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  • WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 14 2007 4:00 PM

For Fucks Sake, He was Alone in His Room and it Didn't Involve Kiddie Porn.

Submitted by Rahodeb

Edited by Rahodeb



A guy in Scotland has been sentenced to three years probation and placed on the Sex Offenders Register for three years, all because he tried to have sex with his bike. The way I see it, as long as it doesn't involve children and everyone participating is legitimately consenting, I don't give a shit what you do in the privacy of your bedroom (or kitchen, or bathroom, or dungeon). Now, granted, bicycles can't exactly consent, but, um--they're inanimate objects. Who cares if some drunk dude privately makes a move on his rig? We all get lonely.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Wow, that sounds uncomfortable in so many ways.

Is it just me, or should the cleaners have apologized quickly, closed the door, and left? I mean, who are they protecting, here? The bike? You know what the bike said, when asked about the experience? Nothing. Bikes don't talk. Also, they don't think, breath, or care if someone gets off on them.

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Well, you're a man of the world now, Sheriff. By the way, did you hear about the dude in India who married a dog? That's totally acceptable behavior.

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Comments
spamtwo

spamtwo

United Kingdom
April 2006

NOV 15, 2007 02:21 AM

KUNGFOO said:
The bike was asking for it...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
zoom image



bike bondage

TequilaRayMax

TequilaRayMax

United Kingdom
August 2004

NOV 15, 2007 02:48 AM

I'm sure Europeans are more sexually open-minded, but British aren't really Europeans. I know technically we are, but really, we're not. British attitudes towards sex are frankly Victorian a lot of the time. I mean, how seriously are you taking life when you throw a guy in jail for something that hilarious? And besides, I'm sure this sort of thing has been going on for years. After all, wasn't it a Great Brit who penned these immortal lyrics:

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

ki1

ki1

Ireland
September 2007

NOV 15, 2007 03:13 AM

TequilaRayMax said:
I'm sure Europeans are more sexually open-minded, but British aren't really Europeans. I know technically we are, but really, we're not. British attitudes towards sex are frankly Victorian a lot of the time. I mean, how seriously are you taking life when you throw a guy in jail for something that hilarious? And besides, I'm sure this sort of thing has been going on for years. After all, wasn't it a Great Brit who penned these immortal lyrics:

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like



go freddie mercury. knew he was a kinky mo fo.

ohash

ohash

Columbus, OH
May 2007

NOV 15, 2007 04:10 AM

Wow. Who would have thought humping inamimate objects could get you into so much trouble. Better quit humping my pillow...I really don't have the time to spend 3 years in jail for it.

Jennifer_

Jennifer_

Venezuela
November 2006

NOV 15, 2007 04:58 AM


Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner


It sounds more like he's being charged for indecent exposure, rather than assaulting a bike. If you have sex with a bike in a crowded shopping centre, you might recieve similar charges. What makes the story ridiculous is that his hotel room is his private space; making the 'breach of the peace' accusation ridiculous.

Moderncutthroat

Moderncutthroat

Philadelphia, PA
May 2006

NOV 15, 2007 05:08 AM

yomamashe said:
Many if not most states in the US have sex offender laws that are broad enough to label someone caught urinating in public (i.e. not in a bathroom) a sex offender.



Technically if you take your dick out where people can see it, that's a sexual offense. I sure as hell don't want to see some drunk man with his dick in his hand on the side of the road. Now would I call the cops? No. I'd laugh and just walk on home.

Anyone ever notice that the people who think sex is indecent can't seem to stop focusing on things that are sexual. Me thinks that if you were so offended by it... you'd stop looking for it.


__Rosemary__

__Rosemary__

Rosenberg, TX
February 2007

NOV 15, 2007 07:28 AM

TheSpider said:
That said, nobody deserves THREE FUCKING YEARS in prison for an act that harms exactly nobody. That's just insane.


actualy, they said probation, not prison. But still... that is so stupid. Lableing him a sex offender?!
Metaverse made a good point... they should lock a lot of guys up now for fucking a blow-up doll. I mean, what difference does it make what the object is? It's ok to fuck some inanimate objects, but not others? What a load of horse shit. They just want to make fun of someone's kink and call him sick. That's awfull that they were allowed to use the legal system for their prejuduce actions!

__Rosemary__

__Rosemary__

Rosenberg, TX
February 2007

NOV 15, 2007 08:48 AM

moderncutthroat said:
Technically if you take your dick out where people can see it, that's a sexual offense. I sure as hell don't want to see some drunk man with his dick in his hand on the side of the road. Now would I call the cops? No. I'd laugh and just walk on home.


Man, he wasn't even in public. Which makes it much worse that he actualy got convicted and sentenced.

goodpoltergeist

goodpoltergeist

Douglasville, GA
January 2007

NOV 15, 2007 08:52 AM

the fuck? I mean...yeah that's a little questionable...but, to be placed on the sex offender registry? Fuck that.

fullmoonkisses

fullmoonkisses

United Kingdom
September 2006

NOV 15, 2007 09:02 AM

confused That is so fucked up, on so many levels... frown

fluffyPuff

fluffyPuff

Los Angeles, CA
November 2007

NOV 15, 2007 09:15 AM

come on folks, look at this opportunity...Suicide Bikes.com. Show me your schwinn!

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

NOV 15, 2007 09:45 AM

Being a little bike-curious shouldn't be a crime.

grrowler

grrowler

Sarasota, FL
October 2007

NOV 15, 2007 12:31 PM

lol who the hell tries to fuck a bicycle anyway? I'd understand alittle more if it was a rumbling custom-painted chopper....but...a bicycle? Lol he should have stated he was roleplaying. Then again, as far as I know, one can't fuck a bike, so he was just pretending. GG cops. I wonder what the charges are for messing around with ice cubes or apple pie..

Seizure

Seizure

SUICIDEGIRL

Nevada, USA

NOV 15, 2007 02:19 PM

Umm soo how was he doing it? but anyways that really sucks...

wtfcupcakes

wtfcupcakes

Lake Placid, NY
July 2007

NOV 15, 2007 02:41 PM

TequilaRayMax said:
I'm sure Europeans are more sexually open-minded, but British aren't really Europeans. I know technically we are, but really, we're not. British attitudes towards sex are frankly Victorian a lot of the time. I mean, how seriously are you taking life when you throw a guy in jail for something that hilarious? And besides, I'm sure this sort of thing has been going on for years. After all, wasn't it a Great Brit who penned these immortal lyrics:

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like



HAHA that somg has been in my head since i started reading the article ^_^

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