Bon Scott once said, “Hell ain’t a bad place to be.” I couldn’t agree more as my adopted city turns into a Rammstein video shoot. Los Angeles is burning, San Diego is burnt and it’s snowing Malibu ash. Serious shit for this town. Yes, what was an arsonist’s wet-dream of a week was the top story across the board, barely beating out Marie Osmond passing out because she’s crazy.

I’ve been in Los Angeles for 18 years now and I know I’ve developed a disaster callous because driving on a freeway next to a hillside in flames is just interesting enough to get me to stop typing on my iPhone (yes, I am THAT GUY or that gay. Either one works.)

I do love this city and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. I’m a New Yorker that would rather live in La La Land than back in the “old neighborhood.” Fuck the old neighborhood. Small-minded bitter assholes hanging out in dank, old-man bars, drinking from their mugs of sadness and failure as life passes them by. I’m not judging, maybe I’m stereotyping a bit, but I’ve been there. It smells bad.

I come from a New York that doesn’t exist any more so there’s not much for me to miss. I used to miss the restaurants … Ah, now he’s getting to the point of all this. Were you worried it was going to be like an episode of “John From Cincinnati” (like you watched that piece of crap) where nothing happens and nothing makes sense yet you still come back every week because it’s Milch and he did “Deadwood” and you hope something will crack and the only thing that ends up cracking is your head against the wall in frustration? That was me.

So the point is, I used to miss the food. Used to. New York used to lord over Los Angeles as a “culinary town” but not any more. Some people will disagree with me on this so I will fight them. Fight them with words. Really fancy words like “Sous-Vide,” and “Affinage,” and “Amuse Bouche,” and “Rape,” (the vegetable not the assault, look it up.)

Me being more akin to the lowbrow, I’ll spell it out this way; I just fucking love food and in the last five years Los Angeles has become a premier dining city and that’s what I’m guhna fuhkin’ write about if dats OK wit yous.



Editor's Note: Scott Ian plays guitar for revolutionary metal band Anthrax and also for Pearl, on tour now in the UK. SuicideGirls is proud to welcome him as a columnist. Now throw up them horns…

Artwork credit: Shepard Fairey