Yes, the King. What'd you do when your spouse started sleeping around? (Shit, you knew about that, right?) Make a threatening phone call? Flatten a few car tires? Cry? Cry, wipe your tear-stained eyes, then claim you "weren't crying"? Yeah, have a seat, this guy's beaten you nine different ways.

Bloody cow's head. In the mail. (Do you spring for the insurance on something like that?) I think we agree; a gesture that cannot be ignored.

Two ways to go with a grand gesture, here. The more commonly reported on, as seen in romantic comedies option, intended to woo back your gone astray lover, dozen roses, skywriting, perhaps donning a suit of armor and getting onto a white horse, sort of a "What Would Hugh Grant Do?" scenario...

Then, there's option two. The one where you eliminate reconciliation as an option and concentrate on committing terrifying, possibly criminal acts, intended to scare the shit-balls out of the guy banging yer ex. I don't think I'm giving anything away by telling you that our guy opted for choice two.

I would love to have been a fly on the severed, bloody cowhead when this decision was made.

"Hmmm gotta do something... but what?? Get over it? Nah... can't do that... I'll mail some sort of decapitated animal head to him! But what? Mouse? Nah too understated... Lion? Well, that's a bit much, I mean I don't hate the guy... Horse is too Godfather... Rhino's too pricey..."

I don't know what your job is, dear reader, but I'd bet close to my entire fortune that that's not something you'll ever get to say at your job. In fact, I'm not sure anyone's ever uttered that phrase before now, period.

Picture the day he got that assignment, shuffling through, uh, lawyer papers stacked on his desk.

"Hmmm whattaya think we got today, DUI... murder... armed robbery, man mailed cow head to some dude... robbery... jaywal-"

You know he did the "takes off glasses, rubs eyes, double-take" thing here.

I picture the accused just shrugging with a shit-eating grin a mile wide. What else can you do, after you've been caught mailing a cow head to the guy sleeping with yer lady? I'm guessing you've got no choice but to just... sit there and smile the shit out of the place. It's what any one of us would do.

To puncture or not to puncture, the severed cow's head? Tough call. I'd advise you to stop thinking about it right now, though. Like the aforementioned "quote," it's unlikely this is something you'll come up against in your lifetime. Or your kid's lifetime.

I'm saying you could discover the fountain of youth tomorrow, live 'till the year 3037, and as the Sun is crashing into the Earth, in your last moments, right before you deactivate your holo-pants, you'll say to yourself, "Oh yeah, TCK was right, that never really came up..."

BUTCHER: You know, they sell decorative skulls online? And they're de-meated. Or you can get replicas...

KING OF JILTED LOVERS: Uh, I'm cool...

BUTCHER: (suspicious) I notice you're not wearing much silver or turquoise... No dreamcatcher keychain... You sure you're into southwestern stuff?

KOJL: I... left my fringe vest in the car!

BUTCHER: Well, why didn't you say so! Have a nice day!

Still not impressed? Think he's merely some dumbass with a flair for the gory?

That's right... and that's why he's the King of the Jilted Lovers.

To re-cap, homewrecker gets cow head, jilted guy with a dream gets his wife back.



TheCoolerKing does not recommend you take similar actions to regain your lost love. This story is to be used for comedic purposes only. Please consult your local laws before mailing any "dead animal body parts."