NOTE: First of all, I want to say that I absolutely hope the gentleman discussed below makes a 100 percent recovery. Secondly, I've calculated the odds of him or someone he knows reading this piece at the ultra-scientific "highly fucking unlikely." Thirdles, let's say his neighbor does read it and mentions it to him as he's being gurnied into his house, honestly, is he gonna care?

Neighbor: "Hey some guy on the internet just --

Man: "You know my leg came of my body, right?" Slam!

He doesn't slam the door; he actually just says, "Slam!" Remember, 'cause he's on a gurney? Let's move on...

Okay, I'm gonna go back and look at the beginning of that statement.

That really is the WORST kind of holy man to be, isn't it? Self-proclaimed. Ideally, you'd be the kind that other people proclaim as holy. Start small, a grass roots-type thing, a few people whispering, "Hey, he touched me and medicine came out!" A few more rally to your side, suddenly, you've got a full blown following.

It's not a real great sign when only one person believes in your holy man status, and, oh yeah, that person is you. Those two things happening means there's a pretty good chance you're a lunatic.

I guess that's the risk you run when you talk publicly about a body part's special abilities. It's why in 31 years I've never revealed the curative powers granted by swallowing my penis. It's just too dangerous!

Also, am I the only one picturing the doctors rubbing the leg all over another man's body? "Work damn it! Leg, do your stuff!"

His claims just go against basic rules of ownership. I mean, when you get a giant bag of money with a dollar sign on it, or a ruby-covered watch, do you draw back the curtains on your front window and put it up on display? No, you put it in a safe, out-of-sight place. THIS GOES DOUBLE WHEN THE VALUABLE IS A BODY PART. Triple, when it's your body part, and it's still connected to you.

What the fuck's with these idiots? "As thanks for previously helping them with his magical touch." What, having them take a "magic aspirin" he'd had balanced on his knee? They don't ask for a real test before they get to limb-stealing? "Wish my tennis elbow away this instant!" How hard would that have been? Then they could've just moved on to a real target (a man with a golden sternum!) with the man intact.

Something tells me they've got a secret lair filled with stolen lucky rabbit's feet, horseshoes, boxes of Lucky Charms and five grand in Monopoly money. And, if we have any luck at all, a bound and gagged David Copperfield.



TheCoolerKing really does hope the holy man pulls through... and then announces his discovery of a far easier to replace, magic rock or stick.