There are certain new stories you just assume you'll never actually see outside of a jokey fake news headline. I'd give you some examples, but, honestly, I don't feel like going to the trouble. Feel free to come up with your own, though, it's lots of fun. Prior to today, "Agents Bust Blackmarket Shopping Cart Ring" would've been near the middle of that hypothetical list. It isn't a particularly funny example. Not outrageous or unbelievable, just... weird.

Shopping carts? Was this a test run for something larger? I know what you're thinking, "Something larger and more valuable than shopping carts? What could that possibly even be?" I know, I know, I had the same thought at first. Then I remembered that one commodity more valuable than a shopping cart... everything.

When I decided to think about it for more than five seconds (a new record!) I realized these carts are probably quite handy for transporting goods, valuables, and supplies to keep you alive in a burned out, post-apocalyptic wasteland. I'm sure they fetch a pretty penny in Trinidan and Tobago, someplace I'm assuming you'd need to haul stuff around a lot... But, isn't there a better way? Isn't there a way for an enterprising thief to, like, buy them wholesale super cheap, and still make a profit? Or steal something valuable (gold bars?) and use the money to purchase the carts? Or... anything?

I ask only out of concern for the noble art of thieving. What about your street rep? I'm sorry, but you're the saddest thief on the planet. Think about it, there are jewel thieves out there! Guys doing backflips down zip lines and cutting holes in glass thousands of feet above street level. Guys blasting 3-ton safes open with dynamite while wearing cool-looking ex-president masks. Guys meeting in secret for the first and last time, plotting before a large blackboard and saying things like, "You've gotta handle your end, we need those detonators!"

And here's you, grabbing a cart at a Home Depot parking lot, whistling nonchalantly as you wheel the cart towards the outer lot... then breaking into a nervous run, hauling ass for the open van door, slamming it and collapsing in a ball of sweat as you yell, "Drive!" Then repeat 29 times... Pathetic.

I don't wanna slam this organization, cause I don't know too much about them, but, man... Seriously? Don't you have better things to worry about? I actually can't think of a less pressing concern than rampant shopping cart theft. When this popped up on your screen or radar or whatever, wouldn't it have been a better use of your resources to look the other way? The time and energy to stop the ship, the man hours unloading and assessing and debriefing and the time spent discussing it and calling Home Depot... isn't it fair to say it adds up to more than three-grand?

Or, at the very least, this is the kinda thing you should be covering up. The fact that an idiot like me hears about this and gets to mouth off online about it, is a bad sign for the state of your organization... Wow, I guess I did want to slam them...

Huge, huge problem...

Seriously, shut the fuck up, Home Depot, nobody cares what you think and nobody needed your take on this story. I'll call you when I need a 4x8 of pine and a shitty brass lamp.

For the price of a million dollars! And, ahh yes, mustn't forget, you gotta process them...

This story actually concludes with an un-ironic explanation of the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency's responsibilities.

And shopping carts. I guess the order of priority would be: terrorists, then shopping carts, then terrorist weapons.

Special thanks to publicAnemone for sending me the story.


TheCoolerKing really likes that "Journeyman" show on NBC.