News > Culture > Scott Ian's Food Coma: Black Metal Cuisine

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WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 13 2008 6:00 AM

Scott Ian's Food Coma: Black Metal Cuisine

Submitted by scott_ian

Edited by erin_broadley

This column is two days late. I never miss a deadline so its a big deal for me. I was all set to go with a column about Hamburgers and I was half way through it and on my way to finishing a glorious tale of Americas favorite sandwich when I got side-tracked by my day job (writing Metal songs is harder than you think). It totally blew my vibe and the burger story got shit-canned.

Im sure I will write about burgers in the near future as they are near and dear to my belly, but for now were going underground into the dark depraved world of illegal French cuisine. Some, dare I say, Black Metal cuisine. Evil shit. Right up my alley.

Have you ever heard of an Ortolan? I hadnt until I read a story about how on his death-bed Francois Mitterrand (used to be President of France) requested this dish as part of a last meal with friends and family shortly before he died. My curiosity piqued, I started to ask around (Google didnt exist yet). Turns out the Ortolan are tiny little birds eaten whole and its been illegal since 1999. If the French outlaw a food, somethings up. Check out this description from The Global Gourmet Connoisseurs Series and then we will discuss:

The eating of the Ortolan has ethical eating groups baying for blood. First, it is caught with a net in the forest. Taken alive, its eyes are poked out and the bird is put in a small cage. It's then force-fed oats, millet and figs until it has swollen to four times its normal size. Then the bird is drowned alive in fine cognac. Then, it's roasted whole, in an oven at high heat, for six to eight minutes. Once it reaches the table, a napkin is placed over the eater's head. The technique of eating the Ortolan is to put the whole bird into the mouth, with only the beak protruding. Here sadism mingles with masochism. The first taste as you crunch on the bird is the brandied flesh and fat. Then, the bitterness of the guts follow and finally, as the tiny, delicate bones are being chewed on, they will lacerate the diner's gums, with the salty taste of the bleeding gums mingling with the richness of the fat and the bitterness of the organs. Chewing the Ortolan takes approximately 15 minutes.

OK my Peta friends, put the knives down. A mans gotta eat and hes gonna eat meat. Wow, that was so Ted Nugent of me. Now I have nothing against my vegetarian/vegan brothers and sisters. I believe in to each his own. I would never tell someone what to put in his or her mouth. So please, dont hate me; hate the cute little birds for being so damn tasty.
Now I havent had the experience of eating an Ortolan.

Yet.

Ive read endlessly about the ritual. The drowning of the birds in Cognac or Armagnac is so you can taste the birds last breath. There are stories about Popes that would cover their heads not to keep the aroma in, but to hide their shame from God. Stories about secret societies dressed in black robes holding Romanesque orgies of food and flesh. Creepy? Fascinating? Stomach turning? Could I possibly pop one of these little fellas in my mouth like a Peeps Easter treat?

Ive been on a quest for the last few years as my connections in the world of rock-star chefs have grown ten fold. If anyone could procure these feathered treats and get them into the country it would be one of them. Ive even started a secret society called RES (the only way to know what it stands for is to be a member and the only way to be a member is to be asked) with a group of like-minded individuals ready to don the robes, crank some Darkthrone and eat like the sinners of oldy times.

And when I do, you'll hear about it here first.

Damn Im hungry.

Cheers,
Scott

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Comments

Satya

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

FEB 13, 2008 05:31 PM

Mmmmm the taste of fear, the flavor of a last breath...

A wonderful use of our infinite human creativity.

Even better than the live-monkey brain-eating ritual.

NatasKaput

Bozeman, MT

December 2002

FEB 13, 2008 06:09 PM

from the people who brought you frog legs and snails for dinner comes this

*golf clap*

if i ever wind up in France again, i am only eating Mc Donalds with a towel over my face

Ferretbite

Mexico

September 2006

FEB 13, 2008 06:13 PM

Frog legs and snails are actually pretty fucking tasty...

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH

February 2007

FEB 13, 2008 06:18 PM

Ferretbite said:
Also, I thought it was obvious that this was one of those things you have to read with a certain sense of humour so as to not be absolutely horrified by it. Not saying that animal cruelty is a joke but try to think of it as just a way to present this information...

I understand that. Here's where my argument comes in. We have a Music section that is dieing, we never get very few articles written to it about anything.

Scott Ian has the ability to answer questions like "What does illegal pirating mean to you as an artist?", "What is the future of Metal?", "What the hell happened to the final S.O.D. album?" or "How did you make it where you are?". He could do articles on the RIAA, concert organizing, or hell even "The history of Scott Ian", something at least a tiny bit interesting.

Rather than putting a little effort into an Article, i am supposed to "oooh" and "aaaah" while reading about something he is going to shit out in 24 hours. I equate it to seeing Paris Hilton's crotch, seeing it the first time was like "wow", now that i have seen it 8 billion times, i am not that impressed.

We have Scott Ian, who has the equivalent to a Ph.D in speed/thrash/punk metal, was guitarist for the epic band Anthrax, who i have seen live, and was thrilled to get the chance to interact with and i am reading about what he wants to eat.

Fanfuckingtastic.

I want my pony dammit.

konsume

Portland, OR

OLD SKOOL

FEB 13, 2008 06:19 PM

You know what? I'm totally over Scott Ian now. "Savage Animal" started the process and this article drove the last nail into the coffin. From now on I guess I'll just pretend that the guy who was in S.O.D. and wrote Who Cares Wins is a completely separate person from the fellow who now plays in Pearl and writes articles about how metal it is to eat tortured animals. Over it. Done.

Cash

USA

OLD SKOOL

FEB 13, 2008 06:33 PM

Far be it from me to judge someone over their dietary choices...but...ick.

Human flesh is illegal & taboo....any plans to eat that?

Ferretbite

Mexico

September 2006

FEB 13, 2008 06:38 PM

I understand you, DevilsReject, but this is what he wanted to write about, and I think his columns haven't been all that bad, I mean the piece about truffles was sweet.

Not trying to advocate for Scott or anything but I actually like it that he's talking about something that isn't music related, and there's probably enough articles, interviews and all sorts of things to address that which you say you would like to read from him. Try the Talking Metal Podcast, he has been on it several times tackling these issues, and not just him, other artists as well...

And finally, I feel the effort you talk about has been made, at least this time because this was something that more than a couple of people hadn't even heard of, and some have already voiced an opinion on the matter. The way I see it, if this site's going to have a big name publish stuff in it, they might as well allow him to do something that can't be found in every single other place he's in.

visualinhalant

USA

September 2006

FEB 13, 2008 07:06 PM

wow so many negative comments. i think the writing made it sound delicious and id be willing to try it.

Lemonkid

Canada

May 2003

FEB 13, 2008 07:07 PM

I'll stick to illegal foie gras in Chicago, Casu Marzu in Italy, and absinthe almost everywhere else.

strndniowa

Grimes, IA

May 2007

FEB 13, 2008 08:13 PM

Just don't get why this would be appealing to eat- at all...treating something like that is just wrong- and I have an Iowa PETA shirt (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals)...
You started to lose me with the tangy guts- and just plain lost me on the laceration of the mouth by the tiny bones...the last meal thing starts to make sense here, though...if it lacerates your gums, what is your gut going to look like?
Why don't you try Fugu? At least in that one, the diner and the dined upon at least are on somewhat equal terms...and no one keeps anything alive with its eyes poked out, stuffing it while still alive...foie gras seems a bit over the line on the cruel side too...