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  • WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 14 2007 4:00 PM

For Fucks Sake, He was Alone in His Room and it Didn't Involve Kiddie Porn.

Submitted by Rahodeb

Edited by Rahodeb



A guy in Scotland has been sentenced to three years probation and placed on the Sex Offenders Register for three years, all because he tried to have sex with his bike. The way I see it, as long as it doesn't involve children and everyone participating is legitimately consenting, I don't give a shit what you do in the privacy of your bedroom (or kitchen, or bathroom, or dungeon). Now, granted, bicycles can't exactly consent, but, um--they're inanimate objects. Who cares if some drunk dude privately makes a move on his rig? We all get lonely.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Wow, that sounds uncomfortable in so many ways.

Is it just me, or should the cleaners have apologized quickly, closed the door, and left? I mean, who are they protecting, here? The bike? You know what the bike said, when asked about the experience? Nothing. Bikes don't talk. Also, they don't think, breath, or care if someone gets off on them.

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Well, you're a man of the world now, Sheriff. By the way, did you hear about the dude in India who married a dog? That's totally acceptable behavior.

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Comments
_kungfoo_

_kungfoo_

Los Angeles, CA
April 2005

NOV 14, 2007 06:52 PM

The bike was asking for it...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
zoom image

enculturation

enculturation

Denver, CO
September 2007

NOV 14, 2007 06:56 PM

"The way I see it, as long as it doesn't involve children and everyone participating is legitimately consenting"

How does a bike express it's consent? It's entirely possible that the bike was looking for something platonic. Maybe the bike liked him but didn't LIKE LIKE him...

Huzzah

Huzzah

Guilford, CT
October 2006

NOV 14, 2007 07:59 PM

wink84 said:
Me thinks the bike had it comming? I mean what was it thinking wearing that low-cut shirt, showing the top of it's handlebars? It was just begging to be ridden on.



I know. That bike is such a skank. It tried to put the moves on me a few months back.

PaulNikon

PaulNikon

Melbourne, FL
February 2003

NOV 14, 2007 08:00 PM

I enjoy my freedom to do to bicycles what I choose.

Johnny_Flapjacks

Johnny_Flapjacks

Williamsport, PA
September 2006

NOV 14, 2007 08:05 PM

stinkyfj60 said:
I now dont trust my old Schwinn SuperSport.. That thing is a HUSSY!



There HAS to be a Huffy joke to be made here somewhere...

_faithless_

_faithless_

Los Angeles, CA
March 2005

NOV 14, 2007 08:31 PM

fuckin slutty bikes. makes me sick.

Zak

Zak

SUICIDEGIRL

Quebec, Canada

NOV 14, 2007 09:03 PM

my bike seat was my best friend as a kid..
haha.. eee.... blush

UrizenSpeaks

UrizenSpeaks

Los Angeles, CA
May 2004

NOV 14, 2007 09:10 PM

Fuck that, the bike was asking for it, all rigged up with new spoilers and tassles on the handlebars. What did it think was going to happen? Oh wait, it can't think? Or do anything? k nvm bai

Lemonkid

Lemonkid

Canada
May 2003

NOV 14, 2007 09:14 PM

Mommy.... where do wheelers come from?

dearambellina

dearambellina

Philadelphia, PA
October 2006

NOV 14, 2007 09:43 PM

Yes!! I loved that movie. But now I'll never look at the wheelers the same way...

Cigarette

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH
April 2004

NOV 14, 2007 09:45 PM

Lemonkid said:
Mommy.... where do wheelers come from?



God damnit, I hate you. Nightmares for a fucking week now.

YOU BEHAVE!

TakFuji

TakFuji

I'm lost
February 2006

NOV 14, 2007 11:45 PM

Mmmm...Bicycle Porn.

Here's a hot model off my underground website, a smooth cruiser, if you know what I mean...

zoom image

Cyclophilliacs, unite for equal rights! wink

Clidna

Clidna

Canada
January 2005

NOV 14, 2007 11:45 PM

I'm not sure whether to biggrin , eeek , or frown ... but I did feel kind of puke .

btan

btan

Santa Ana, CA
May 2007

NOV 15, 2007 12:33 AM

i guess he took that old phrase about the "town bicycle" literally

TheSpider

TheSpider

Chicago, IL
July 2006

NOV 15, 2007 12:56 AM

Three years?! I'm sorry, if you do something like this and get caught, you get made fun of. Those are just the rules of the game. Everyone has the right do to whatever they want in the privacy of thier own homes, and everybody's choices are beautiful, as long as they don't hurt anybody. But if you fuck a bike, you get made fun of. That's just human nature.

That said, nobody deserves THREE FUCKING YEARS in prison for an act that harms exactly nobody. That's just insane.

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