Kid Cooler Than You Calls the White House
When Vífill Atlason, a 16-year-old high school student from Iceland, decided to call the White House, he could not imagine the kind of publicity it would bring.
Introducing himself as Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson, the actual president of Iceland, Atlason found President George W. Bush's allegedly secret telephone number and phoned, requesting a private meeting with him.
"I just wanted to talk to him, have a chat, invite him to Iceland and see what he'd say," Vífill told ABC News.
This sounds like a movie Mathew Broderick would've starred in back in the '80s. Or, at the very least, starring one of the many Broderick-lites of that era, possibly Jon Cryer. The trailer would've feature no less than two wailing guitar chords, three high-fives and one stodgy, uptight guy doing a double-take.
A White House official, who asked not to be identified, denied the young man had accessed a private number but instead dialled 202-456-1414, the main switchboard for the West Wing.
Vífill's mother, Harpa Hreinsdottir, a teacher at the local high school, said her son did, in fact, get through to a private phone. "This was not a switchboard number of any kind," she told ABC News, "it was a secret number at the highest security level."
(NOTE: Just so that you have absolutely no reservations about enjoying my string of half-assed jokes, know that this is totally verifed later in the story.)
I know voice-wise, age 16 doesn't sound like 10, but it also doesn't sound too much like fucking 64, the actual age of Grímsson. How did he pull this off? Did he use the tried and true sitcom trick of putting your hand or a small towel over your mouth? (Or is that the one for pretending to be sick?)
Did he just mimic a deep, grown-up voice? I mean, no one actually sounds like that, right? The best I can think of is he used one of those "robotic" voice changer things kidnappers in movies use. Or maybe he pretended to have a sore throat and only spoke in whispers?
That's a tough hole to crawl out of, two seconds into a conversation. "It's me, the president! Also, um, er, don't be alarmed, but I'm very sick. Also, if a middle-aged woman picks up the line and asks if I've brushed my teeth yet, it's just my vice-prez messing around... Soooo, what up, yo?"
Vífill claims he was passed on to several people, each of them quizzing him on President Grímsson's date of birth, where he grew up, who his parents were and the date he entered office.
"It was like passing through checkpoints," he said. "But I had Wikipedia and a few other sites open, so it was not so difficult really."
Apparently, in the White House, National Security just means that crappy Martin Lawrence movie
Look, I'm not saying we should over think this thing but, maybe we could work out some sort of a code or password here, just in case? You know, on the off-chance other people know about this "Wikipedia."
I mean, even Blockbuster makes me give them my phone number when I forget my card...
Or, maybe you spring for the Caller ID. Is that so unreasonable? Getting that thing that my 13-year-old cousin refuses to make a move without. Again, I know this isn't exactly as high profile a place as my local video store but it's probably worth the extra 11 cents a month.
When he finally got through to President Bush's secretary, Vífill alleges he was told to expect a call back from Bush.
"She told me the president was not available at the time, but that she would mark it in his schedule to call me back on Monday evening," he said.
I know jokes about Bush's intelligence are beyond lame at this point but if the kid got this far he very well could've ended the world. If no one prior to Bush was able to suss out the kid's true identity do we really think Bush stood a chance.
Honestly, what wouldn't be a realistic example of what the kid could've talked Bush into? Is there a single scenario that seems far fetched? From building a fort behind the Lincoln Memorial to melting down Fort Knox's gold to make "super-secret" badges for the awesome new club they formed, anything was possible.
Instead, the police showed up at his home in Akranes, a fishing town about 48 kilometers from Reykjavik, and took him to the local police station, where they questioned the 16-year-old for several hours.
"The police chief said they were under orders from U.S. officials to "find the leak" -- that I had to tell them where I had found the number," he said. "Otherwise, I would be banned from ever entering the United States."
Vífill claims he cannot remember where he got the number.
"I just know I have had it for a few years," he told ABC. "I must have gotten it from a friend when I was about 11 or 12."
"A friend" a.k.a the world's worst recess trade-maker.
"Trade you this top-secret White House phone number for yer math homework and that slinky?" "Done!"
Atlason's mother Harpa, who was not home at the time, said she was shocked to find her son had been taken away by the police but could not quite bring herself to be angry with her son.
"He's very resourceful you know," she said. "He has become a bit of a hero in Iceland. Bush is very unpopular here."
"Here" = Earth
When ABC verified the number, it was the Secret Service Uniform Division, which handles security for the president.
Holy shit...
Yes, a division so "secret," so elite... that they've yet to verify if Iceland's a country with an adult president.
"If the number were not top secret, why would the police have told me that I will be put on a no-fly list to America?" Vífill asked.
"I don't see how calling the White House is a crime," he added. "But obviously, they took it very seriously."
Calls to the Secret Service press office were not returned.
Have the kid call again, he didn't seem to have much trouble getting through.
TheCoolerKing is steeling himself for the inevitable letdown that is December 26th.
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