This column is two days late. I never miss a deadline so it’s a big deal for me. I was all set to go with a column about Hamburgers and I was half way through it and on my way to finishing a glorious tale of America’s favorite sandwich when I got side-tracked by my day job (writing Metal songs is harder than you think). It totally blew my vibe and the burger story got shit-canned.

I’m sure I will write about burgers in the near future as they are near and dear to my belly, but for now we’re going underground into the dark depraved world of illegal French cuisine. Some, dare I say, Black Metal cuisine. Evil shit. Right up my alley.

Have you ever heard of an Ortolan? I hadn’t until I read a story about how on his death-bed Francois Mitterrand (used to be President of France) requested this dish as part of a “last” meal with friends and family shortly before he died. My curiosity piqued, I started to ask around (Google didn’t exist yet). Turns out the Ortolan are tiny little birds eaten whole and it’s been illegal since 1999. If the French outlaw a food, something’s up. Check out this description from The Global Gourmet Connoisseur’s Series and then we will discuss:

“The eating of the Ortolan has ethical eating groups baying for blood. First, it is caught with a net in the forest. Taken alive, its eyes are poked out and the bird is put in a small cage. It's then force-fed oats, millet and figs until it has swollen to four times its normal size. Then the bird is drowned alive in fine cognac. Then, it's roasted whole, in an oven at high heat, for six to eight minutes. Once it reaches the table, a napkin is placed over the eater's head. The technique of eating the Ortolan is to put the whole bird into the mouth, with only the beak protruding. Here sadism mingles with masochism. The first taste as you crunch on the bird is the brandied flesh and fat. Then, the bitterness of the guts follow and finally, as the tiny, delicate bones are being chewed on, they will lacerate the diner's gums, with the salty taste of the bleeding gums mingling with the richness of the fat and the bitterness of the organs. Chewing the Ortolan takes approximately 15 minutes.”

OK my Peta friends, put the knives down. A man’s gotta eat and he’s gonna eat meat. Wow, that was so Ted Nugent of me. Now I have nothing against my vegetarian/vegan brothers and sisters. I believe in to each his own. I would never tell someone what to put in his or her mouth. So please, don’t hate me; hate the cute little birds for being so damn tasty.
Now I haven’t had the experience of eating an Ortolan.

Yet.

I’ve read endlessly about the ritual. The drowning of the birds in Cognac or Armagnac is so you can taste the bird’s last breath. There are stories about Popes that would cover their heads not to keep the aroma in, but to hide their shame from God. Stories about secret societies dressed in black robes holding Romanesque orgies of food and flesh. Creepy? Fascinating? Stomach turning? Could I possibly pop one of these little fellas in my mouth like a Peeps Easter treat?

I’ve been on a quest for the last few years as my connections in the world of rock-star chefs have grown ten fold. If anyone could procure these feathered treats and get them into the country it would be one of them. I’ve even started a secret society called RES (the only way to know what it stands for is to be a member and the only way to be a member is to be asked) with a group of like-minded individuals ready to don the robes, crank some Darkthrone and eat like the sinners of oldy times.

And when I do, you'll hear about it here first.

Damn I’m hungry.

Cheers,
Scott