News > Culture > Abandon All Hope: Fatalist Love

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SUNDAY MARCH 30 2008 1:00 AM

Abandon All Hope: Fatalist Love

Submitted by Fractal

Edited by erin_broadley

Tags: dating, relationships, sex,

Like most people of our generation, I've been bouncing from one relationship to the next breakup the majority of my dating life. These are splattered with gaps of singledom in between, periods of heavy drinking, and those advertisements of LOOK HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING! I think I've finally realized is that I just don't get it. I don't get the dating game, the motives, the rules, or the language.

Don't get me wrong - I've had meaningful relationships. Those do-or-die holy-shit-this-is-fucking-IT sort of things. I keep finding myself single again though, and now consider myself something of a scientist in the ongoing, "let's see how fast this can go wrong experiment.

Not long ago, hung-over as holy hell, I wondered to myself where and why it all went wrong. Not where it went wrong with one particular person, but where it actually all went wrong, way down the line. Perhaps it's that I chain smoke and get embarrassingly drunk on a fairly regular basis? Perhaps it's that I seem to lack any sort of filter between my brain and my mouth, and horribly inappropriate things become audible? I find myself talking in great detail about my cat, my general distrust in all humanity, and the dead things I collect in jars at home. The words just fall out of my mouth, and my brain screams, Stop talking about your cat! but the words just keep coming. Or maybe I just pick the wrong fellas. I've found myself on dates with people with pseudonyms and nicknames such as "Nasty", "Rotten" and -- my personal favorite -- "Mad Dog".

Noticing a pattern here? And yeah they all lived up to their names.

There is this rumor, this urban legend if you will, of the "One". Is this One a Matrix character programmed and designed specifically for you, while wearing cool coats the whole time? Or is this One that guy in the bar that spilled his drink all over my shirt and then leered at me in wet clothing? Maybe I should have given him a shot. I mean, after all, at least I had his attention for the moment.

Another legend is the proverbial "nice guy". Have any of you ever met this creature? I sure havent. Ive met the ones that do the nice guy act holding doors open, picking up the tab, not slipping you a date-rape drug... but deep down inside theres something horribly awry. There was one that went so far as to try to spoon me the food off my dinner plate. Sorry buddy, but Ive got that utensil thing down. I found it rather insulting, really. So where does this nice guy live and lurk? And how do you spot it, tag it, and hunt it down?

Recently, I read my very first self-help book. I purchased this book after going out with someone a few times, and actually enjoying myself, but my phone never rang again. Not even a courtesy email. Manners are totally out this season. Or are they? Is it just a misinterpretation on my part? I have a small army of close male friends that lend a hand, act as translators since apparently I do not speak Boy, and they say the same thing that the book said, "Jesus Christ, lady, you could do SO much better." This book I picked up, and my buddies, have all simultaneously inflated my ego to grandiose proportions and told me that I am fucking doomed to be alone the rest of my life.

There are plenty of single people out there. Even just now, in bed in my studio apartment, I hear a female neighbor through the walls coming home talking on her cell phone to someone. I clearly heard the slightly slurred words of, "Once again, I'm alone. Gotta love my life." I knew it couldn't just be me.

There are two key elements to a successful relationship: the desire to touch someone's bathing suit area, and the lack of desire to plot an elaborate execution of their disposal. Unfortunately for most of us, these ingredients rarely go hand in hand, and if they do, it's usually fleeting.

Maybe all any of us is looking for is a true love, or maybe a truly fatalist love. Cause really, what are our other options?

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Comments

ymonster

New York, NY

February 2003

MAR 31, 2008 12:44 AM

Aw. Does someone need a hug? I promise I won't grab your ass this time... And I always hold doors open for ladies. I miss you!

jeremyscareme

Los Angeles, CA

January 2004

MAR 31, 2008 05:55 AM

Remind me to share my "To whom it may concern: I regret to inform you that you, as it turns out, are NOT the one" form letter with you.

Handy.

michaeljtoo

I'm lost

December 2004

MAR 31, 2008 09:48 AM

Well, your piece worked very well in one regard: I've just spent about half an hour thinking. I'm astounded that a woman who is seemingly so together is having basic human relationship trouble. I guess everybody does.

I'm a total geezer who once "counted lovers like railroad cars," to quote Joni Mitchell. Here's my opinion.

Love is not likely to walk up and slap you in the face, and even if it does, it's not likely to then stick with you forever. Love is something you build if you want it, at the cost of a big chunk of your freedom.

If you're seriously looking for nice guys, go where the nice guys hang out. They're more likely to be doing things like feeding the homeless or teaching school than they are to be playing in a rock band or tending bar in a strip club. I mean, don't look for an apple in a crate of oranges.

(I have NOTHING against rock bands or strip clubs.)

There are lots of nice guys out there. They're not secretly evil, either. But they are just like everybody else -- some will be a bit neurotic, some are busy, some are getting over a heartbreak of their own, some don't really bathe enough, some insist on getting up at 5 a.m.

There is no "one." But some candidates are going to be better than others. And once you find a guy you really wouldn't mind living with, or even having children with, the real fun begins. You're going to fight. You're going to get bored. That's called two normal people sharing one life.

And, based on my own experience, after about ten years you'll realize that you're just starting to understand loving someone. I know it sounds like crap, but if you want to go through life with a partner--no matter how crazy you were about them to start with--you're going to wonder for a long time if you're doing the right thing. And then one day you stop worrying about it because you love the other person as much as you love you.

alaynah

San Marcos, TX

February 2007

MAR 31, 2008 12:01 PM

just got dumped yesterday after three years...your legend of the nice guy is dead on....its a long drawn out play in which he screws you for good at the end. great article, looking forward to the next

mellon

Brattleboro, VT

October 2004

MAR 31, 2008 12:18 PM

You talk about relationships like they're solid, but they're not. They're processes. One person's nice guy is another person's complete asshole.

And they are processes over which you control only two variables: how you act, and whether you stay. If you get involved with the wrong guy, even controlling the second variable can be hard.

So if you want a nice guy, be a nice girl. I don't mean stop being a hot babe - that's a nice thing you can do for a guy - part of being a nice girl, if it's something your guy wants. But getting shitfaced isn't nice. Not controlling your speech isn't nice - it's fine to say what you intend to say, but think how it would be if your boy said everything that came to his mind. Only if his mind is perfectly purely sweet will that work, and even nice guys aren't perfect. You can learn to control your speech. You don't have to accept logorrhea.

I spent five years in a relationship with a woman who took feminist pride in not knowing how to make coffee for me. I would bend over backwards doing things that she wanted me to do for her, and get no appreciation, and she took pride in not doing things for me.

Being a feminist myself, I saw nothing wrong with this, but it doesn't work in relationships. You have to want to do things for your sweetie, and frankly they can't be exceptional things. They have to be things like making coffee. Because you can't do exceptional things all the time.

I don't know much about you except that you are darkly hot. That's as likely to work against you as for you - who needs dozens of fanboys with sick crushes on you? But if indeed you can't control what you say, and you get drunk all the time, these are two things you're doing that act as definite obstacles to meeting nice guys. Nice guys will avoid you like the plague, even if they think you're hot.

Ask yourself if what you want is to be with someone who adores you, and continues to adore you once they know you well. If that is what you want, are you someone who is that adorable? If not, what's missing? Work on it. Keep a journal. Whenever you notice something you wish you hadn't done, write it down. When you notice something you're happy you did, write that down. Don't think of yourself as being a certain way, a certain kind of person - just think of yourself as a canvas upon which you can draw, and try to draw a person there that you like. You don't really even have to succeed - just sincerely, carefully trying is what works.

JOVANKA

Toronto, ON

October 2002

MAR 31, 2008 02:25 PM

I'm so proud of you. And don't count me out of the ONE category. You're the amazingest.

Riva

Apopka, FL

May 2005

MAR 31, 2008 04:12 PM

One of my co-workers had something of an epiphany today...

"I think all the good guys are with bad women, and all the good women are with bad guys."

I think she's right. I hope we all find our other halves someday.

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH

April 2004

MAR 31, 2008 04:32 PM

mellon said: