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Sweet Jesus, Make Them Stop!

FRIDAY MAY 9 2008 10:00 PM

Submitted by thefreak. Edited By crispy.

TAGS: Duggar Family, children, pregnancy, WTF, clown car, odd news

While many sons and daughters will be spending May 11th showering their maternal figures with flowers, cards, handmade macaroni pictures and the like as thanks for being torn asunder from quivering loins (more commonly known as "the miracle of birth"), we are inching ever so closer to Armageddon, and we have no one but the Duggar family to thank.

That's right, a new chapter is being added to the continuing adventures of Jim Bob Duggar and his semen trough cracker factory, uh, wife.

It's a happy Mother's Day for an Arkansas woman � she's pregnant with her 18th child. Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year's Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers. There are two sets of twins.

Yes, you read that correctly. Eighteenth child.

For those of you playing at home, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are conservative Baptists from Arkansas. He's a real estate agent and a wannabe Republican senator (he ran in 2002 and 2006, losing both times). She's a walking fetus rotisserie. They have 17 children, who range in age from 20 (Joshua) to 9 months (Jennifer). The rest are as follows:

Jana, 18; John-David, 18; Jill, 16; Jessa, 15; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 10; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9; Jason, 7; James, 6; Justin, 5; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, 2.

$20 in the SG Pool says Jedidiah is the first to go gay Democrat pothead atheist. How else do you get through life with a name like "Jedidiah?"

Duggar has been been pregnant for more than 11 years of her life, and the family is in the process of filming another series for Discovery Health.

135 months to be exact. That's over 4,000 days (I am not figuring out Leap Years) of little Jesus spawn Children of the Corn, uh, healthy, happy, children, always happy, always smiling, Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Danny...*shudder* Alright, dammit. Enough is enough, I say!

When a stiff wind can blow past your va-jay-jay and make a sound resembling thunderous applause, you have a problem.

When your doctor walks out with your new baby, you have a problem.

When an Internet meme mocking the sorry state of your genitals comes into existence to the laughter of millions, you have a problem.

And yes, they have a TV show. The TV gods could've freed up some airtime for marathons of Manimal or Circus of the Stars, but oh no...

The new show looks at life inside the Duggar home, where chores � or "jurisdictions" � are assigned to each child. One episode of the new show involves a "jurisdiction swap," where the boys do chores traditionally assigned to the girls, and vice versa, Duggar said.

"Jurisdictions?" Good gravy. What's wrong with a chore wheel?

"The girls swapped jurisdictions, changing tires, working in the garages, mowing the grass," she said. "The boys got to cook supper from start to finish, clean the bathrooms," among other chores.

Reversal of outdated, stereotypical gender roles? Oh, those wacky Duggars! What crazy scheme will they think up next? Anal, perhaps?

The Duggers claim they'll keep riding bareback "as long as God wills it."

"The success in a family is first off, a love for God, and secondly, treating each other like you want to be treated," Jim Bob Duggar said. "Our goal is for each one of our children to be best friends, and everybody working together to serve each other makes that happen."

If those two close in on Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman's mark in my lifetime, so help me, I'm sharpening my zombie machete.

thefreak, in all seriousness, wishes all you moms out there in SG Land a Happy Mother's Day. And he's shopping for cheap vasectomies in Mexico.

90 Comments

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DhD_No_Pants

Katy, TX

May 2006

MAY 12, 2008 07:32 AM

Just throwing my .02 in here: While my body cringes at the thought of bearing 18 children, and I wonder how much personal time each kid gets, the way I see it is that they are at least providing for their own family. There are people out there with only 1 or 2 children that don't do the same. Not knowing the family personally, I can only go by appearances, but the children seem wanted and loved. And that is more important to me than anything. I'd rather see a show with them in it than 1 minute of Maury.

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 12, 2008 07:56 AM

DhD_No_Pants said:
Just throwing my .02 in here: While my body cringes at the thought of bearing 18 children, and I wonder how much personal time each kid gets, the way I see it is that they are at least providing for their own family. There are people out there with only 1 or 2 children that don't do the same. Not knowing the family personally, I can only go by appearances, but the children seem wanted and loved. And that is more important to me than anything. I'd rather see a show with them in it than 1 minute of Maury.

That's not saying much. I'd rather watch kittens being tortured than 1 minute of Maury.

lucidtrips

I'm lost

March 2007

MAY 12, 2008 11:58 AM

I would have to say this is unusual but if he is not raising them in an armed encampment and training them to be little jesus warriors I dont think it is that big of deal.

As for Sydni's comment, the earth is overpopulated I agree but I would say that the majority of 1-2 child families in the western world use far more resources then large families in third world countries and until we see what kind of lifestyle these folks lead I would not agree they are selfish. I know some small town families who recycle and eat modestly with their larger then average families and waste far less then many urban dwellers.

Sydni

SUICIDEGIRL

USA

MAY 12, 2008 02:19 PM

ROD OF GOD.

Just saying it again. Use it in a sentence today.

hk85

Guerneville, CA

October 2007

MAY 12, 2008 02:45 PM

That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas...

MisterLinguist

Birmingham, AL

October 2005

MAY 12, 2008 03:13 PM

hookipa said:
That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas...

I love Monty Python.

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

MAY 12, 2008 09:28 PM

Cassiel said:
And why th'fuck do all the kids' names begin w/'J'?

Hint:

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

MAY 12, 2008 09:29 PM

Oh, I guarantee you that at this point the older kids are raising the younger kids.

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 12, 2008 09:31 PM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Cassiel said:
And why th'fuck do all the kids' names begin w/'J'?

Hint:

Inriraptor?

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

MAY 12, 2008 09:45 PM

Bill_the_Cat said:

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

Cassiel said:
And why th'fuck do all the kids' names begin w/'J'?

Hint:

Inriraptor?

Jah bless the little carnivores.

Nate_Trip

Gainesville, FL

March 2008

MAY 13, 2008 07:08 PM

Hilarious. Please continue writing.

flabajaba2213

Bristol, RI

July 2006

MAY 13, 2008 11:05 PM

Sydni said:
You know they have to fuck their kids' names up sometimes. My grandma had 11 and she did it.

Christ, my vagina aches just reading that.

Maybe they just slide out now. 5 minute birth on the kitchen floor as she takes muffins out of the oven. Woops!

After reading this comment, I officially think you are the best thing since sliced bread.

BlueRabbit

HOPEFUL

USA

MAY 17, 2008 01:17 AM

Honestly, I didn't read this whole thread, and if someone has already said this, I apologize.

Apparently, the Duggar kids schedule "quality time" with mom. They SCHEDULE IT. I remember being a teenager and a couple of times, I had to suck it up and discuss an issue with my mom. It took a lot of courage to say "hey mom, I might need a pregnancy test." and if I had to put something like that on a fucking calendar? Fuck, forget it. That's just the big issues. "Hey mom, kids are picking on me." "Sorry hun, we can talk about it at 01:00." There is such a thing as too many kids.