News > Culture > Ways In Which Kids Are Ruined, Part One Million

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THURSDAY AUGUST 30 2007 8:00 PM

Ways In Which Kids Are Ruined, Part One Million

Tags: tag, schools, games, pussies, coddling, ruining

Stories like this seem to be popping up more and more these days. Somehow, this makes them no less shocking, nor any less appalling...

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) - An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will.

Tag.

TAG.

Fucking. T. A. G. Tag.

If there were some other way to write tag, while still expressing my annoyance doused with sarcasm, I'd do it. Maybe T@#!

Not "Kill the Man with the Ball." Not Dodgeball... Tag. "Tag, you're it," that thing.

The only way the above paragraph would be acceptable is if it were immediately followed by a teacher saying, "Well, harass them back. Then they will be "harassed," until they can find someone to tag, at which point, that person will harass someone else. Didn't you read the rules?" Then everyone bursts into laughter and says, "Just kidding, we really didn't ban tag."

"Chased against your will," during a game of tag. That's like playing basketball and complaining that people kept trying to take the ball from you, and you didn't want them to.

"It causes a lot of conflict on the playground," said Cindy Fesgen, assistant principal of the Discovery Canyon Campus school.

Hey you know where else I hear there's conflict? The fucking world. And at your job. And, even, if I recall, in middle school. Which is what elementary school is supposed to prepare them for.

God forbid you sort out the conflict, punish those responsible, and then supervise an orderly game of tag. Of course, I'm no assistant principal.

Running games are still allowed as long as students don't chase each other, she said.

By running games I'm guessing she means a race. No doubt at the end of which, every kid is given a gold medal, a blue ribbon, and a fifty word essay on why they're "special." The only loser? The people of Earth who will someday encounter these fragile, pushy bastards, who are guaranteed to be fighting off tears while demanding special treatment.

Fesgen said two parents complained to her about the ban but most parents and children didn't object.

That might be the most depressing part.

In 2005, two elementary schools in the nearby Falcon School District did away with tag and similar games in favor of alternatives with less physical contact. School officials said the move encouraged more students to play games and helped reduce playground squabbles.

Well yes, when you avoid or delay a problem rather than solve it, you do tend to get less squabbles.

How soon before "duck, duck, goose," is abolished due to children complaining about an "odd, tap-like pressure felt on the tops of their heads"?

How about see-saws that only go "up." We all love the gentle upward movement but, really, who wants to deal with crashing back down to Earth and then having to you use your own muscles to propel yourself skyward? We can't get a machine to do that?

Tug-o-war? Well, first, we'll change the name to "Tuggles" because war is such a dirty word. Then, every child gets his own rope and is allowed to take it in any direction he or she chooses! Forget all that work and struggle for a well-earned reward... I mean, when will that ever come up again?

TheCoolerKing was picked on for several years of middle school and because of it, he is now a better, more fulfilled person than 99% of his classmates. It's a medical fact.

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Comments

Wick87

Coquitlam, BC

February 2007

AUG 30, 2007 08:08 PM

When I was a young boy we had this game called Sharks that we had to stop playing
We had this really wide slide, and you'd have people on the top and people on the bottom, and you'd try and pull the people from the top down if you were on the bottom.
If you were on the top, it was a totally different story, as you spent the bulk of your time kicking your classmates hands and faces.
Those were the days.
Then in like 4th grade they banned it because kids would be battered and bruised when they came back to class.
Also, a Belgian kid in 5th grade was "picked on" in foursquare, so we needed to stop playing that.
Sensitivity sucks.

Kleio

Winona, MN

January 2006

AUG 30, 2007 08:10 PM

Heaven forfend our children should actually learn how to deal with conflict... Let's just keep them in a conflict-free bubble for-EVAR!

*head*
*hit*
*keyboard*

committedsavage

Seattle, WA

July 2006

AUG 30, 2007 08:19 PM

Stupid as fuck. No wonder the world hates us.

TaoAndCoffee

Stoney Creek, ON

June 2007

AUG 30, 2007 08:21 PM

For the longest time I envied the kids of today, because their toys are a bajillion times cooler than the ones I had. Tonight that envy is officially dead.

*does a little dance around corpse of envy*

When these kids grow up and have to deal with the real world, no teachers or parents coddling them, I hope I get to be their boss in some capacity. Then I'm going to give them a little lesson in harassment.

Ridley

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

AUG 30, 2007 08:21 PM

Wow. When will the coddling stop?

stem

Anchorage, AK

January 2007

AUG 30, 2007 08:23 PM

Are they gonna kick the skinny kids out for picking on the fat kids next?

Cassiel

Aurora, CO

September 2004

AUG 30, 2007 08:24 PM

the Springs is a strange place, btw

scylis

USA

November 2004

AUG 30, 2007 08:29 PM

stem said:
Are they gonna kick the skinny kids out for picking on the fat kids next?

no, they'll kick the smart kids out because it makes the dumb kids feel stupid. they're already holding them back, so kicking them out entirely is the next logical step.

blink_

USA

November 2006

AUG 30, 2007 08:30 PM

FUCK!!!
::breaths out::
my elementary school banned tag back in the early nineties. this schools behind the times