*bows to mellon*

Sure they can. Any guy, nice or otherwise, is an asshole. In fact, there are a lot of guys who are perceived as assholes by other guys who the women swoon over because he's "such a nice guy".

Nice guy=asshole. Asshole=honest asshole.

Yes, they can. Anyone can be an asshole. Some are just assholes more often than others. The nice guy is the one who can control his urge to be an asshole, for whatever reason. But he's probably still an asshole.

When two guys want the same woman, they will always tend to see each other as assholes. It's instinctive. Probably literally, although behavioral scientists tend to prefer to call it a "drive" rather than an "instinct."

Here's the deal, though. What matters is whether you see yourself as an asshole. If you do, don't just sit there - do something about it. And if you don't, ask yourself whether it's because you never thought about it, or whether it's because you've been working on it. If you never thought about it, you probably are an asshole. It's like the ground state of humanity - look around you.

This applies to women as well as men. Just because a ton of guys want to fuck you doesn't mean you're not an asshole. And if you are an asshole, you're going to have crappy luck with guys, even if you get a lot of chances at them. It's not that you need to find the right guy. It's that until you stop being an asshole, whatever guy you find is going to be the wrong guy.

Guys who say they're nice guys and wonder why women never go for them aren't nice guys. They're assholes.

Assholes aren't honest because they don't pretend to be nice guys. They're just assholes.

Party on and be excellent...

See Elaine, THIS is interesting writing.

yep

I'm pretty sure I married the only nice guy left, and I haven't entirely convinced myself he's not a serial killer or gay ...just kidding, aren't I?

"There are two key elements to a successful relationship: the desire to touch someone's bathing suit area, and the lack of desire to plot an elaborate execution of their disposal. Unfortunately for most of us, these ingredients rarely go hand in hand, and if they do, it's usually fleeting."

Lady you said it! You know the answers to your own questions. Even if you don't think you do. yeah i know that sounds a little paradoxical, but i think its true. I think you (like the rest of us singles) need to keep looking inward as much as/ or more as outward. Attraction is a slippery type of thing i think, but somthing about it is very constant also. We are each attracted to certain traits in other people, and those certain traits are a sort of reflection or possibly and extension of who we are and how we feel about ourselves. i think thats why we all tend to follow certain patterns in dating, and in life. Im not suggesting that we all need to sell out souls to find this illusive "the One" but i think there is definatly something to be said about doing a little soul searching every once in a while. So, Fractal, i think your on the right track with the self help book and thinking of dating as an experiment, but i might change your hypothosis up a bit.

You know, that whole "the One" thing....I don't really think it exists, yet every single woman I've ever had interst in I have compared to one person, and have even been tempted to track her down from time to time. Does that mean she was the one, and i fucked it up and let walk right past me? I don't know, and i doubt i ever will.
Also, I have been told, several times in fact, that i am a nice guy. Too nice, it seems, as the reason they turn me down is usually something along the lines of "I don't want to ruin our freindship", or my favorite, "I would only hurt you." Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?? Why is it so hard to say the truth? I'm overweight, Somewhat dull in the social department, and a bit of a hermit. Just tell me the truth! Idon't like fat guys and your boring might sting a little more, but at least its the truth.
And finally, yes, everyone can be an asshole every now and then. But is that any reason to give up on someone if you really care about them? If that were grounds for ending a relationship, I wouldn't have any friends left, and thats going both ways with the asshole thing.
I dunno. Just thought i'd throw my two cents in.

The point isn't that everyone else is an asshole. It's that you need to assess whether or not *you* are an asshole. Yes, everyone's an asshole to some degree, but if you have lots of asshole tendencies you're doing nothing about, maybe it's time to stop complaining and start doing something about them.

When they say you're a nice guy, what they really mean is that you're too nice to them. Meaning that you're treating them to some degree the way you would treat a girlfriend, but they're not your girlfriend and don't want to be. Or, classic female asshole thing, they're happy to have you worshiping them as long as they don't have to reciprocate. Don't worry, they'll grow out of it. Unfortunately, they'll be 40 and you'll have moved on, but that's their problem, not yours.

My asshole unsolicited advice (yup, I'm an asshole too!) is that you should take it as a given that there is a "the one" for you out there. Probably not the one you remember. And when you meet her, you'd better have your shit together, because you want the first impression to be a good one. So try to figure out what she would want, and try to become that. Make yourself into an offering to her.

A few things she doesn't want: worship, gifts, help. She wants someone who she can respect, not someone to do stuff for her. If she wants stuff, she's an asshole, and needs to grow up, and she's not the one (yet).

From the way you describe yourself, you have poor body image. Stop thinking that way. If you think your weight is getting in the way, do something about it every day. Ashtanga's good. Bicycling's good. Rollerblading's good. But it has to be every day. And you won't do it for you, so do it for her.

Figure out what she would like your hair to look like, and make it look that way. Figure out what clothes she likes, and dress that way. Don't dress for you, or for your image of who you are, or to make a statement. All of your outer appearance is for her, not for you. You only have to look at yourself in the mirror - she'll have to do it all the time when she's with you.

Don't do it to impress her. Just do it because it's what she wants. It doesn't matter if you get it wrong as long as you try. Check out Zoetica's late lamented column.

And that's just the superficial crap. It matters, and I suggest doing it first because it's easy and good for your self-esteem, which is really important. But after you've got that, there's more. You want someone really great, right? Someone who's funny, who's nice, who cares about you. Don't think you can't have her. Don't think "I am not worthy." Don't think "how can I pretend to be someone she would like." Think "in what ways am I not worthy, and what can I do about it?"

And then, the best way to not be an asshole is to never be an asshole. If it's a mask you wear when you're on the prowl, it won't work. Don't wear a mask - become the person you aspire to be for her. And don't think it's impossibly hard: that person probably isn't very different from the person you are now.

*nothing to see here*



/distracting dance

Worst. Advice. Ever.

You cannot possibly convey any sort of semblance of self-worth if you can't dress according to your own personal taste. Seriously. Self-worth is a key ingredient of good self-esteem, and I think the concept of "Good Self-Esteem = Attractive" has already been covered.

But I digress.

Yeah, basically - dress for yourself, you'll find someone who likes you, for you.