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  • SATURDAY NOVEMBER 17 2007 12:00 PM

Scott Ian's Food Coma: Fuck Olive Garden

Submitted by scott_ian

Edited by erin_broadley

Traveling the world as I do (wandering Jew) I get to sample all kinds of cuisine. I’m no Anthony Bourdain (love him) or Andrew Zimmern (not so much) but I won’t shy away from the unknown. Local customs and regional cuisine are what I seek out when I’m out in the territories.

I avoid the American or any chain restaurants (with the exception of In-N-Out here in the West) at all costs. Nothing confuses and irks me more than people eating at Johnny Rockets in Japan or the fucking Olive Garden anywhere.

It irks me.

There’s a giant Olive Garden in NYC on 6th Ave right in midtown. NYC has 8,000 good Italian restaurants. Shit, Mario Batali and Joe Bastianich have nine absolutely stunning restaurants (there’s going to be a whole column about these geniuses very soon.) Why wouldn’t you take five minutes and find a place that you’ll remember forever? A great meal can be like great sex. Do you hate great sex?

There are infinity pizza places and even the worst are better than OG. Do I need to keep hammering this point? The horse is dead and the stick is broke. There’s no reason to eat at a chain. I hear stories about American bands touring Europe and only eating McDonald’s. That’s it. Maybe KFC. That is so fucking retarded. I have utter contempt for that. It makes your band suck even more.

I heard a story about Gene Simmons of Kiss (does anyone not know that?) from a few years ago that relates (kinda not really, it’s just a good story and I love Gene) to this. He was out on tour and was out on a night off with a recent Miss America. One of the techs that work for the band saw him go back to his room with her. A few nights later the same tech sees Gene getting in the hotel elevator with what was not Miss America. She wasn’t even Miss Hemet. The next day the tech sees Gene at the gig and asks him why he was with fatty last night when he was with Miss America the other night. Gene’s reply: “You can’t eat filet mignon every night, sometimes you have to eat McDonald’s.”

Maybe with women Gene, but not with food.

Good food is easy to find.

How, you ask, ‘o wise gourmand?

Ask a local.

The concierge at your hotel may be good for a fancy-pants recommendation but more often than not, it’s gonna be over-priced mediocrity. Ask the bellman. Ask the chef in the crap hotel restaurant (he may serve corporate vittles but I bet he doesn’t eat them.) Ask a cop. I’ve actually found some great out of the way (bad neighborhood) places from cops. And ask a taxi driver. You can bet your ass that a cabbie is going to know THE BEST local cuisine for the right price. I’ve had five star meals from Guadalajara to Moscow to Perth recommended by cabbies all for under twenty bucks and yes, I have a list. Stay tuned.

Cheers,

Scott

P.S. Non-food related bit: The new Every Time I Die record, The Big Dirty, is killer. It’s like Refuse meets Black Sabbath. SICK.



Editor's Note: Scott Ian plays guitar for revolutionary metal band Anthrax and also for Pearl, on tour now in the UK. SuicideGirls is proud to welcome him as a columnist. Now throw up them horns…

Artwork credit: Shepard Fairey

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Comments
zoomusikgrl

zoomusikgrl

HOPEFUL

New York, NY

NOV 17, 2007 01:25 PM

i stopped in a mcdonalds when i was in london just to see what things they have on the menu there that we don't carry, but i didn't eat there. i'd much rather the 2 pound samosas they sell in the tube stations for a quick fix. smile

i think most people go to chain restaurants because it's cheap, easy and consistent. you can walk into an olive garden in any state and be able to find yr favorite dish and know that you will get a shitton of food for a "reasonable" price. no thought process required, no risks involved. of course, this is just another sad example of the continual homogenization of american (world) culture. thank you, globalization! although i think it'll be infinitely more difficult for mom and pop restaurants to get swallowed up by chain restaurants the same way that a local hardware store will get pushed out of business by home depot.

Tinyhobo

Tinyhobo

Boulder City, NV
December 2006

NOV 17, 2007 01:31 PM

Wren said:


A great meal can be like great sex. Do you hate great sex?



This is possibly one of the best food arguments I have ever read.



It really is.

PRockGirlScout

PRockGirlScout

Portland, OR
October 2005

NOV 17, 2007 02:06 PM

zoomusikgrl said:

i think most people go to chain restaurants because it's cheap, easy and consistent. you can walk into an olive garden in any state and be able to find yr favorite dish and know that you will get a shitton of food for a "reasonable" price. no thought process required, no risks involved. of course, this is just another sad example of the continual homogenization of american (world) culture. thank you, globalization! although i think it'll be infinitely more difficult for mom and pop restaurants to get swallowed up by chain restaurants the same way that a local hardware store will get pushed out of business by home depot.



You are quite the little smarty pants.
love

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

NOV 17, 2007 02:26 PM

Where else can you get unlimited Wonder Bread and a bottomless bowl of Iceberg Lettuce?

contrast

contrast

Minneapolis, MN
January 2004

NOV 17, 2007 02:30 PM

to be fair with the sex analogy, sometimes cheap dirty sex IS great sex.

but yeah, the sad fact is that most people hate taking risks, especially with food.

most of the (small town) people i grew up with would always prefer olive garden or even applebees to ANYTHING they hadnt heard of before. hell, even olive garden is on the exotic side.

the fact that a place is one of a kind is a negative in their eyes. like, if it was any good, why wasn't it a chain yet?

sickening.

DragonEyeMorison

DragonEyeMorison

Austin, TX
May 2006

NOV 17, 2007 03:24 PM

Can't wait for the column on Mario Batali, the only word to truly describe him is "genius". My first tattoo features a quote from his Babbo cookbook.

Ciroc

Ciroc

Santa Barbara, CA
December 2003

NOV 17, 2007 03:36 PM

While I don't like to eat at McDonald's, they do offer a real health safety in some countries. Sanitiation practices are very high in America and American chain restaurants abroad.

gcash056

gcash056

Orlando, FL
October 2004

NOV 17, 2007 03:46 PM

> Good food is easy to find.

No, it is not! Here in Orlando we have maybe a couple of places that serve good food at a decent price with decent service. 75% of the sushi restaurants really suck. I know of two dozen such, and only 3 are decent and one is great. Sushi is one of my favorites.

The answer to "how do you find good food in Florida?" is "you don't."

> I hear stories about American bands touring Europe and only eating McDonald's

Yep, because they're tired of playing the crap shoot of finding decent local food, especially since it takes a lot of effort, and you're TIRED and you're HUNGRY and you really want something to eat. With a chain it's usually edible, as opposed to total pot luck somewhere else.

> You can bet your ass that a cabbie is going to know

BZZZT, wrong! but thank you for playing. The only unfamiliar person I'd trust about food recommendations is a cop.

I remember buying a seat for my motorcycle in Jacksonville, and I asked the guy about a good place for lunch. He told me about a Mexican restaurant at the opposite corner of the block. I went there and there's 5 ambulances, 2 fire trucks, and a couple dozen police cruisers. I'm thinking "damn! a cop must have been shot!" when I realized they're all there for lunch.

OMFG that was damn good eats. Of course.

Dovanna

Dovanna

Minneapolis, MN
March 2007

NOV 17, 2007 03:54 PM

My nickname for Olive Garden has always been "Microwave Garden".

bluevalentine

bluevalentine

San Antonio, TX
December 2003

NOV 17, 2007 03:57 PM

I made the same comment about the SAME olive garden when I was in NYC in May.

gutterman

gutterman

Austin, TX
August 2003

NOV 17, 2007 04:11 PM

pomfelo said:
I know a guy who drove up to take his daughter out for her birthday. It's her freshman year of college. She's in Austin. She can choose any restaurant in the city, and he'll take her there. She chooses Olive Garden! I actually find that offensive.

I know this makes me old, but...fucking kids today.



My girlfriend's parents came to visit. Every time we started talking about eating a meal, they would suggest Carrabbas. I kept thinking "this is AUSTIN. We don't eat at motherfucking Carrabbas."

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

NOV 17, 2007 04:53 PM

Awesome.

wink84

wink84

Fulton, MO
October 2007

NOV 17, 2007 05:23 PM

When I was a kid my family would take me to Olive Garden for special occasions (mainly because it's pricey). A few years back a group of friends and I went there with the munchies and one by one we all agreed that the food was horrible. Why on earth would anyone pay 11 bucks for fettucini alfredo when you can just make it in your kitchen for nothing? I ordered the chocolate lasagna and it was still frozen in the center! What the fuck. It is my experienc that the best places to eat are the little holes in the walls.

timirevolting

timirevolting

Astoria, NY
December 2004

NOV 17, 2007 06:13 PM

The Olive Garden? "When your here your familly" Would you really serve your familly this shit? I dig this column the most, hope Scott continues w/ his views on food. I love seeing rock n roll and the cullinary arts coming together. Very exciting!!!!!!

wink84

wink84

Fulton, MO
October 2007

NOV 17, 2007 06:26 PM

There was a "Mad TV" scetch paroding The Olive Garden once. Funny stuff.

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