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Sweet Jesus, Make Them Stop!

FRIDAY MAY 9 2008 10:00 PM

Submitted by thefreak. Edited By crispy.

TAGS: Duggar Family, children, pregnancy, WTF, clown car, odd news

While many sons and daughters will be spending May 11th showering their maternal figures with flowers, cards, handmade macaroni pictures and the like as thanks for being torn asunder from quivering loins (more commonly known as "the miracle of birth"), we are inching ever so closer to Armageddon, and we have no one but the Duggar family to thank.

That's right, a new chapter is being added to the continuing adventures of Jim Bob Duggar and his semen trough cracker factory, uh, wife.

It's a happy Mother's Day for an Arkansas woman � she's pregnant with her 18th child. Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year's Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers. There are two sets of twins.

Yes, you read that correctly. Eighteenth child.

For those of you playing at home, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are conservative Baptists from Arkansas. He's a real estate agent and a wannabe Republican senator (he ran in 2002 and 2006, losing both times). She's a walking fetus rotisserie. They have 17 children, who range in age from 20 (Joshua) to 9 months (Jennifer). The rest are as follows:

Jana, 18; John-David, 18; Jill, 16; Jessa, 15; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 10; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9; Jason, 7; James, 6; Justin, 5; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, 2.

$20 in the SG Pool says Jedidiah is the first to go gay Democrat pothead atheist. How else do you get through life with a name like "Jedidiah?"

Duggar has been been pregnant for more than 11 years of her life, and the family is in the process of filming another series for Discovery Health.

135 months to be exact. That's over 4,000 days (I am not figuring out Leap Years) of little Jesus spawn Children of the Corn, uh, healthy, happy, children, always happy, always smiling, Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Danny...*shudder* Alright, dammit. Enough is enough, I say!

When a stiff wind can blow past your va-jay-jay and make a sound resembling thunderous applause, you have a problem.

When your doctor walks out with your new baby, you have a problem.

When an Internet meme mocking the sorry state of your genitals comes into existence to the laughter of millions, you have a problem.

And yes, they have a TV show. The TV gods could've freed up some airtime for marathons of Manimal or Circus of the Stars, but oh no...

The new show looks at life inside the Duggar home, where chores � or "jurisdictions" � are assigned to each child. One episode of the new show involves a "jurisdiction swap," where the boys do chores traditionally assigned to the girls, and vice versa, Duggar said.

"Jurisdictions?" Good gravy. What's wrong with a chore wheel?

"The girls swapped jurisdictions, changing tires, working in the garages, mowing the grass," she said. "The boys got to cook supper from start to finish, clean the bathrooms," among other chores.

Reversal of outdated, stereotypical gender roles? Oh, those wacky Duggars! What crazy scheme will they think up next? Anal, perhaps?

The Duggers claim they'll keep riding bareback "as long as God wills it."

"The success in a family is first off, a love for God, and secondly, treating each other like you want to be treated," Jim Bob Duggar said. "Our goal is for each one of our children to be best friends, and everybody working together to serve each other makes that happen."

If those two close in on Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman's mark in my lifetime, so help me, I'm sharpening my zombie machete.

thefreak, in all seriousness, wishes all you moms out there in SG Land a Happy Mother's Day. And he's shopping for cheap vasectomies in Mexico.

90 Comments

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zac

Totowa, NJ

January 2004

MAY 10, 2008 10:43 PM

i'm not gonna go back and read all the comments, so someone else may have already said this, but it IS vital:

it's a vagina, not a clown car. give it a rest.

zac

Totowa, NJ

January 2004

MAY 10, 2008 10:46 PM

the real tragedy is that the woman can no longer safely sit on a stool.

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 10, 2008 10:48 PM

zac said:
the real tragedy is that the woman can no longer safely sit on a stool.

:approves friendship request:

ArsenicStar

HOPEFUL

USA

MAY 10, 2008 11:00 PM

Her vagina must look like hamburger meat..

Ground round.

EDIT: I'm probably going to hell for saying that.

zac

Totowa, NJ

January 2004

MAY 10, 2008 11:31 PM

ArsenicStar said:
Her vagina must look like hamburger meat..

Ground round.

EDIT: I'm probably going to hell for saying that.

made me think of wednesday's Penny Arcade: "I had one picture of a vagina, from 1962. It lasted my entire adolescence. It was so crumpled and worn that by the time my mom found it, she thought it was an Arby's ad."

ArsenicStar

HOPEFUL

USA

MAY 10, 2008 11:43 PM

wow... that's disturbing.

Ferretbite

Mexico

September 2006

MAY 11, 2008 12:31 AM

Munke

Chula Vista, CA

May 2004

MAY 11, 2008 02:02 AM

That meme is outdated by like three or four kids.

MisterLinguist

Birmingham, AL

October 2005

MAY 11, 2008 03:28 AM

thefreak said:

Thistle said:
I think it's a funny story too. I just think talking about the state of her vagina as though it was any of your business is uncalled for and mildly misogynistic. Surely there are other angles.

I bet if I made several jokes about his junk, you wouldn't say a thing.

-TM

I would call it misandrist and lame.

MisterLinguist

Birmingham, AL

October 2005

MAY 11, 2008 03:32 AM

Bill_the_Cat said:

Thistle said:

thefreak said:

I bet if I made several jokes about his junk, you wouldn't say a thing.

-TM

I would certainly find it just as crass, but given that it wouldn't be part of a whole gigantic cultural meme of judging women mostly on their looks and ability to have sex, I would probably not call it misogynistic. What a stupid bet that would be anyway.

Would you call it misandry?
Nobody is judging her for her appearance or ability to have sex. She's being judged for her ability to bear children and her desire to to exploit that ability to a ridiculous degree. I agree though that judgement should fall equally on him, after all intelligent child-bearing is not just the responsibility of the mother. Personally I decided when I was 12 years old that it should be my responsibility to be voluntarily sterilized after fathering 2 children. If every man accepted that responsibility the world population would not only stabilize, it would even start to slowly decrease.

How exactly is it a ridiculous degree? It is a lot of kids, and compared to the average 2.6 children that the US alone has as its figure, it is an extreme example. However, it is certainly not ridiculous. A lot of families throughout history have a lot of kids. I can look at my African-American neighbors, who are more fertile than the Indus Valley, and they have 15 kids.
Also, don't forget the massive amounts of progeny had by people in antiquity.

It's great that you want to be sterilized. Maybe you should pursue that, but don't impose your feelings of personal limit on anyone else. Pushing your less-kids agenda worldview on anyone is what is truly crass, sir.

MisterLinguist

Birmingham, AL

October 2005

MAY 11, 2008 03:37 AM

zac said:
i'm not gonna go back and read all the comments, so someone else may have already said this, but it IS vital:

it's a vagina, not a clown car. give it a rest.

zac said:
the real tragedy is that the woman can no longer safely sit on a stool.

1) I'm so glad you know what it's like to have a vagina, enough even to make a clear judgement as to how she should use her own.

2) And really, man. Please STFU.

ElizaTheTroll

Australia

January 2006

MAY 11, 2008 05:36 AM

Thistle said:

thefreak said:

I bet if I made several jokes about his junk, you wouldn't say a thing.

-TM

word

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 11, 2008 06:07 AM

Narghile said:

Bill_the_Cat said:

Thistle said:

thefreak said:

I bet if I made several jokes about his junk, you wouldn't say a thing.

-TM

I'm not pushing anything, just acknowledging my personal sense of responsibility. And besides, how is it crass for me to hope that people might start exercising their personal rights and freedoms responsibly rather selfishly or thoughtlessly?
My father had 9 kids in his family, I've known some families with more. Just because some people choose to have large families doesn't make it right. Global population is expected to pass 9 billion in 40 years while at the same time there already isn't enough food for 854 million of the over 6.8 billion people already on the planet, a number that increases by 4 million a year- The same amount of time as it takes 20,000 square mile of once arable land to become desert. You want to talk about crass? How about adding 18 more people to a world that already can't support the needs of the ones it's got? Do you want to be the one to tell 30 children in India that they're going to starve to death this year is because some nice fellow in America is afraid that if he uses a condom he'll go to hell when he dies? So how is it ridiculous? It's ridiculous because it's thoughtless and irresponsible.

MisterLinguist

Birmingham, AL

October 2005

MAY 11, 2008 06:27 AM

Bill_the_Cat said:
I'm not pushing anything, just acknowledging my personal sense of responsibility. And besides, how is it crass for me to hope that people might start exercising their personal rights and freedoms responsibly rather selfishly or thoughtlessly?

Your personal sense of responsibility is good for you, but please keep it contained to your own actions.

Bill_the_Cat said:
My father had 9 kids in his family, I've known some families with more. Just because some people choose to have large families doesn't make it right.

And who are you to decide what is necessarily "right" or "wrong." zOMG the world isn't black and white. It's a question of the Duggar family perspective. As Wren mentioned above, they seem to be doing just fine in their exclusive family.

Bill_the_Cat said:
Global population is expected to pass 9 billion in 40 years while at the same time there already isn't enough food for 854 million of the over 6.8 billion people already on the planet, a number that increases by 4 million a year- ...

Um....ok. I'm sure - quite sure indeed - that the Duggar family has no intention of denying "starving kids in Africa"[1] their daily nutrition.

Bill_the_Cat said:
The same amount of time as it takes 20,000 square mile of once arable land to become desert. You want to talk about crass? How about adding 18 more people to a world that already can't support the needs of the ones it's got?

This couple lives in America, and does rather well in keeping their children clothed, educated, fed, and happy. Once again, this is all in perspective. Mr. and Mrs. Duggar aren't bringing these children into poverty, nor are they doing a poor job of being providers. Why heck, even their eldest son is pitching in to help the clan.

Bill_the_Cat said:
Do you want to be the one to tell 30 children in India that they're going to starve to death this year is because some nice fellow in America is afraid that if he uses a condom he'll go to hell when he dies?

Correlation does not imply causation, here. I'm sure that if I step on a butterfly in the USA, 90 kids in Nepal won't spontaneously combust, either.

Bill_the_Cat said:
So how is it ridiculous? It's ridiculous because it's thoughtless and irresponsible.

And, scene. To reiterate, The Duggar family isn't thoughtless. They adhere to the Quiverfull philosophy. The Duggar family isn't irresponsible. They divy up the chores, budget their money, and from pictures I have found, keep their children fed well, not indulged in sweets.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAY 11, 2008 06:39 AM

Thistle said:

thefreak said:
I bet if I made several jokes about his junk, you wouldn't say a thing.

Aaaaaand the truth comes out.

Please do not sit there calling me a misogynist because I made vagina jokes, for it's an equally stupid bet to assume that I am. Good day.

-TM

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