Are you a girl? Is it Halloween? Be a sexy 1900s steel conglomerate tycoon!

Or maybe a sexy anorexic? Sexy institutionalized mental patient? Sexy convict--in traditional stripes or modern orange?

Or, I know! A sexy lady bug! Perhaps a sexy bumble bee? A sexy gardener! (I swear I *made that one up*, Googled it, and voila.)

Sexy girl scout! Sexy tin man! (Think I'm joking? Click that link.)

My favorite, though, has to be the sexy clown. I can see where one might be tempted by that, if only because it's so fucking revolting that it might just kill the whole "sexy costume" thing dead.

There's nothing wrong with the odd sexy costume, mind. Elvira's been around forever, and everyone likes the vampires. The unitard-wearing cat costume is timeless. But look what's happened to the cat now. Subtlety, people!

Sure, I myself once went to a party as a vampire victim, which involved a white cotton gown, red lipliner bite mark, and a candleholder--'twas sexy, though I admit the primary impulse there was "I already own all these things." And it wasn't basically a lycra mini dress, with or without a foofy tutu of some sort attached.

But jeez louise, enough is enough. I realize I am going to sound like the most prudish mom ever with what I am about to say. Too bad. I keep getting these costume catalogs in the mail, and all the little girl costumes--every single one--has a short skirt on it and is some sexy girled-up version of something or other--fairy, pirate, princess, etc. Oh sure, the catalog copy calls them "cute" but we know that "cute" is often (as in this case) a euphemism for "sexy, on a little kid."

And the boys aren't a whole lot better off. All they get is the oh-so he man stuff. Cop, yawn; firefighter, yawn. Pirate, superhero, astronaut, yawn. Luke Skywalker, Buzz Lightyear, ninja. Yawn.

About the only costumes that aren't revoltingly gendered are the Harry Potter ones. But really, would it be so strange to have a girl dress as a (non-anorexic) skeleton? Or a boy as a clown? Are girls allowed to be Spiderman, or boys to be cheerleaders? Aren't monsters and magical creatures supposed to come in, you know, both sexes?

Bah. The point of the carnival should be to invert conventional expectations, not to dial them up to eleven.

Bitch_PhD is proud to report that her son wants to be a ghost this year. In the traditional sheet-with-eyeholes.