You know how sometimes, when someone is discussing their long-term relationship or the fact that they've lived to a ripe old age, they'll say something like, "BLANK never ceases to surprise me... every time I think I've got it all figured out, I look up and BLANK has etc. etc."?

I think I'm that way, too, only switch "long-term relationships" with "world full of idiots." Every time I think I've seen it all, that all the idiotic exploits have been accounted for (and I've been doing this column for awhile now), along comes something to once again stun me into submission. FearTheReaper briefly addressed it in his Asshole Fuckface Roundup, but this story seemed just moronic enough to justify a two-pronged attack. (Uh, I tried to come up with an example of two prongs being more effective, the closest I could come up with was a fork, with three tines. It might still work.)

God damn... that is truly something to behold, isn't it? It almost doesn't seem real. If you cast this dolt as the villain in a movie and he marched onscreen yelling about how Starbucks is slipping porn into their coffee, I'd find it too ridiculous to even consider... and yet it's actually happening. An adult man, a non-head traumatized man, came to this decision... and decided it'd be a good idea to share it with the world.

"...legs spread like a prostitute." Yes, like a gill-breathing, scale-covered underwater prostitute. Who you'd pay with seashells and pirate treasure.

And really, "legs spread" equals "prostitute"? That's the first thing you go to? He goes on:

Okay, now you're really killing me. Please don't attempt to be funny on the heels of ridiculous outrage and indignation. It's not something you could pull off even under the best of circumstances so, really, not now.

Slutbucks? That may actually be more embarrassing than your initial complaint.

Please, tell me they have to register before moving into a new neighborhood.

Idiot: "Sir, look at your coffee cup! Please boycott with us."

Guy: "Huh?"

Idiot: "Look! It's a slutty woman with her legs spread!"

Guy: "No, it's just a mermaid with no nipples or anything even remotely tantalizing to speak of."

Idiot: "Beware, everyone! This man has a craven image on his shirt! A tiny penguin! With a cock-sucking beak and come hither eyes! And he runs off into his truck, adorned with a pagan ram on the hood! A ram who is probably a pimp on the side!! Beware!!"

And it caused anarchy!! You guys remember that, right? Entire oceans afire, continents plunged into chaos, plagues of demons ravaging the globe... Boy am I glad they swapped that cup out, it was touch and go there for awhile.

Well okay... whore-lover!

Yes, the mermaid, the most promiscuous off all God's sea creatures. Worse even than that good-time Charlie himself, the manatee. What the hell were they thinking?

According to Mark Dice's Wikipedia page, some of his equally appalling positions are insisting 50 Cent remove the cross he wears, and claiming that Tom Cruise worships Satan. (Um, what? Is the thing he already admits to being, Scientologist, way worse than a satanist? I mean, even the satanists passed on Giovani Ribisi.)

It gets worse. Everything I've written up to this point would seem to conjure the image of an out of touch, old man furious at the world. But, lo and behold, he's actually an out of touch middle-aged, man furious at the world... and he's super unfunny. There's something so much creepier about that. He looks like some Maxim-loving, date-rapey frat guy, with a handful of restraining orders on him.

Please note his attempted "gonzo, freewheeling anarchist style" which falls utterly flat. Notice that at no point does he come close to either humor or making a coherent point. It's as if Steve Carell's character from "The Office" decide to try to save the world... after he was hit in the head with a ballpeen hammer.



Wow. Danny Bonaduce actually makes an appearance and shockingly comes off as the more sane person.

Mark Dice please leave society forever.




TheCoolerKing has discovered there's no dignity-salvaging way to ask for a splenda.