News > Culture > Parking Garages, Scary For 90 Seconds

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THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 6 2007 3:00 PM

Parking Garages, Scary For 90 Seconds - Not Minutes

Tags: P2, parking garages, horror, murder, films, Wes Bentley

So it seems they've based an entire horror movie on that scene from many other horror movies where a person finds themself alone in a dark, sinister-seeming parking garage.

I think we can agree, that if you find yourselves in this position in a movie you are in very serious trouble. You will at some point break into a run and then, just at your moment of escape, you will fumble and drop your keys while trying to get into your car. Then you'll get stabbed in the neck and/or face region. Repeatedly.

The best you can hope for is that instead of a killer, and the above scenario, you'll meet a mysterious trenchcoated man who will give you some secret information. He will say stuff like, "Don't you see how big this is?" "Or, "This goes all the way to the top." Or, "Just who do think it was that paid for all those bagels?"

If you see this guy, relax, he'll be the one in danger. Just try not to get in the way of the blowgun dart or the black-gloved hand that stabs him through the fence he was standing in front of.

Here's the problem with these scenes and probably, this movie. I've been in hundreds of parking garages in my life and they all tend to be incredibly well-lit. Either that or they're open at the sides in which case tons of sunlight, moonlight, lamplight, etc., spills in. I'm assuming the exception is The Ukraine at like, 3 am. I'm sure there are some scary garages over there, however, a sum total of none of the films I see are set in the Ukraine.

Garages, even at night, also tend to have overly helpful attendants who point you towards spots you already saw. I'm sure in an attack situation they'd at the very least be able to call the cops or blow a whistle or something.

They're certainly not busy replacing the burnt out and flickering bulbs that help set that scary mood. Nor are they working on the world's loudest dripping pipes, whose drips collect into large oil-covered puddles. Two things sue-conscious owners tend not to let hang around for long in the real world.

TheCoolerKing begs you to avoid making jokes about how the real horror is trying to remember where you parked.

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Comments

DownNeck

Jersey City, NJ

March 2006

SEP 06, 2007 03:04 PM

no, the real horror is all the suburban cunts who saw the fast and the furious: tokyo drift one too many times and are trying to break the sound barrier in a fucking parking garage with the souped-up civic mommy and daddy bought for 'em

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA

May 2003

SEP 06, 2007 03:07 PM

I saw this trailer with an audience and everyone laughed -- guffawed even when the "in a world" voiceover fella said "P2"

it was very sad for the scary movie

Formus

Milwaukee, WI

May 2007

SEP 06, 2007 03:08 PM

Horror is such shit these days. Such utter, horrible shit. Even The Exorcist is better than this Hatchet and P2 bullshit. I long for horror that makes you squirm, not jump.

kinghell

Portland, OR

July 2003

SEP 06, 2007 03:16 PM

The parking garage episode of Seinfeld looks scarier than this.

DhD_No_Pants

Katy, TX

May 2006

SEP 06, 2007 03:19 PM

The few times I've found myself in seedy/shady parking garages, I just, ya know, don't park there.

But I'm also one of those people that tries to see under my car before I walk up to it because I have that fear of someone being under it. And I look in the backseat before I get in. And I always have my keys in a deathgrip.

l0vetrain

Portland, OR

April 2007

SEP 06, 2007 03:25 PM

"There's nothing scarier than finding yourself alone in a parking garage...."
LMAO

four33

Austin, TX

May 2004

SEP 06, 2007 03:29 PM

Why does this author call Ukraine "the Ukraine"? Are there other Ukraines I don't know about?