only viable option, for them at least, is ending it all(i say you, like, as in, all of you that would say that, directed at no one in particular).

that being said, i agree, that there's no leaving. energy never "dies", it just changes shape. all that the universe is made up of, is an infinite number of sub-molecular particles of light, bouncing off of each other fast enough to freeze and form shapes, in essence.

that being said, committing suicide is probably about the cosmic equivalent of a "do-over", for lack of a better term.
all of conscious life is suffering, as a practitioner of zazen, you should probably know that by now. that, even enlightenment, is a form of torture, and that advanced stages, even now, have severe social consequences.

show a little love to the (self)departed, they couldn't do it anymore, maybe try some understanding, and just hope that, maybe they can get it right, the next time around.

(my "friends lost to suicide" count, is in the double digits. just in case anyone thinks i'm talking out of my ass.)

Thank you.
I've lost more than a few people to suicide, and while it hurts, and that pain is ALWAYS there as a reminder....
I don't know if I could sit back and call them selfish for what they did....
I would feel more selfish prolonging someone's pain, and I believe that the people I know who took that way out had weighed all their options and tried their damn hardest to fix themselves and truly felt hopeless and at at dead end.

I mourn them, and in turn I respect them so all I can do is hope that in the grand scheme of things they really made the right choice for themselves. That's all I can ask.

If they've found peace, I'm at peace with their being gone.