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  • WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 14 2007 4:00 PM

For Fucks Sake, He was Alone in His Room and it Didn't Involve Kiddie Porn.

Submitted by Rahodeb

Edited by Rahodeb



A guy in Scotland has been sentenced to three years probation and placed on the Sex Offenders Register for three years, all because he tried to have sex with his bike. The way I see it, as long as it doesn't involve children and everyone participating is legitimately consenting, I don't give a shit what you do in the privacy of your bedroom (or kitchen, or bathroom, or dungeon). Now, granted, bicycles can't exactly consent, but, um--they're inanimate objects. Who cares if some drunk dude privately makes a move on his rig? We all get lonely.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Wow, that sounds uncomfortable in so many ways.

Is it just me, or should the cleaners have apologized quickly, closed the door, and left? I mean, who are they protecting, here? The bike? You know what the bike said, when asked about the experience? Nothing. Bikes don't talk. Also, they don't think, breath, or care if someone gets off on them.

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Well, you're a man of the world now, Sheriff. By the way, did you hear about the dude in India who married a dog? That's totally acceptable behavior.

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Comments
xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

NOV 15, 2007 04:26 PM

Wait...was it his bike? Because I think if someone molested MY bike I'd be pretty ticked off. I mean, it was a Hostel so he could have been doing the deed with someone else's Huffy.

Sounds like something easily appealed...

rods

rods

Beverly Hills, CA
April 2005

NOV 15, 2007 06:52 PM

Should we jail people who use VIBRATORS and other INANIMATE OBJECTS?

We should also call the police if we find people molesting phallic shaped fruits and vegetables.

Dark_Cabal

Dark_Cabal

Arvada, CO
June 2006

NOV 15, 2007 07:01 PM

I heard this on the radio about a week and a half ago. I didn't think such "crimes" had that kind of punishment.

burtsmithers

burtsmithers

I'm lost
October 2006

NOV 16, 2007 12:16 AM

DevilsReject said:
i wonder what the babies would look like.




some sort of futuristic centaur thing?

_Sakura

_Sakura

United Kingdom
June 2005

NOV 16, 2007 03:16 AM

He's living in a hostel too. I'm sure having himself slapped on the sex offenders list is going to help him out if he wants to make a go of it and try and get himself a job any time soon.

Shell_Shock

Shell_Shock

Rockmart, GA
May 2007

NOV 16, 2007 07:44 AM

indigoxchild said:
He's living in a hostel too. I'm sure having himself slapped on the sex offenders list is going to help him out if he wants to make a go of it and try and get himself a job any time soon.



Who knows... though this incident may involve the, uh, "offender" being psychologically damaged, job hunting may not be so bad upon disclosing the circumstances.

Just think: if a boss is having a bad day, he may look forward to seeing 'Bob the Bike Fucker' come in to work because the knowledge that this is as unique a case of laughing at someone else's expense as I have ever seen, I do not think that this joke would ever get old.

~SIGH~ Poor guy.

Eruvande

Eruvande

Sweden
August 2004

NOV 16, 2007 06:15 PM

I am pretty sure he is getting the sentence due to the cleaning crew. Many countries are very tough on events like these because the cleaning people at hotels are very often subjected to sexual harassment in ways similar to this....minus the bike shocked

We are all saying poor him, but why did he not hear the crew knock on the door several times? I really shouldn't judge seeing as I don't know all the details but I doubt that the actual bike fucking was the problem.

Dr3w

Dr3w

Lawrence, KS
February 2003

NOV 16, 2007 09:30 PM

Ok I admit this is fucked up... but everyone saying no one could get hurt? C'mon what if he got his cock stuck in the gears? We're talking new level of pain here... it's all for his own protection don't you see? wink

joker_

joker_

Minneapolis, MN
October 2005

NOV 16, 2007 09:55 PM

Eruvande said:
We are all saying poor him, but why did he not hear the crew knock on the door several times?



He was busy, do you really think people pay attention to the door when getting it on with their bicycle?

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

NOV 16, 2007 11:42 PM

joker_ said:

Eruvande said:
We are all saying poor him, but why did he not hear the crew knock on the door several times?



He was busy, do you really think people pay attention to the door when getting it on with their bicycle?



you know how upset his bike would of been if he said "Hold on, i got to get the door"?

Kindle

Kindle

Houston, TX
March 2006

NOV 17, 2007 01:43 AM

Did the bike actually say no? How does one know it as not a consenting bicycle?

avidity

avidity

I'm lost
June 2006

NOV 17, 2007 11:31 AM

hmmmm i sexual accost my vibrator every night....i may be overdue for some probation, and violation of my human rights whatever

bluevalentine

bluevalentine

San Antonio, TX
December 2003

NOV 17, 2007 11:56 AM

bloopatone said:
come on folks, look at this opportunity...Suicide Bikes.com. Show me your schwinn!



Thank god for the spoke shots from behind?

dufsmash13

dufsmash13

USA
August 2007

NOV 18, 2007 04:04 AM

my Schwinn does'nt have fenders.

yoGwhaddup

yoGwhaddup

Chicago, IL
January 2006

NOV 18, 2007 07:47 AM

Hmmm. I have to look closer at my die hard biking friends who never go the bars anymore and are not married. I had no Idea.
I wouldn't judge my buddies. I just wouldn't do a three way with him.

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