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Sweet Jesus, Make Them Stop!

FRIDAY MAY 9 2008 10:00 PM

Submitted by thefreak. Edited By crispy.

TAGS: Duggar Family, children, pregnancy, WTF, clown car, odd news

While many sons and daughters will be spending May 11th showering their maternal figures with flowers, cards, handmade macaroni pictures and the like as thanks for being torn asunder from quivering loins (more commonly known as "the miracle of birth"), we are inching ever so closer to Armageddon, and we have no one but the Duggar family to thank.

That's right, a new chapter is being added to the continuing adventures of Jim Bob Duggar and his semen trough cracker factory, uh, wife.

It's a happy Mother's Day for an Arkansas woman � she's pregnant with her 18th child. Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year's Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers. There are two sets of twins.

Yes, you read that correctly. Eighteenth child.

For those of you playing at home, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are conservative Baptists from Arkansas. He's a real estate agent and a wannabe Republican senator (he ran in 2002 and 2006, losing both times). She's a walking fetus rotisserie. They have 17 children, who range in age from 20 (Joshua) to 9 months (Jennifer). The rest are as follows:

Jana, 18; John-David, 18; Jill, 16; Jessa, 15; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 10; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9; Jason, 7; James, 6; Justin, 5; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, 2.

$20 in the SG Pool says Jedidiah is the first to go gay Democrat pothead atheist. How else do you get through life with a name like "Jedidiah?"

Duggar has been been pregnant for more than 11 years of her life, and the family is in the process of filming another series for Discovery Health.

135 months to be exact. That's over 4,000 days (I am not figuring out Leap Years) of little Jesus spawn Children of the Corn, uh, healthy, happy, children, always happy, always smiling, Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Danny...*shudder* Alright, dammit. Enough is enough, I say!

When a stiff wind can blow past your va-jay-jay and make a sound resembling thunderous applause, you have a problem.

When your doctor walks out with your new baby, you have a problem.

When an Internet meme mocking the sorry state of your genitals comes into existence to the laughter of millions, you have a problem.

And yes, they have a TV show. The TV gods could've freed up some airtime for marathons of Manimal or Circus of the Stars, but oh no...

The new show looks at life inside the Duggar home, where chores � or "jurisdictions" � are assigned to each child. One episode of the new show involves a "jurisdiction swap," where the boys do chores traditionally assigned to the girls, and vice versa, Duggar said.

"Jurisdictions?" Good gravy. What's wrong with a chore wheel?

"The girls swapped jurisdictions, changing tires, working in the garages, mowing the grass," she said. "The boys got to cook supper from start to finish, clean the bathrooms," among other chores.

Reversal of outdated, stereotypical gender roles? Oh, those wacky Duggars! What crazy scheme will they think up next? Anal, perhaps?

The Duggers claim they'll keep riding bareback "as long as God wills it."

"The success in a family is first off, a love for God, and secondly, treating each other like you want to be treated," Jim Bob Duggar said. "Our goal is for each one of our children to be best friends, and everybody working together to serve each other makes that happen."

If those two close in on Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman's mark in my lifetime, so help me, I'm sharpening my zombie machete.

thefreak, in all seriousness, wishes all you moms out there in SG Land a Happy Mother's Day. And he's shopping for cheap vasectomies in Mexico.

90 Comments

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Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 10, 2008 10:42 AM

Thistle said:
Oh... it was supposed to be funny.

Of course. It's life. If you're not laughing at it you're taking it far too seriously.

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 10, 2008 10:46 AM

Thistle said:

thefreak said:

Thistle said:
Much as I disagree with the Duggar's choices and would not in a million years wish to bear 18 children, I find discussion of the state of their reproductive organs unbearably crass.

And you are entitled to your opinion. However, those of us who find the story equally hilarious and frightening are as well. So, personally, I'm going to joke about it all I want because I think she's a crazy woman, and is adoption that far-fetched a notion for them? Among other things, of course.

-TM

I think it's a funny story too. I just think talking about the state of her vagina as though it was any of your business is uncalled for and mildly misogynistic. Surely there are other angles.

Like the state of his penis?

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 10, 2008 10:48 AM

also...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Sydni

SUICIDEGIRL

USA

MAY 10, 2008 11:45 AM

Bill_the_Cat said:

Thistle said:

thefreak said:

Thistle said:
Much as I disagree with the Duggar's choices and would not in a million years wish to bear 18 children, I find discussion of the state of their reproductive organs unbearably crass.

I think it's a funny story too. I just think talking about the state of her vagina as though it was any of your business is uncalled for and mildly misogynistic. Surely there are other angles.

Like the state of his penis?

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

He needs a shirt that says ROD OF GOD.

*that's all I got.

malkav11

Saint Paul, MN

July 2003

MAY 10, 2008 02:31 PM

I was weirded out by these people *before* I knew that someone thought it was a good idea to give them a TV show. WTF?

strndniowa

Grimes, IA

May 2007

MAY 10, 2008 04:36 PM

Thistle said:

DevilsReject said:
just some quick math, 10 centimeters (2.54 centimeters = 1 inch), while the female genitalia is quite amazing when it comes to elasticity, i would assume it does have it's limits. In so much that i would imagine a common question for Michelle is "are you in?"

The cervix has to get to 10 centimetres, not the vagina, and if it did not shrink back to its previous size, Ms Duggar would undergo spontaneous abortion during subsequent pregnancies.

Much as I disagree with the Duggar's choices and would not in a million years wish to bear 18 children, I find discussion of the state of their reproductive organs unbearably crass.

I thought it was unbearably hilarious...I sprayed beer out of my nose onto my keyboard laughing (now THAT is crass...)

AceT

Portland, OR

April 2004

MAY 10, 2008 04:49 PM

I think they have the right idea. Think of it, 17 (soon 18) child laborers working in their home, and all they have to do is clothe, feed, and house them. It's slavetastic!

SockPuppet

I'm lost

July 2006

MAY 10, 2008 05:45 PM

Bill_the_Cat said:
Of course it's possible he believes God's will is that the apocalypse be hastened so that He can wipe out the gays, atheists and Darwinists*.

*OT, but has anyone else ever considered that the greatest argument against evolution may be that there are still people who don't believe in it?

Nope. The strength of intelligence is exactly that it bypasses Darwinian evolution.

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 10, 2008 05:51 PM

SockPuppet said:

Nope. The strength of intelligence is exactly that it bypasses Darwinian evolution.

What about the strength of stupidity?

SockPuppet

I'm lost

July 2006

MAY 10, 2008 06:40 PM

Bill_the_Cat said:

SockPuppet said:

Nope. The strength of intelligence is exactly that it bypasses Darwinian evolution.

What about the strength of stupidity?

This is one of those "humour" things, isn't it? They annoy me. Mostly because they tend to be about excluding outsiders.

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 10, 2008 07:16 PM

SockPuppet said:

Bill_the_Cat said:

SockPuppet said:

Nope. The strength of intelligence is exactly that it bypasses Darwinian evolution.

What about the strength of stupidity?

This is one of those "humour" things, isn't it? They annoy me. Mostly because they tend to be about excluding outsiders.

Actually that's a legitimate question. The strength of stupidity (or, I suppose, more accurately ignorance) is that it lets the possessor deny all evidence of a universally proven and accepted theorem based solely on the unprovable belief in an invisible being who wants them to strain the worlds resources by turning their wives into baby-extruding machines. In this case the exclusion is created by the brunt of the joke through their willful ignorance. It might not be nice to mock people for their beliefs, but they certainly seem to go out of their way to invite it.

SockPuppet

I'm lost

July 2006

MAY 10, 2008 07:23 PM

Bill_the_Cat said:

SockPuppet said:

Bill_the_Cat said:

SockPuppet said:

Nope. The strength of intelligence is exactly that it bypasses Darwinian evolution.

What about the strength of stupidity?

This is one of those "humour" things, isn't it? They annoy me. Mostly because they tend to be about excluding outsiders.

Indeed. Thanks for clarifying

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAY 10, 2008 07:58 PM

Thistle said:
I think it's a funny story too. I just think talking about the state of her vagina as though it was any of your business is uncalled for and mildly misogynistic. Surely there are other angles.

I bet if I made several jokes about his junk, you wouldn't say a thing.

-TM

Thistle

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

MAY 10, 2008 08:42 PM

thefreak said:

I bet if I made several jokes about his junk, you wouldn't say a thing.

-TM

I would certainly find it just as crass, but given that it wouldn't be part of a whole gigantic cultural meme of judging women mostly on their looks and ability to have sex, I would probably not call it misogynistic. What a stupid bet that would be anyway.

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 10, 2008 10:00 PM

Thistle said:

thefreak said:

I bet if I made several jokes about his junk, you wouldn't say a thing.

-TM

Would you call it misandry?
Nobody is judging her for her appearance or ability to have sex. She's being judged for her ability to bear children and her desire to to exploit that ability to a ridiculous degree. I agree though that judgement should fall equally on him, after all intelligent child-bearing is not just the responsibility of the mother. Personally I decided when I was 12 years old that it should be my responsibility to be voluntarily sterilized after fathering 2 children. If every man accepted that responsibility the world population would not only stabilize, it would even start to slowly decrease.

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