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  • WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 19 2007 8:00 PM

Damn, That Snake Should've Had a Warning Label

Submitted by TheCoolerKing

Edited by erin_broadley

Tags: snake bites, rattlesnakes, idiots, bad calls, beer, worst day ever



I realize that "stupid people" news items aren't the most challenging targets in the world. I've written up a few on here and, yes, it is a nice feeling, mocking the stupid, but after enough idiotic examples they all sort of blend together and seem not that funny...

Annnnd then someone puts a rattlesnake in their mouth.

Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.


Thanks buddy, you've made me a believer again... The slack-jawed and idiotic are fine subjects to write about.

And really, what girl isn't impressed by a man willing to put a filthy, poison-filled creature into their mouth-hole? Clearly this stunt went awry, but, in a perfect world, what was the outcome he was going for? What's the desired reaction after doing something like this? Instant sex? Awkward silence before a whispered request to "stop that"? What was supposed to happen here? The world may never know.

He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.


Look for the non-funny version of this scene, starring Dane Cook as the snake-bit, jerkoff trying to mumble his way through a quickly swelling mouth, next year at theatres everywhere... I would avoid those theatres.

You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."


Ahhh... Nothin like chasing some "stupid stuff," with a shot of rattlesnake venom! I call it the "fucktard" and you can find it at the bar outside the theatre I mentioned above.

Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand.

"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,'" Wilkinson said. "I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch.'"

So he stuck the snake in his mouth.

"It got a hold of my tongue," he said.


Wait, how are you so drunk that you forget you're holding a live snake... that is alive?

And you don't immediately notice it when you pick up something else with the same hand?

I picture him running errands, brushing his teeth, petting stray dogs all before finally noticing he's still holding onto a VENEMOUS killing tube.

I'll leave you with this, drunks. Keep in mind, there are many, many non-lethal animals you can insert into your mouth with zero risk other than a possible sternly worded letter from PETA. I say, do it.



TheCoolerKing realizes that Rahodeb briefly touched on this topic earlier, however, he was unwilling to waste the 30 seconds he'd already spent pondering the subject.

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ki1

ki1

Ireland
September 2007

SEP 20, 2007 02:04 AM

ha ha. lightweight americans. i'm sure i'm going to recieve the wrath of your whole continent when i say, americans are ALL lightweights when it comes to boozing. guys the whole going and getting drunk is to do it slowly, over a few hours. then shit like this doesn't happen. Plus i suppose we don't have ANY lethal reptiles/spiders/stingrays etc here, cos its too cold. we normally electrocute ourselves or use cars to kill ourselves.

zoophagous

zoophagous

USA
November 2006

SEP 20, 2007 03:59 AM

So I live in a state that was 'Rattlesnake free' even though we've always had them around our area......ALWAYS.....

After denying their existence forever the state decided that maybe they should actualy check into it, I guess the complaints from parents feeling that the snakes were unsafe around communities with children were finaly getting overwellming.
We wanted them to get rid of the snakes.....I don't care if they were native to the area 200 years ago, we have plenty that won't kill you.

They didn't get rid of them.....they protected them, deemed the area a 'rattlesnake sanctuary' , proclaimed it very excitedly as the states only 'complete rattlesnake colony' and then decided that they should count them.

What good is it if you don't name the fuckers?

While counting said snakes one of the conservation officers actualy got bit.
Naturally the guy that was with him decided it was imparitive that he catch the already pissed off snake.....before helping the bitten man.
This may surprise you.....I mean it's TOTALY UNEXPECTED.......The second guy got bit BY THE SAME SNAKE.
They both lived, unfortunatly, after being life flighted to a distant hospital in a different state. Our hospitals don't keep anti-venom....since we don't have these snakes we have whatever

This took place 2 years ago, 3 miles from where I grew up....I thought I'd share it with you biggrin

lilcupcake

lilcupcake

Kitchener, ON
June 2006

SEP 20, 2007 05:30 AM

publicAnemone said:
I bet earlier in the day he was running around the house tearing shit up, yelling "Where's my snake? Where'd I put my snake?" and then his girlfriend said, "it's in your hand silly!" and they both had a very good laugh about it.



Love it! lol

Lemonkid

Lemonkid

Canada
May 2003

SEP 20, 2007 06:31 AM

It's pretty much impossible to die from a rattle-snake bite these days.. although trying by being bitten in the tongue is an exciting new attempt.

Adelayde

Adelayde

Ellicott City, MD
September 2004

SEP 20, 2007 06:49 AM

excellent use of the word "fucktard." hehe.

this is ridiculous.

DhD_No_Pants

DhD_No_Pants

Katy, TX
May 2006

SEP 20, 2007 06:55 AM

He's no Billy Jack, that's for sure.

c4ff31n3

c4ff31n3

I'm lost
November 2004

SEP 20, 2007 07:36 AM

Points for use of fucktard. There are times when medicine should not step in and assist, this was one of them.

Drakyn

Drakyn

New Providence, NJ
September 2006

SEP 20, 2007 10:01 AM

Some friends and I Were drinking in a Bar in Tokyo and asked the bartender to make us the strangest drink he got. He took out a key, Unlocked a safe and made us a drink under the bar. It tasted like sake but there was something different about it. When we asked what it was, he took a big clear Sake bottle and slammed it down on the table, In the bottle of a Dead Rattlesnake. Shocked, we laughed and one of us said

"I guess that Explains the Bite"

The bartender was really confused for a second, then looked at the bottle, then at us. Smacked himself in the forehead and said

"I.... Forgot to take the Venom out. So Sorry"

My mouth was numb for the rest of the night, which didn't make it any easier to down 190 proof Polish Vodka

mingol

mingol

Singapore
July 2005

SEP 20, 2007 01:58 PM

Drakyn said:
Some friends and I Were drinking in a Bar in Tokyo and asked the bartender to make us the strangest drink he got. He took out a key, Unlocked a safe and made us a drink under the bar. It tasted like sake but there was something different about it. When we asked what it was, he took a big clear Sake bottle and slammed it down on the table, In the bottle of a Dead Rattlesnake.


A pub here used to have an enormous bottle of Thai wine with well over a hundred snake carcasses floating in it.

I regret having never drank from it.

Gerry_D

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA
May 2003

SEP 20, 2007 03:26 PM

fucking hilarious. now i feel better about my own cock-ups

Jazzmyn

Jazzmyn

Redford, MI
March 2006

SEP 20, 2007 09:13 PM

He should be a runner up in the Darwin Awards

queen_reality

queen_reality

I'm lost
March 2007

SEP 27, 2007 07:24 AM

Evermansice said:
...

I'm not sure I think doctors did the right thing when they saved his life. I think I'm going to need some convincing on that.



LOL Ditto

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