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  • WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 13 2008 6:00 AM

Scott Ian's Food Coma: Black Metal Cuisine

Submitted by scott_ian

Edited by erin_broadley

This column is two days late. I never miss a deadline so it’s a big deal for me. I was all set to go with a column about Hamburgers and I was half way through it and on my way to finishing a glorious tale of America’s favorite sandwich when I got side-tracked by my day job (writing Metal songs is harder than you think). It totally blew my vibe and the burger story got shit-canned.

I’m sure I will write about burgers in the near future as they are near and dear to my belly, but for now we’re going underground into the dark depraved world of illegal French cuisine. Some, dare I say, Black Metal cuisine. Evil shit. Right up my alley.

Have you ever heard of an Ortolan? I hadn’t until I read a story about how on his death-bed Francois Mitterrand (used to be President of France) requested this dish as part of a “last” meal with friends and family shortly before he died. My curiosity piqued, I started to ask around (Google didn’t exist yet). Turns out the Ortolan are tiny little birds eaten whole and it’s been illegal since 1999. If the French outlaw a food, something’s up. Check out this description from The Global Gourmet Connoisseur’s Series and then we will discuss:

“The eating of the Ortolan has ethical eating groups baying for blood. First, it is caught with a net in the forest. Taken alive, its eyes are poked out and the bird is put in a small cage. It's then force-fed oats, millet and figs until it has swollen to four times its normal size. Then the bird is drowned alive in fine cognac. Then, it's roasted whole, in an oven at high heat, for six to eight minutes. Once it reaches the table, a napkin is placed over the eater's head. The technique of eating the Ortolan is to put the whole bird into the mouth, with only the beak protruding. Here sadism mingles with masochism. The first taste as you crunch on the bird is the brandied flesh and fat. Then, the bitterness of the guts follow and finally, as the tiny, delicate bones are being chewed on, they will lacerate the diner's gums, with the salty taste of the bleeding gums mingling with the richness of the fat and the bitterness of the organs. Chewing the Ortolan takes approximately 15 minutes.”

OK my Peta friends, put the knives down. A man’s gotta eat and he’s gonna eat meat. Wow, that was so Ted Nugent of me. Now I have nothing against my vegetarian/vegan brothers and sisters. I believe in to each his own. I would never tell someone what to put in his or her mouth. So please, don’t hate me; hate the cute little birds for being so damn tasty.
Now I haven’t had the experience of eating an Ortolan.

Yet.

I’ve read endlessly about the ritual. The drowning of the birds in Cognac or Armagnac is so you can taste the bird’s last breath. There are stories about Popes that would cover their heads not to keep the aroma in, but to hide their shame from God. Stories about secret societies dressed in black robes holding Romanesque orgies of food and flesh. Creepy? Fascinating? Stomach turning? Could I possibly pop one of these little fellas in my mouth like a Peeps Easter treat?

I’ve been on a quest for the last few years as my connections in the world of rock-star chefs have grown ten fold. If anyone could procure these feathered treats and get them into the country it would be one of them. I’ve even started a secret society called RES (the only way to know what it stands for is to be a member and the only way to be a member is to be asked) with a group of like-minded individuals ready to don the robes, crank some Darkthrone and eat like the sinners of oldy times.

And when I do, you'll hear about it here first.

Damn I’m hungry.

Cheers,
Scott


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Comments
Bev_Antain

Bev_Antain

Italy
February 2004

FEB 14, 2008 10:42 AM

scott_ian said:

My Italian friend bev_antain said it best:

"Reading it, it's clearly quite tongue in cheek and whoever has followed Scott Ian's carreer through the years will know that the man has quite a sense of humor, even in situations where that might seem unappropriate to some, and probably that sense of humor made him not only one of the most likeable people in metal, but also allowed him to soldier on through cases of extreme bad luck"



Ok...being that i'm an Anthrax fan pretty much since the day I could go and buy a record by myself, and that's a long fucking time ago, those few lines made me grin from ear to ear and compelled me to act like Eric Cartman and call al my metalhead friends just to taunt em a bit.
Thanks Scott, you really made my day.

Oh and that next column seems quite interesting too hahahahahaha

Horrorflick

Horrorflick

Detroit, MI
February 2003

FEB 14, 2008 11:53 AM

That actually sounds kinda fucking sick. Who the fuck would eat something like that anyway?

Ferretbite

Ferretbite

Mexico
September 2006

FEB 14, 2008 12:37 PM

scott_ian said:
Don't know if this works. If you want to send some music related questions I'll try and sneak the answers in past the editors. Cheers, Scott



No way, as soon as you start taking requests shit will go crazy and you do have a blog where you can post that kind of thing, just stick to the plan, dude.

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

FEB 14, 2008 12:41 PM

Morgan said:

DevilsReject said:
Scott Ian has the ability to answer questions like "What does illegal pirating mean to you as an artist?", "What is the future of Metal?", "What the hell happened to the final S.O.D. album?" or "How did you make it where you are?". He could do articles on the RIAA, concert organizing, or hell even "The history of Scott Ian", something at least a tiny bit interesting.

Rather than putting a little effort into an Article, i am supposed to "oooh" and "aaaah" while reading about something he is going to shit out in 24 hours.



Seriously? So he should only write about what YOU want him to write about? If you met an actor, would you whine if he didn't only talk about movies?

Just because Scott Ian is involved with music doesn't mean that's the only thing he cares about, right? I think it's incredibly presumptuous of you to argue that if a musician is hired to write a column, it should only be about music. In fact I think it makes it MORE interesting that someone has been hired to write something outside of their assumed "medium". I think you're coming off as incredibly spoiled and whiny, and disrespectful as well.

The guy is allowed to have an opinion about something other than music, you know.



No, but usually when you hire a writer to write about something, you hire them for their expertise in a subject and i never once said he had to write about music alone. I said it would be nice to get articles about that, it doesn't necessarily need to be exactly that subject.

But Food? C'mon seriously. Truffles? I saw this guy in concert religiously when he came to my part of town. You want to talk about putting energy into a show, i would drool when i heard about Anthrax coming to town, just knowing what those shows were like. There was nothing more hardcore metal than Scott Ian. Now i am reduced to reading about truffles, and fucking Olive Garden? the man has traveled more in the last twenty minutes, then i will ever get to in my entire life. Scott Ian: World Traveler.

If i would want to l live vicariously thought anyone, it would more than likely be Scott Ian. I appreciate that he is trying a different medium, but holy baby jeebus is it anti-climatic. If i ever get to see Anthrax play again, instead of saying "Holy shit it's fucking SCOTT IAN" i am gong to have this mental image of Angels pooping truffles or a cute tiny bird. It's like someone just pissed all over all my childhood dreams.

I can see it now, me hanging around with my friends, just about to go to a show, when i pipe up with "Scott Ian likes Truffles". After i took my beating i would have to access my SG account to prove that i am not lying.

If it sounds like i am whining it's because i am, i'll man up and admit it. I paid $4 dollars dammit. $4 dollars!

TheFuckOffKid

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

FEB 14, 2008 12:49 PM

DevilsReject said:
No, but usually when you hire a writer to write about something, you hire them for their expertise in a subject


Whoever hired him is almost certainly not reading anything you say in this particular thread.

And, whoever hired him to write about food presumably had their reasons for doing so.

(I've disagreed with a number of decisions taken with regard to the Newswire in the past so I'm not dissing dissent. But, um, context and perspective and placement are kind of important. This thread ain't the place for this discussion.)

jason

jason

USA
August 2002

FEB 14, 2008 12:57 PM

DevilsReject said:
I can see it now, me hanging around with my friends, just about to go to a show, when i pipe up with "Scott Ian likes Truffles". After i took my beating i would have to access my SG account to prove that i am not lying.


make sure you wait until your friends turn 18 before showing them the site.

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

FEB 14, 2008 01:04 PM

TheFuckOffKid said:

DevilsReject said:
No, but usually when you hire a writer to write about something, you hire them for their expertise in a subject


Whoever hired him is almost certainly not reading anything you say in this particular thread.

And, whoever hired him to write about food presumably had their reasons for doing so.

(I've disagreed with a number of decisions taken with regard to the Newswire in the past so I'm not dissing dissent. But, um, context and perspective and placement are kind of important. This thread ain't the place for this discussion.)



You know what. You are correct, and i apologize for pissing and moaning in his thread about it.

LiquidSunset

LiquidSunset

Rancho Cucamonga, CA
August 2006

FEB 14, 2008 05:44 PM

So can you also dip said bird into barbecue sauces to enhance it's tastiness?

defaultx

defaultx

I'm lost
February 2006

FEB 14, 2008 08:31 PM

i would rather eat tweety than head cheese.

ooo aaa

Cigarette

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH
April 2004

FEB 14, 2008 08:59 PM

DevilsRejects earlier point made me think of this:

Reading articles about exotic, foreign, expensive foods to me is like looking through the fashion section of Rolling Stone: stuff I can't afford, don't want, and whose place i can't fathom on a $4 a month web site.

Can we have Amy Sedaris doing reviews of high end Italian sports cars next?

Cigarette

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH
April 2004

FEB 14, 2008 09:01 PM

TheFuckOffKid said:

DevilsReject said:
No, but usually when you hire a writer to write about something, you hire them for their expertise in a subject


Whoever hired him is almost certainly not reading anything you say in this particular thread.

And, whoever hired him to write about food presumably had their reasons for doing so.

(I've disagreed with a number of decisions taken with regard to the Newswire in the past so I'm not dissing dissent. But, um, context and perspective and placement are kind of important. This thread ain't the place for this discussion.)



To be fair, the News group doesn't seem like a very effective place to discuss it either. wink

BlastProcessing

BlastProcessing

USA
OLD SKOOL

FEB 14, 2008 09:34 PM

Cigarette said:
DevilsRejects earlier point made me think of this:

Reading articles about exotic, foreign, expensive foods to me is like looking through the fashion section of Rolling Stone: stuff I can't afford, don't want, and whose place i can't fathom on a $4 a month web site.

Can we have Amy Sedaris doing reviews of high end Italian sports cars next?



That would be entertaining. I would enjoy reading that.

TheFuckOffKid

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

FEB 14, 2008 10:09 PM

Cigarette said:

TheFuckOffKid said:

DevilsReject said:
No, but usually when you hire a writer to write about something, you hire them for their expertise in a subject


Whoever hired him is almost certainly not reading anything you say in this particular thread.

And, whoever hired him to write about food presumably had their reasons for doing so.

(I've disagreed with a number of decisions taken with regard to the Newswire in the past so I'm not dissing dissent. But, um, context and perspective and placement are kind of important. This thread ain't the place for this discussion.)



To be fair, the News group doesn't seem like a very effective place to discuss it either. wink



No, but it's a better place to pursue such a fruitless endeavour than this place is. tongue

scott_ian

scott_ian

NEWSWIRE

USA

FEB 15, 2008 05:02 PM

Where do you think I get all that energy on stage? Del Taco? Applebee's? Denny's?
I wouldn't be on stage, I'd be pissing out my ass in the dressing room. It's all that quality chow that makes me the maniac I am. I am as hardcore into food, wine, horror, poker, writing, snowboarding etc etc as I am into metal. It all counts.
I will start writing about less fancy-pants stuff as well. You absolutely don't need to spend $$$$ to eat well. I hear about bands touring in Europe or Japan and they will only eat McDonalds because they don't know what to eat. You can walk into any corner bar in Italy and have a sandwich that will blow your mind for less than McDonalds. Same in France. Don't even get me started on the Sushi in Japan. The tiniest local dives are insane and dirt cheap.
I do talk a lot of metal in plenty of other places, check out nonelouder.com. I talk about Lost there as well but it's going to be mostly metal/music related.

BlastProcessing

BlastProcessing

USA
OLD SKOOL

FEB 15, 2008 05:14 PM

scott_ian said:
Where do you think I get all that energy on stage? Del Taco? Applebee's? Denny's?
I wouldn't be on stage, I'd be pissing out my ass in the dressing room. It's all that quality chow that makes me the maniac I am. I am as hardcore into food, wine, horror, poker, writing, snowboarding etc etc as I am into metal. It all counts.
I will start writing about less fancy-pants stuff as well. You absolutely don't need to spend $$$$ to eat well. I hear about bands touring in Europe or Japan and they will only eat McDonalds because they don't know what to eat. You can walk into any corner bar in Italy and have a sandwich that will blow your mind for less than McDonalds. Same in France. Don't even get me started on the Sushi in Japan. The tiniest local dives are insane and dirt cheap.
I do talk a lot of metal in plenty of other places, check out nonelouder.com. I talk about Lost there as well but it's going to be mostly metal/music related.



You could have written three verses of my Hamburger Song in the time it took to write this post. Get to work.

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