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  • SUNDAY MARCH 30 2008 1:00 AM

Abandon All Hope: Fatalist Love

Submitted by Fractal

Edited by erin_broadley

Tags: dating, relationships, sex,

Like most people of our generation, I've been bouncing from one relationship to the next breakup the majority of my dating life. These are splattered with gaps of singledom in between, periods of heavy drinking, and those advertisements of LOOK HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING! I think I've finally realized is that I just don't get it. I don't get the dating game, the motives, the rules, or the language.

Don't get me wrong - I've had meaningful relationships. Those do-or-die holy-shit-this-is-fucking-IT sort of things. I keep finding myself single again though, and now consider myself something of a scientist in the ongoing, "let's see how fast this can go wrong” experiment.

Not long ago, hung-over as holy hell, I wondered to myself where and why it all went wrong. Not where it went wrong with one particular person, but where it actually all went wrong, way down the line. Perhaps it's that I chain smoke and get embarrassingly drunk on a fairly regular basis? Perhaps it's that I seem to lack any sort of filter between my brain and my mouth, and horribly inappropriate things become audible? I find myself talking in great detail about my cat, my general distrust in all humanity, and the dead things I collect in jars at home. The words just fall out of my mouth, and my brain screams, “Stop talking about your cat!” but the words just keep coming. Or maybe I just pick the wrong fellas. I've found myself on dates with people with pseudonyms and nicknames such as "Nasty", "Rotten" and -- my personal favorite -- "Mad Dog".

Noticing a pattern here? And yeah – they all lived up to their names.

There is this rumor, this urban legend if you will, of the "One". Is this One a Matrix character programmed and designed specifically for you, while wearing cool coats the whole time? Or is this One that guy in the bar that spilled his drink all over my shirt and then leered at me in wet clothing? Maybe I should have given him a shot. I mean, after all, at least I had his attention for the moment.

Another legend is the proverbial "nice guy". Have any of you ever met this creature? I sure haven’t. I’ve met the ones that do the nice guy act – holding doors open, picking up the tab, not slipping you a date-rape drug... but deep down inside there’s something horribly awry. There was one that went so far as to try to spoon me the food off my dinner plate. Sorry buddy, but I’ve got that utensil thing down. I found it rather insulting, really. So where does this nice guy live and lurk? And how do you spot it, tag it, and hunt it down?

Recently, I read my very first self-help book. I purchased this book after going out with someone a few times, and actually enjoying myself, but my phone never rang again. Not even a courtesy email. Manners are totally out this season. Or are they? Is it just a misinterpretation on my part? I have a small army of close male friends that lend a hand, act as translators since apparently I do not speak Boy, and they say the same thing that the book said, "Jesus Christ, lady, you could do SO much better." This book I picked up, and my buddies, have all simultaneously inflated my ego to grandiose proportions and told me that I am fucking doomed to be alone the rest of my life.

There are plenty of single people out there. Even just now, in bed in my studio apartment, I hear a female neighbor through the walls coming home talking on her cell phone to someone. I clearly heard the slightly slurred words of, "Once again, I'm alone. Gotta love my life." I knew it couldn't just be me.

There are two key elements to a successful relationship: the desire to touch someone's bathing suit area, and the lack of desire to plot an elaborate execution of their disposal. Unfortunately for most of us, these ingredients rarely go hand in hand, and if they do, it's usually fleeting.

Maybe all any of us is looking for is a true love, or maybe a truly fatalist love. Cause really, what are our other options?

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Comments
Cherry

Cherry

SUICIDEGIRL

British Columbia, Canada

MAR 30, 2008 11:53 AM

I adore this. It's so well written and speaks to many people. I'd say the same (as probably most of the women here) that I relate or some other nonsense. I think, really, though, we all live our own personal hell in one form of another. Or maybe I'm too negative?

I don't know. I think all human beings have that dark spot at the centre of their personality; that need to destroy what's good. The nice guys are only nice for so long. The benefit of them is their inner black core only shows itself every so often.

Plus, on a more mundane note. I'm lacking that filter of which you speak too. We should hang out and speak about completely irrelevant stuff.

Polkadot

Polkadot

SUICIDEGIRL

Macau

MAR 30, 2008 12:02 PM

proabably the stupidest comment you'll get here but i dont know...maybe we're just looking really hard.

DarkSomething

DarkSomething

San Diego, CA
July 2007

MAR 30, 2008 12:05 PM

seanbonner said:
First of all fuck dating, the minute you put a title like that on something it becomes something else. Hang out with people you like, spend time with people you have fun with and suddenly there is a lot less stress and bullshit dumped on top of something. You can't make something a relationship just by calling it that, and most often that's what people do. A label doesn't dictate actions, even though most people think it does. "Married" is supposed to "forever" and we all know that's crap, so why is "dating" any different? You can't put people in fancy little boxes that classify them perfectly and relationships are no different.



I completely agree. As I go on to say I don't Date, I hang out with people I enjoy being around, this being I rarely get into relationships but it's better then the stress and pressure people put themselves into through the whole dating thing.

Chloe

Chloe

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

MAR 30, 2008 02:00 PM

I dated a "Rotten" once. And I think I even knew better at the time.
You're awesome.

Tiger_Fodder

Tiger_Fodder

Braintree, MA
June 2007

MAR 30, 2008 02:11 PM

It is sad to see someone so young already jaded. I am not from your generation. I am a gen-x slacker type. However, 23 years ago I met the love of my life. I can tell you that those romantic love things do exist. They do not just happen. You have to work hard on them. The girl and I have been married for 17 years and it works because we make it work.

It makes me sad to see some of you put down dating. Hanging out with your buds is not dating. You cannot get to know someone one-on-one while your friends are about. Guys should try to be romantic, no matter how other guys try to make you think you are less than a guy if you do. Ladies, do not be wallflowers. If they guy does not call you, then call him. Guys are stupid for the most part when it comes to relationships.

For the record, nice guys do exist. You can find a boat load of them on this very site believe it or not and most of them are very single.

RileyStClair

RileyStClair

Los Angeles, CA
September 2006

MAR 30, 2008 02:15 PM

a great start to your column!

for the record, dating is totally overrated.

erin_broadley

erin_broadley

Los Angeles, CA
October 2006

MAR 30, 2008 02:17 PM

as i like to say: i don't have ex-boyfriends, i have experiences.


PotatoValentine

PotatoValentine

Eugene, OR
May 2007

MAR 30, 2008 02:57 PM

Well, I wish I had something motivational to say like the vast majority of those posting here, but really all I have to say is that I think it was a great article. Well written and all that jazz. Sorry I don't have any sort of advice or anything, but that's not really my bag.

thinwhytduke

thinwhytduke

Blackwood, NJ
February 2008

MAR 30, 2008 03:24 PM

Hello. I hear you. The first reasonable advice I would give (if you care for any) is to let it go. Over-thinking and analyzing this subject, as I had done, does not have results. There are only more questions, and I found answers I would have been better off not knowing anyway. And second, if you recognize a pattern, then try something opposite, a guy you wouldn't normally consider. I don't mean a homely computer programming geek who still lives with mom at 35 years old. Yet this would be in the spirit of my suggestion, minus the homely, and living on his own. You never can tell what suprises there are with someone different. I was once that geek, spent some freaky-deeky time while getting college under my belt, got lost for a while, and then reverted back to being that perverbial nice guy who ended up finishing last. But I don't regret all I've been, nor burn my brain trying to figure out what went wrong. I find friends that I like to hang with now, and avoid the familiar boring crap I already learned about. Anything else that happens will happen, and that's life. And thanks for adding me as a friend on myspace, btw!
TinMan Matt

OpticNerve

OpticNerve

Arlington, MA
November 2003

MAR 30, 2008 03:33 PM

You know what's worse for your self-esteem than not getting a call back from someone with whom you had a couple of great dates? Getting dumped by your fiance for a Hollywood screenwriter.

See you in the self-help section at Barnes & Noble.

ardour

ardour

Ottawa, ON
March 2006

MAR 30, 2008 03:48 PM

I've kind of just come to the conclusion that the type of girl I'm attracted to and the type of girl that is attracted to me isn't too often the same.

I can also be shy, and don't like to be associated with the pushy types of guys that drive up to girls on the street and try to pick them up, so I don't tend to be someone who chases.

Then throw in the fact that I've been single for such long periods of time, that I've probably become very selfish, cynical, and set in my ways...

Lemonkid

Lemonkid

Canada
May 2003

MAR 30, 2008 03:51 PM

Firstly to everyone who has already or is about to call themself a nice guy in this thread - go fuck yourself.

But nice article. I've been wondering lately whether there's any great loves or if life is just a series of kick-ass hookups with varying degrees of relationship added on.

Doesn't the design rule of having 2 of 3 apply here? Good, fast, cheap.

Good + Fast = Expensive
Good + Cheap = Slow
Fast + Cheap = Inferior

Except for relationships we'll replace those words with...

well I'll leave that to you clever folk.

PyramidScreen

PyramidScreen

San Jose, CA
March 2008

MAR 30, 2008 04:32 PM

I've realized for years, that half the people-in the rock bands I was playing with, were alcoholics. They just wanted to party. Party people are often-times selfish people.
It's a drag.
I was in it for the music.
'Motives' are on a lot of people's minds. Sex, party, $$$.
You're smarter than most of them, Fractal.

Get rid of the dead things in jars.
Keep the kitty cat.

attn_ho

attn_ho

Brooklyn, NY
February 2004

MAR 30, 2008 04:43 PM

PyramidScreen said:

Get rid of the dead things in jars.
Keep the kitty cat.



funny, i was going to say the reverse.

Chainlink

Chainlink

Key West, FL
August 2005

MAR 30, 2008 05:29 PM

The name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho.

how YOU doin ?

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