News > Culture > In Any Color, Rape is Rape

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MONDAY SEPTEMBER 17 2007 10:00 PM

Fabulous Ms. Morgan, whose birthday is this Friday BY THE WAY, AHEM, sent me this link to an "incredibly offensive" article in Cosmo that's got most of the feminist blogs justifiably angry. (More blogposts here.)

Pandagon's Amanda, I think, does the best job of explaining the problem.

I appreciate that Moe doesnt want to feel like a victim. It took me a week to admit Id been sexually assaulted after I was, and I was lucky to have friends at the time use words like molested and rape to put my head on straight.
....
It's this sense, this fear of admitting that being victimized says something about you that makes people embrace right wing rhetoric that blames the victims for playing the victim. Its an odd mental trick, this need to feel that a victim is only a victim if she labels herself as such, and then shes the one to blame if she does for grabbing that label and making everyone feel uncomfortable. I can attest that its not entirely unwise to live in denial of certain facts, because people react to victims, particularly victims of male dominance hate crimes like domestic violence or rape or even sexual harassment, as if they have a disease thats spreading. Domestic violence experts will point out that one way that the abusers isolate their victims is that people pick up that victim vibe from her and avoid her. Also, theres reason to believe that a lot of women who come out to mutual friends about it will have said friends side with him, either overtly or they will feel they have to help her, but the cooties effect kicks in and they find themselves distancing themselves from her.

But as she says: fuck them. It's part of the way dominance and power work: being weak is despicable and being victimized is shameful. After all, if you're going to believe that power accrues to those who deserve it, you have to buy into the corrolary--that getting fucked, literally or metaphorically, only happens to losers.

But look at the scenarios Cosmo puts forth as "gray rape".

After the dance, they went to Kevins room and, eventually, started making out. She told him flat out that she didnt want it to proceed to sex, and he said okay. But in a few minutes, he had pushed her down on the couch and positioned himself on top of her.

No. Stop, she said softly too softly, she later told herself. When he ignored her and entered her anyway, she tensed up and tried to go numb until it was over.

That's rape.

She and a coworker met a man in the bar of the hotel where they were staying. They ended up going with the man to a party, and then he and Shari returned to the hotel. On the way in, he kissed her deeply. They had a few more drinks at the hotel bar, and then he asked if she wanted to go to his hotel room to see some family photos.

She went to his room but after a few minutes said she needed to go. He pinned her on the bed and, according to Shari, sexually assaulted her. She struggled with him and managed to escape. Shari reported the incident to police but didnt press charges.

So's that.

They drank, they flirted, and then he invited her to his apartment. There, they kissed for a while, and things got more heated until Laura realized that he was taking off her underwear and entering her. She was drunk, but she says she was aware enough to say no. When he ignored her, she froze a common response, much like Alicias and he continued to have sex with her.

No he didn't. He raped her.

And you know, it's really not all that confusing for guys, no matter what Cosmo says.

Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality for ESPN, says, Ive had girls tell me I dont have sex on the first night. And I say, Thats fine, I respect that. Mind if I play with you a little bit? A girl will say no, she doesnt mind, then shell get so hot, shell say, Lets do it. Thats the scariest part. Is it then my responsibility to say no?

Yes. Welcome to the grownup world, where women and men are responsible for sex and for respecting their partner's expressed wishes.

One male student at George Washington University, a senior, recounted to the student newspaper that he had woken up naked and drunk next to a girl he didnt know. His friends later told him that the girl had bought him drinks the night before and volunteered to take him home. He ended up feeling taken advantage of that he wouldnt have hooked up with her if he hadnt been so wasted.

Of course he felt taken advantage of: he was raped.

Another senior at GW expressed his confusion like this: Sometimes Ill feel like a girl isnt sure, but then shell say yes and Ill think shes just being coy. If you regret it or she regrets it, does that make it assault?

It does if you "felt" she "wasn't sure" and pressured her into that "coy" yes. Again, boys, guess what? If you feel like your partner's not into it, then don't force the issue. See? Easy.

Last year, a 20-year-old female midshipman at the U.S. Naval Academy reported that the academys star quarterback, Lamar S. Owens Jr., raped her. She filed charges and, in a July 2006 court-martial of Owens, said that she had been drinking and could recall very little beyond waking up in her bed in the middle of the night to find Owens having sex with her.

Owens testified that she had invited him to her room during an instant message conversation, and that after a few caresses, they began to have sex. After two minutes, he reportedly said, she stopped responding, and he left her room. The young woman testified that she could not remember sending the messages to Owens and that someone had closed the instant-message window on her computer, so they werent retrievable.

A toxicologist for the defense reportedly said that the young womans blood-alcohol level showed that she was legally intoxicated, which means she may not have been able to give consent. Nonetheless, the rape charge against Owens was dropped because the five officers on the military jury believed that evidence indicated he had been invited to her room. During his testimony, Owens reportedly said it was a case not of rape but of sex going bad.

Nope, it's rape. Being invited to someone's room doesn't give you a license to fuck them.

Cosmo goes on to ask, rhetorically, "How do you avoid being a victim without giving up the right to be sexually independent and assertive?" Duh. By being sexually independent and assertive.

Which includes not making excuses for rapists.

Bitch_PhD thinks the best way to prevent rape is to teach boys to take no for an answer.

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Comments

code_red

Portland, OR

July 2005

SEP 17, 2007 10:07 PM

this is why I don't read Cosmo.

fabulous commentary.

Formus

Milwaukee, WI

May 2007

SEP 17, 2007 10:08 PM

Hahaha. Essentially what that article says is "date rape is acceptably gray." Hahahahahahahaha. Cosmo is written by men, I swear to god. How else do they know 40776475 ways to please them?

xfinitex

East Lansing, MI

August 2005

SEP 17, 2007 10:15 PM

Wow. I don't really know how to respond after reading that. Just wow.

But yeah, just read an article on women's magazines in my 'American Women Authors' class and I'm convinced that Men still write those magazines, just like they did in the fifties, the era of the house wife heroine.

TommyJohn

Ellington, CT

September 2005

SEP 17, 2007 10:19 PM

Now please don't flame me as a rapist or any of that jazz....but when this scenario comes up

"Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality for ESPN, says, "I've had girls tell me 'I don't have sex on the first night.' And I say, 'That's fine, I respect that. Mind if I play with you a little bit?' A girl will say no, she doesn't mind, then she'll get so hot, she'll say, 'Let's do it.' That's the scariest part. Is it then my responsibility to say no?"

Yes. Welcome to the grownup world, where women and men are responsible for sex and for respecting their partner's expressed wishes."

you made the point to emphasize the "and men" part of being responsible for sex by italicizing it. Now....shouldn't you have italicized them both because the woman made two contradictory statemenst? nowhere does he imply any kind of inebriation. The girl said no, then later said yes. I understand that you should respect a girl's wishes with what she first says, but don't bash JUST the guy for that specific scenario. The woman should respect the fact that it's damn confusing when they say two different things without any kind of drug/alcohol involved. If this scenario is gonna be gone, then they've gotta stick to their guns. If no means no...then don't say yes. But i dunno....i'm just trying to get a better understanding here.

Everything else was clear cut rape though....

"Gimme a written notarized contract and we can bump uglies....till then i'm keepin out" - A friend of mine from UConn.....probably offensive, but it was appropriate for this conversation.

TNTKatie

Elgin, IL

January 2007

SEP 17, 2007 10:21 PM

Bitch_PhD thinks the best way to prevent rape is to teach boys to take no for an answer.

amen

Vestril

Coronado, CA

February 2003

SEP 17, 2007 10:24 PM

Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality for ESPN, says, "I've had girls tell me 'I don't have sex on the first night.' And I say, 'That's fine, I respect that. Mind if I play with you a little bit?' A girl will say no, she doesn't mind, then she'll get so hot, she'll say, 'Let's do it.' That's the scariest part. Is it then my responsibility to say no?"

Yes. Welcome to the grownup world, where women and men are responsible for sex and for respecting their partner's expressed wishes.

Uh, what? If a girl says "let's do it" it's my responsibility to deny her? If a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with me and later changes her mind and wants to have sex with me, it's rape? You're really hard to take seriously.

Really though, what am I thinking. Women are conditioned from birth to do as men say, so anytime I have sex with a woman it's rape--she's only doing it because she was programmed to. The only acceptable non-rape sex is homosexual. Clearly.

Seriously though, rape seems fairly clear cut to me. It's not gray rape if a person says no and another person ignores them and has sex with them, it's regular, vile rape. If one person is wasted drunk and the other is sober, that sounds like rape to me. The fun part is when both people are drunk; I remember a story not too long ago where this girl was drunk and had sex with this guy, who was also drunk, and realized in the morning that she wasn't interested so therefore he "raped" her. Right. Technically they raped each other, since they were both too drunk to give consent, but being drunk isn't an excuse for breaking the law. Sounds like a wash to me.

Bitch_PhD thinks the best way to prevent rape is to teach boys to take no for an answer.

I take no for an answer just fine thanks.

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH

February 2007

SEP 17, 2007 10:27 PM

The young woman testified that she could not remember sending the messages to Owens and that someone had closed the instant-message window on her computer, so they weren't retrievable.

I find this a bit shady. Being that they can retrieve information off formatted hard drives, why would it be so hard to retrieve closed out instant message windows, i am sure there is some tiny bit of memory somewhere that could be retrieved to give them information.

Being sober, 99% of the time i DD. I have taken drunk girls home and put them to bed with nothing more happening. I'd rather wake up in the morning knowing i did the right thing, than have her wake up regretting what she did. I almost always get a thank you for that. I prefer my friends feel safe around me.

It's really not that hard of a decision to make.

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO

July 2007

SEP 17, 2007 10:30 PM

fuckin' cosmo...bullshit gossip masquerading as legitimate commentary and advice...stick to fashion tips and celebrity interviews. I also find it pretty sad that the article is written by a Pulitzer prize winning reporter who can't even manage to reference further reading, thus making it the reader's responsibility to put it in context that, forgive my presumption, Cosmo readers are not inclined to seek.

ink_slinger

Edmonton, AB

October 2005

SEP 17, 2007 10:30 PM

I've kind of got to agree with TommyJohn and Vestril on this one. That one scenario doesn't quite jive with the others.

bcguitar33

Jamaica Plain, MA

January 2004

SEP 17, 2007 10:34 PM

Yes. Welcome to the grownup world, where women and men are responsible for sex and for respecting their partner's expressed wishes.

No, it's really not. Sorry, I was with you until you got here, but this is the grownup world, where people are responsible for their own actions. If you don't want to have sex on the first date, you're responsible to not have sex on the first date. If you decide, uncoerced, to fool around, you need to accept the risk that you may change your mind about how far you're willing to go. Sure, it's the stand-up thing to do, to help people uphold their convictions, but it's not your responsibility to have more self-control about it than they do.

Gender doesn't really enter into this example because it's just as applicable no matter whether the mind-changer is a man, woman, or if both folks are the same gender. If you feel strongly that you don't want to do something, don't put yourself in situations where your judgement will become blurred. I feel strongly that I don't want to crash my car, so I don't drink before I drive it, because that would make crashing it harder to resist. If I feel strongly that I shouldn't have sex on a first date, maybe I shouldn't fool around, if that's going to make it harder to resist.

DhD_No_Pants

Katy, TX

May 2006

SEP 17, 2007 10:34 PM

TNTkatie said:

Bitch_PhD thinks the best way to prevent rape is to teach boys to take no for an answer.

amen

I don't know, we ingrain it pretty hard into people not to kill, rob, or hurt other people, and it still happens with sickening frequency as well. There is no way to prevent rape other than keeping humans away from one another. We are a fucked up species as a whole.

What we DO need some serious work on is the mentality that women have that we somehow deserved the assault. It is fucked that so many women secretly blame themselves and do not report rape because of the stigma attached to it. If I had the knowledge many years ago that I have now, and the guts to have reported an assault, I might have prevented it from happening to another girl (which it did) and THAT guilt will stay with me forever.

That being said, I don't care if I am letting my husband that I have been together with for 8 years go balls deep in my ass, if I even say the word no mid thrust, he needs to stop, or it is rape. Period, end of discussion.

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

SEP 17, 2007 10:47 PM

Vestril said:

Yes. Welcome to the grownup world, where women and men are responsible for sex and for respecting their partner's expressed wishes.

Indeed.

There was nothing about the first indication of generalised non-consent that said that exceptions could never be made. Which one of our partner's wishes are we meant to be respecting? The original wishes or the apparently revised wishes?

Bitch_PhD said:

One male student at George Washington University, a senior, recounted to the student newspaper that he had woken up naked and drunk next to a girl he didn't know. His friends later told him that the girl had bought him drinks the night before and volunteered to take him home. He ended up feeling taken advantage of _ that he wouldn't have hooked up with her if he hadn't been so wasted.

Of course he felt taken advantage of: he was raped.

By my estimation, based on the information given, we simply cannot say that. There is no basis to claim that he said no and his "no" was ignored. There's no basis on which to assume he didn't participate enthusiastically at the time. He's woken with a lack of memory and no way of knowing what his own actions were at the time.

I'm not saying he wasn't raped. I'm pointing out that on the information available, we cannot determine that he was.

Tigerwong

Baltimore, MD

February 2005

SEP 17, 2007 10:50 PM

ink_slinger said:
I've kind of got to agree with TommyJohn and Vestril on this one. That one scenario doesn't quite jive with the others.

Yeah... it would be different if just as things were getting going (or really at any point after the "let's do it") she changed her mind and said "wait stop." If he continued at that point, then, yes, absolutely, rape. But according to the text that isn't the case.

Now, that guy might be a bit of a jerk for getting her all worked up, and she might feel manipulated because apparently his finger-fu (or tongue-fu) was just that good that it "made" her change her mind, but i don't feel that such a situation can be called rape, because she consented and in fact kinda told him to do it. She decided to not go by her own rules.

Anyway, (and again this is based strictly on what i'm reading here) this one in particular is not a situation that i would call rape, but only because she changed her mind and decided she wanted to get busy, and didn't change it back.

armyofrobots

Orlando, FL

October 2004

SEP 17, 2007 10:54 PM

I guess all those times I said "i'm not having sex tonight" and ended up having sex because I was "all hot and bothered" despite me saying I'm not going to, I was raped?

what?

listen, if a lady or guy says earlier to their date or whatever that they don't want to have sex, but then later in the evening says "hey you know what, let's just do it", that is not in any way rape....people change their mind...all the time. You can't honestly think that's rape and if you do...well....you're wrong.

Now, in all fairness, if the person changes their mind and says "hey, we should stop" and the person who they're doing whatever with says "uhh...no" and continues...then yes, by all means that's rape.