A guy in Scotland has been sentenced to three years probation and placed on the Sex Offenders Register for three years, all because he tried to have sex with his bike. The way I see it, as long as it doesn't involve children and everyone participating is legitimately consenting, I don't give a shit what you do in the privacy of your bedroom (or kitchen, or bathroom, or dungeon). Now, granted, bicycles can't exactly consent, but, um--they're inanimate objects. Who cares if some drunk dude privately makes a move on his rig? We all get lonely.
Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.
Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.
"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.
"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."
Wow, that sounds uncomfortable in so many ways.
Is it just me, or should the cleaners have apologized quickly, closed the door, and left? I mean, who are they protecting, here? The bike? You know what the bike said, when asked about the experience? Nothing. Bikes don't talk. Also, they don't think, breath, or care if someone gets off on them.
Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.
Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."
Well, you're a man of the world now, Sheriff. By the way, did you hear about the dude in India who married a dog? That's totally acceptable behavior.
196 Comments
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Azadeth
Fairport, NY
August 2006
NOV 14, 2007 04:09 PM
TheCoolerKing
NEWSWIRE
Los Angeles, CA
NOV 14, 2007 04:10 PM
perlpunk
Denver, CO
November 2003
NOV 14, 2007 04:11 PM
stinkyfj60
Alamosa, CO
February 2007
NOV 14, 2007 04:16 PM
Tangus
Chicago, IL
November 2005
NOV 14, 2007 04:18 PM
l0vetrain
Portland, OR
April 2007
NOV 14, 2007 04:22 PM
yomamashe
Milwaukee, WI
December 2004
NOV 14, 2007 04:26 PM
Novalee
HOPEFUL
USA
NOV 14, 2007 04:30 PM
Oxy
United Kingdom
September 2005
NOV 14, 2007 04:30 PM
Metaverse
Portland, OR
March 2005
NOV 14, 2007 04:42 PM
buzzsaw71
Chicago, IL
February 2005
NOV 14, 2007 04:51 PM
jermhawk
Tidioute, PA
December 2004
NOV 14, 2007 04:51 PM
Sick
Minneapolis, MN
June 2003
NOV 14, 2007 05:09 PM
Coyotemike
USA
May 2006
NOV 14, 2007 05:13 PM
Psmith
Portland, OR
OLD SKOOL
NOV 14, 2007 05:24 PM
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