The Colonel and I have had very differing ideas on what fried chicken should be for quite some time now. I think it should be hot, fresh, and tasty. He thinks it should resemble a grease-filled water balloon breaded with wallpaper paste. Thus, the Colonel and I see each other as often as Amy Winehouse sees Betty Ford. But, after a little prodding from the more drunken members of SGPDX and some inspiration from Patton Oswalt, I decided to give the KFC Mashed Potato Famous Bowl a whirl. What's the worst that could happen?

First Impressions

"Five ninety-nine" said the man-child drive-thru worker, his voice cracking and pitching. I pretended not to notice in hopes he wouldn't spit in my food, as, judging from his robust aroma, he was a Marlboro Red man capable of producing astounding quantities of sputum at the drop of a hat. Moments later, the phlegm-free hand-off was made and my car was filled with a slightly disturbing aroma akin to old canned vegetables and my Grandma. She's been dead since '98.

The Reveal

Remember that show Let's Make A Deal? You know the look the contestants had on their face when they traded their Popeil Pocket Fisherman for what was behind door number three and it ended up being a fucking donkey in a dress or a lifetime supply of Lutefisk? Well that was the look on my face when I saw this.



I wish they would have cracked an egg in it to keep my coat shiny and manageable. Maybe that's being a bit harsh, but it does look a bit like the commercials I've seen for premium dog foods. I hope this doesn't lead to me dragging my ass on the carpet.

The Mastication

It came with a spork!



Which, as it turns out, is the high point. I like all the things that went into this. I like chicken, corn, gravy, cheese, and mashed potatoes. But, packed together like a raftload of Haitian refugees, it just didn't work for me. It was absolutely flavorless despite its multitude of components. A perfect example of more is less. It doesn't even burp good, and now I smell like a dumpster at Hometown Buffet.

Overall Impressions

How can something so bland give me such terrible heartburn? Ugh. Will I ever eat this again? Sure, if I had just polished off a box or five of wine, or I was getting hazed into some sort of fraternal order, I might be up for it, but at noon? And dead sober? Never again.

I give the KFC Mashed Potato Famous Bowl



3/10 flushes


SnakePlissken thinks forty cents for an extra honey mustard packet is fucked.