News > Culture > Time is Now: Invade Germany

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WEDNESDAY MARCH 5 2008 6:00 AM

Poor Hitler... Poor, poor Hitler. (A phrase undoubtedly put "on ice" shortly after WWII and, even then, only used by his closest friends, and, perhaps, one, disappointed, sarcastic lover... Also, Gene Wilder may've used it in the original Producers film as well, I'm not sure.) If Hitler could only see what's become of his great and powerful master race.

Berlin-German soldiers are overweight, smoke too much and do not engage in enough sports, according to a report published Tuesday by the parliamentary commissioner for the defence force.

What would short-stash say if he saw them now? Yes, probably something shockingly racist. Most likely involving Jews, and him spitting while he yells.

"Male and female soldiers are too fat, partake little in sports and pay too little attention to what they eat," Reinhold Robbe said in his official report to parliament. He called the situation "shocking."

Oh shit, it sounds like average Americans have been secretly enlisting in the German army!!! It's some kind of conspiracy!

Really, what happened, over there? Are the monkey bars made out of churros? My best guess is, after the humiliation they suffered at the hands of our Dirty Dozen commando squad, who assassinated numerous high ranking German officials, they decided to build their own team. In fact, they went one step further, building a whole army out of washouts, slackers and Telly Savalas'. Or, maybe they overestimated the arrival time of all those futuristic robot armies we keep hearing about.

In the 18-29 age-group, military personnel are in worse condition than their civilian counterparts, with 40 per cent of soldiers overweight against 35 per cent in the general population, according to Robbe.

Tsk, tsk.... How is this even possible? How much eating and drinking must one do to not only offset but completely outweigh the daily, army-life workout regimen? Or, is eating and drinking the regimen?

Despite the widespread availability of sports equipment in the army, more than 20 per cent don't engage in any sports at all.

I'm picturing boxes and boxes of footballs, basketballs, rollerblades and field hockey sticks, totally untouched, while a German commander looks on in dismay.

"Zay vont use ze equipment! Vat kin ve do? Zay do not like to play kickballz!"

Robbe also noted that an alarming 70 per cent of military personnel were smokers.

The more I read about them, the more fun this army sounds. Maybe they're on to something. If this catches on with other countries, I could see entire battle fields filled with bent-over, wheezing soldiers, just looking for a stray Kit Kat... There'd be no war! Or, at the very least, war would get simultaneously more disgusting, and more "jolly".

So, is it too late? Are we past the tipping point? Who could fix this mess?

R. Lee Ermey's Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket? A little of this:

Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing. I will PT you all until you fucking die. I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk.

Mixed with some of this:

Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world!

The legendary Warren Oates' Sgt. Hulka from Stripes? He was able to whip Bill Murray into shape, right?

Clint Eastwood's Sgt. Tom Highway from the underrated Heartbreak Ridge?

My name's Gunnery Sergeant Highway and I've drunk more beer and banged more quiff and pissed more blood and stomped more ass that all of you numbnuts put together.

The black guy from "227" who yelled at Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin?

Ah well, chin-up German Fatso Squad, you're still beating these guys:

Eight British Commandos have been flown home in disgrace for stripping naked and engaging in appalling behaviour in a Norwegian bar during an Arctic training exercise. The men disgusted onlookers in the town of Harstad with a drunken game of "naked bar".

After whipping off their clothes, they urinated on each other - splashing other customers and furniture - before slurring insults and abuse.

I mean, you haven't yet peed on each other, and I don't care what anyone says, in my army, that still means something.

TheCoolerKing ranks Stripes right up there with the funniest Bill Murray performances of all time

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Comments

Bev_Antain

Italy

February 2004

MAR 05, 2008 06:44 AM

All of the sudden Euro armies actually seem quite funny...but now that i think of it my military draft service some 8 years ago or so was kind of an excersise in lazynes and stupidity rather than a lesson in discipline...oh well

DhD_No_Pants

Katy, TX

May 2006

MAR 05, 2008 07:27 AM

I love churros.

Mr_Matt_

Pompano Beach, FL

July 2005

MAR 05, 2008 07:37 AM

Maybe it's time France shook of the negative image and gave the Germans some "just desserts". They like desserts right?

Cold4

Germany

April 2007

MAR 05, 2008 11:18 AM

I was in the German Air Force and to say this report shocked me would be a lie.
Honestly, during your basic training, you run around quite a lot, but after that you just sit and wait. And, since soldiers normally don't have to do much during peace, you wait a lot more.

Maybe Germany should start same training programs like the US in overseas. I heard the Japanese prime minister dissed our chancelor.

Mark_plus_Beer

United Kingdom

August 2005

MAR 05, 2008 11:22 AM

im sure a Nato sponsored trip to Afghanistan would whip them into shape

Louis_XIV

France

August 2007

MAR 05, 2008 12:05 PM

It seems that the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation isn't anymore what it used to be.

Quirky

Birmingham, AL

October 2005

MAR 05, 2008 12:42 PM

Louis_XIV said:
It seems that the Holy Roman Empire of the German Nation isn't anymore what it used to be.

There are more whores. It's much better now.

lefthandright

New Zealand

September 2006

MAR 05, 2008 12:55 PM

one would think the smoking would have counteracted the weight again from the eating....pretty much that is the upside and downside of smoking isn't?...you smoke and that is bad,...but your thin and that is good......you give up the smoking and that is good, but you put on weight and that is bad...

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH

February 2007

MAR 05, 2008 01:02 PM

The German Military has had so many restrictions placed on it since that whole World War II thing, they are only allowed to retain a "defense force", which is basically a military strong enough to defend their nation and that's it. The Bundeswehr, was basically only like a National Guard type force up until 1994. In 1994, they opened up the meaning of "national defense" a bit more, to include a few more things. But for the most part, it falls on the shoulders of NATO and the Allied Nations. Germany isn't allowed to conduct any warfare on their own, unless it's part of a NATO or European Union Operation.

Being of direct German descent, i'd like to remind you that, Germany is renowned for it's engineering, although they brought great destruction in WW I and WW II, they created things that we do utilize today, and the United States often welcomes German Engineering teams into the country in order to help develop critical technologies in a more timely manner. I would like to imagine that if Germany were to ever fall under attack, that things would change, and quickly, and the instigator would probably regret the attack.

I am going to make the presumption that this isn't what the German Government wanted to become of their military, this is what their military has become due to restrictions placed on it, which, after they tried to, you know, dominate the world, may not be such a bad thing.

defaultx

I'm lost

February 2006

MAR 05, 2008 01:40 PM

Have you ever looked at German art? the country is srsly fucked up and has deep deep scars from WW II.