9 Things You Need To Stop Saying

And I don’t mean people, I mean you. This isn’t a list of worn-out catch phrases from mediocre films neither of us saw that your uncle can’t stop repeating. Nor is this a list of the even more obnoxious, often urban in origin, expressions that were at one point acceptable to use that are somehow still floating about in various backwater parts of the country. If you don’t know on your own not to say “off the hook/chain/whatever,” stop reading right now.

I’m talking about you, the guy who goes where I go, but chooses to do so with an ironic haircut and too-tight top. Yeah, I call shirts “tops,” sometimes. I’m talking about the girl with the giant ring, who probably likes most of the same currently screening movies I do, who says stuff that makes me want to throttle her.

Here’s the best part, even though there’s a chance I’m wrong about a few of these, it doesn’t matter. Once some idiot creates a list like this, right or wrong, the things on it are shuffled off, on their merry way towards obscurity, and possible use by the occasional unfunny office worker.

1) I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Just reading that line exhausts me. It’s taking all my will not to totter head first into -- and then over -- my monitor, landing post somersault on the dusty spot of floor in front of my desk. This gem first appeared in a film, (and people loved it!) and then trickled down to several TV shows where it was repeated with much glee. Eventually it ended up in the hands of the online masses who wasted no time passing it off as their own observation/experience, almost always in response to someone superior to them.

Thankfully, I’ve yet to hear people on the street use it. I’m guessing because of the difficulty involved in deciding whether to pass it off as a funny aside or to actually go through with the mini-play required to convince the people you’re with that you have actually just vomited, all while conveying a “don’t be alarmed, it was just because of that thing you said… please consider me funny,” vibe.

2) Interwebs, Intertubes, Internets, etc.

Yes, some dinosaur a year back mentioned that he thought the Internet was a series of tubes. Then Bush made reference to the “Internets.” It was legit funny. Then, using Earth-time, MONTHS passed. That’s being generous. At that point it stopped being funny.

I’m not an expert on comedy (I am, actually) but it occurs to me that one of the things that potentially gets in the way of comedy happening is your audience having already heard the joke. They have. Please put away the part where you excitedly giggle “on the Interwebs,” and look expectantly at the person unlucky enough to be in a car with you.

3) That’s how I roll.

No, that’s how someone much cooler than you rolled, five years ago. You heard the phrase, then sat on it for a week or so before debuting it in the presence of someone non-threatening… and it worked! Then you used the shit out of it… and the wear and tear is starting to show. It’s had remarkable legs but all mediocre things must come to an end. Please, if you love it… set it free. It won’t ever come back to you, because, as I just stated, NO ONE SHOULD BE SAYING IT.

4) …Wait for it…

Or, if you prefer, BLANK, followed by “wait for it…” followed by BLANK.

"So I saw her the other night... wait for it... she did it again!"

This is by far the worst offender on the list. Was never funny. Stop doing this. I think it’s the confidence with which you throw out the “… wait for it…” before following up with something not even remotely worthy of the set-up. As if you’re positive it’s going to bring results.

Like flicking a trusty lighter, “Oh, I just do this and then sit back and wait for the magic!” Nothing has shaken my belief in the goodness of mankind as much as the popularity of this abominable device. Not even puppy murder.

5) Saying something is like something… on crack.

Or, like something… on acid. You either see why that’s lazy and so not worth ever saying, or you don’t. In the case of the latter, you’re gonna have to just trust me. Or kill yourself. But using this line again is not one of the options.

The only exception is, if a second after hearing the line, I turn my head to witness an ACTUAL CRACK ADDICT. He can say it (once or twice). You can’t.

6) Well, I’ll never get that two hours of my life back.

Or, I’ll never get that eleven dollars back. Or, so-and so- actor owes me eleven bucks.

Usually uttered by someone taken completely off-guard by the fact that the latest Michael Bay film was, shockingly, not up to par.

I think it’s the passing this phrase off as something you just thought of, that irks me the most. We both know that’s not the case. We’ve heard this line before. Possibly, together. Possibly at the very same theater.

7) Worst. Blank. Ever.

Look down. Are you bulbous and yellow-y (one sec, fellow fat Asians, not finished yet), and animated? Sitting behind a cartoon comic-shop counter? Then keep talking. Otherwise, let the Simpsons use their joke, and you come up with something of your own.

8) Unnecessarily sexualizing anything

Ex: Saying something “gives good BLANK.” Get it, like head! Hah, being an adult is fun! Saying something “was some hot, BLANK action.” Hot nerd action, hot NFL action, etc.

Sex is fun. Making actual jokes about sex can be enjoyable. However, merely referencing something sexual or putting something in a sexual context for no reason is lame and embarrassing. Disagree with me? I’ll put it this way, ever stay at The Standard Hotel in Los Angeles? I have and it’s delightful. Except for the part where your plastic key card reads “Slip it in.” Yeah, fuck you, The Standard.

9) Altering any word or phrase with “Mc”

Sloppy McFatso, Oldy McOlderman, Yelly McYelly… Stop doing it. Not McFucking funny. At McAll.*

*Even my use of it here bothers me to a degree I can’t even convey. I am wrong to use it. And so are you.


TheCoolerKing wishes you a Happy New Year, but will rarely say so in conversation. He'll usually wait for you to say it, then reply with "you too."