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Sweet Jesus, Make Them Stop!

FRIDAY MAY 9 2008 10:00 PM

Submitted by thefreak. Edited By crispy.

TAGS: Duggar Family, children, pregnancy, WTF, clown car, odd news

While many sons and daughters will be spending May 11th showering their maternal figures with flowers, cards, handmade macaroni pictures and the like as thanks for being torn asunder from quivering loins (more commonly known as "the miracle of birth"), we are inching ever so closer to Armageddon, and we have no one but the Duggar family to thank.

That's right, a new chapter is being added to the continuing adventures of Jim Bob Duggar and his semen trough cracker factory, uh, wife.

It's a happy Mother's Day for an Arkansas woman � she's pregnant with her 18th child. Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year's Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers. There are two sets of twins.

Yes, you read that correctly. Eighteenth child.

For those of you playing at home, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are conservative Baptists from Arkansas. He's a real estate agent and a wannabe Republican senator (he ran in 2002 and 2006, losing both times). She's a walking fetus rotisserie. They have 17 children, who range in age from 20 (Joshua) to 9 months (Jennifer). The rest are as follows:

Jana, 18; John-David, 18; Jill, 16; Jessa, 15; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 10; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9; Jason, 7; James, 6; Justin, 5; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, 2.

$20 in the SG Pool says Jedidiah is the first to go gay Democrat pothead atheist. How else do you get through life with a name like "Jedidiah?"

Duggar has been been pregnant for more than 11 years of her life, and the family is in the process of filming another series for Discovery Health.

135 months to be exact. That's over 4,000 days (I am not figuring out Leap Years) of little Jesus spawn Children of the Corn, uh, healthy, happy, children, always happy, always smiling, Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Danny...*shudder* Alright, dammit. Enough is enough, I say!

When a stiff wind can blow past your va-jay-jay and make a sound resembling thunderous applause, you have a problem.

When your doctor walks out with your new baby, you have a problem.

When an Internet meme mocking the sorry state of your genitals comes into existence to the laughter of millions, you have a problem.

And yes, they have a TV show. The TV gods could've freed up some airtime for marathons of Manimal or Circus of the Stars, but oh no...

The new show looks at life inside the Duggar home, where chores � or "jurisdictions" � are assigned to each child. One episode of the new show involves a "jurisdiction swap," where the boys do chores traditionally assigned to the girls, and vice versa, Duggar said.

"Jurisdictions?" Good gravy. What's wrong with a chore wheel?

"The girls swapped jurisdictions, changing tires, working in the garages, mowing the grass," she said. "The boys got to cook supper from start to finish, clean the bathrooms," among other chores.

Reversal of outdated, stereotypical gender roles? Oh, those wacky Duggars! What crazy scheme will they think up next? Anal, perhaps?

The Duggers claim they'll keep riding bareback "as long as God wills it."

"The success in a family is first off, a love for God, and secondly, treating each other like you want to be treated," Jim Bob Duggar said. "Our goal is for each one of our children to be best friends, and everybody working together to serve each other makes that happen."

If those two close in on Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman's mark in my lifetime, so help me, I'm sharpening my zombie machete.

thefreak, in all seriousness, wishes all you moms out there in SG Land a Happy Mother's Day. And he's shopping for cheap vasectomies in Mexico.

90 Comments

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Wren

SUICIDEGIRL

Minnesota, USA

MAY 10, 2008 07:55 AM

They have a very large house which they built largely themselves (although the project took so long they had to bring in contractors at the end) as well as a commercial kitchen because there are so many people in the house.

I've seen shows about these folks and all things considered they seem to be managing very well. They have a nice house with lots of space, they apparently have no debt to speak of, and the kids seem genuinely happy. Whether or not they are well-adjusted I certainly couldn't say.

The family is part of a movement called "Quiverfull", which is actually predominately Protestant.

Thistle

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

MAY 10, 2008 08:22 AM

Bill_the_Cat said:

Hell yes it's selfish. Now if they were farming there children in response to the world food crisis that would be another matter.
It always kills me that people believe in a kind and benevolent god, and at the same time believe that his will is for the world to become even more grossly over-populated, forcing famines, epidemics, wars, environmental ass-rapings, and all 'round world suffering.
Of course it's possible he believes God's will is that the apocalypse be hastened so that He can wipe out the gays, atheists and Darwinists*.

*OT, but has anyone else ever considered that the greatest argument against evolution may be that there are still people who don't believe in it?

Some Christians do believe in hastening the apocalypse, but they usually do so by supporting Israel against Palestine in the hopes that the temple on the mount will be rebuilt.

Surely you realize that that "argument" against evolution is pure nonsense as far as true evolutionary theory goes?

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAY 10, 2008 08:33 AM

Tallboy66 said:
"As long as God wills it" ?
I'm assuming at 41 she's nearing the end of her fertility, along with a lot of other things, sanity, patience, time, money, dreams of a different life...

How big is the house and what do they do for family vacations?

How many people do they have to hire to take care of these kids?

I'm guessing they don't get a lot of "quality time"

Actually, according to this page on their website, they do. Granted, a lot of Bibling is involved, but that's neither here nor there.

-TM

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAY 10, 2008 08:34 AM

ki1 said:
it had to be said. every sperm is sacred.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

though they're not catholics, but the premise is the same.

Well played, sir. Well played.

-TM

Ladybug

Columbus, OH

June 2006

MAY 10, 2008 08:41 AM

crispy said:

Cassiel said:
And why th'fuck do all the kids' names begin w/'J'?

Jurisdictions?

Maybe I just didn't get enough sleep, but that's hilarious.

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAY 10, 2008 08:49 AM

Thistle said:
Much as I disagree with the Duggar's choices and would not in a million years wish to bear 18 children, I find discussion of the state of their reproductive organs unbearably crass.

And you are entitled to your opinion. However, those of us who find the story equally hilarious and frightening are as well. So, personally, I'm going to joke about it all I want because I think she's a crazy woman, and is adoption that far-fetched a notion for them? Among other things, of course.

-TM

PointBlank

New York, NY

November 2004

MAY 10, 2008 08:57 AM

Bill_the_Cat said:

It always kills me that people believe in a kind and benevolent god, and at the same time believe that his will is for the world to become even more grossly over-populated, forcing famines, epidemics, wars, environmental ass-rapings, and all 'round world suffering.

Of course, most Christians don't believe in a kind God.

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAY 10, 2008 09:10 AM

PointBlank said:
Of course, most Christians don't believe in a kind God.

-TM

gdarklighter

San Diego, CA

August 2005

MAY 10, 2008 09:21 AM

I'm sorry, but Jedidiah is the the name you pick to make fun of? Not Jinger? Really?

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAY 10, 2008 09:23 AM

gdarklighter said:
I'm sorry, but Jedidiah is the the name you pick to make fun of? Not Jinger? Really?

Well, @least Jinger still sounds normal. If she was a ginger, then oh yeah, all bets would be off.

-TM

ElPasoAgresso

San Francisco, CA

April 2004

MAY 10, 2008 09:27 AM

I don't think God updates very often.

All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be detestable to you. There are, however, some winged creatures that walk on all fours that you may eat: those that have jointed legs for hopping on the ground. (Leviticus: 10:20-21)

ElPasoAgresso

San Francisco, CA

April 2004

MAY 10, 2008 09:28 AM

thefreak said:

PointBlank said:
Of course, most Christians don't believe in a kind God.

-TM

Oh shit that would make a great video game!

Bill_the_Cat

West Vancouver, BC

May 2005

MAY 10, 2008 10:16 AM

Thistle said:

Surely you realize that that "argument" against evolution is pure nonsense as far as true evolutionary theory goes?

Yes. That's why it's funny.

Thistle

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

MAY 10, 2008 10:29 AM

Oh... it was supposed to be funny.

Thistle

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

MAY 10, 2008 10:31 AM

thefreak said:

Thistle said:
Much as I disagree with the Duggar's choices and would not in a million years wish to bear 18 children, I find discussion of the state of their reproductive organs unbearably crass.

I think it's a funny story too. I just think talking about the state of her vagina as though it was any of your business is uncalled for and mildly misogynistic. Surely there are other angles.

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