Crook Takes Cue From Cartoons, Loses

I don't know what it is about these odd crook/crime stories that always interests me. I guess it's the universal situations, the ones we've seen countless times on film and TV, the majority of which play out not at all like it does on TV... and yet, sometimes, it does.

Shit... this guy actually tried the old, Scooby Doo technique! Are you fucking kidding me?? When faced with discovery and the options of fight or flight... he decides to try to hide in plain sight? Amazing. All that was missing was the frilly dress and tiara and a partner dressed like a 17th century dandy...

Yeah, not breathing seems like a tall order. But, according to my research, you only need to hold your breath for the two or three seconds when your pursuer is inches from you, scratching his chin with a puzzled look on his face. Then he'll eyeball you suspiciously before moving on. Or, he'll be about to reach out and touch you when some other guy will call him to come "check something out."

This is why it's better to try this trick in a wax museum or exhibit of some sort. He could've easily jumped into a display featuring "rock and roll" stars. Or maybe quickly slipped into an extra "Sgt. Pepper" costume coincidentally lying next to a Beatles exhibit, thus forming a momentarily curious but ultimately fool-proof disguise as an extra Beatle.

A riskier technique, not recommended for amateurs, is finding some sort of framed painting, tearing out the canvas, then holding the frame up in front of your body. Again, the evidence to suggest that this works in a non-cartoon world is minimal at best, so exercise caution.

Maybe the glass chamber was a bad idea. One the one hand, it prevents close inspection, on the other, it visibly collects evidence of your breathing for all to see. Damn, where's the anti-fog glass when you need it?

Oh is that your "custom"? How strange and unique that sounds to me, what with my habit of only burying people at Boot Hill circa 1870.

Nice looking corpses? I wonder if this will catch on with the rest of the world.

I think under the circumstances, what with his ratty clothes and all, he should've went with another equally implausible route to freedom. I'm picturing him holding his breath until the moments when all eyes were on him, and you could hear a pin drop, then him exploding into a back-from-the-grave zombie roar, terrifying all present.

Either everyone drops dead from fright and you run off, you get shot and killed possibly then turning into an actual zombie, you get shot in the head killing both you and your chances of returning as a zombie, in one shot. I like those odds...

Simple. Goth, mad-scientist bent on raising the dead, necrophiliac, or some combination of the three.

It just occurred to me that a mad-scientist capable of raising the dead who's also a necrophiliac... is in your classic "bittersweet" situation...




TheCoolerKing looks forward to the crook who attempts to plug a gun barrel with his finger, causing it to explode like a banana peel while covering everyone with black powder.