Once again it's time to celebrate that most popular of all God's killing machines... the shark. That's right, Discovery Channel's annual Shark Week.

Would sharks be as popular if they had the ability to follow us onto land? I doubt it. If apes started randomly punching people their popularity would drop as fast as... well, the people they were hitting.

But, we have legs and can use them to leave bodies of water and for that reason they are somehow still super-popular.

The following video features a shark hypnotist. I wasn't aware that hypnotism had been perfected on humans yet. In fact, I have a smoking uncle who's living, coughing proof that it hasn't been. Hmmm... Maybe wait until it's 100% effective on creatures you can reason with before trying it out on unstoppable engines of death and misery? No? Okay...



This man has just given up his right to our sympathy when a shark inevitably eats him. A day, a month, a year, whatever... It will happen, and when it does... he had it coming.

I'll go even further, ANY freak accident that befalls him, lightning strike, anvil crushing, quicksand, whatever the case may be. The moment you feel bad for him, say to yourself, "Well, there was that time he tried hynotizing that shark and nothing bad happened to him... I guess he was one up."



Shark Week? There needs to be a "this poor woman" week. Holy shit. Is it a little exploitative to have her tell her shark-attack tale, film a re-enactment of said attack and then let the camera linger on her for seconds after the revelation that her leg was bitten off, all in service of a week devoted to the sharks? I'm not sure either but it was creepy to watch.

Boy, I sure hope you hate sea-turtles.



Don't worry, I have it on good authority that that turtle was a racist. Maybe he should've been allowed to use a gun or something cause that was a one-sided blowout.

Admittedly, my grasp on evolution isn't iron-clad but... I'm guessing that if that shark kills hundreds more turtles, while wounding a few, and then the few who lived breed, and then some of them are wounded while hundreds more are killed... And the few that are left again breed and so on and so forth... In about 2 million years there's gonne be a 25-foot long sea-turtle who's pissed off, impervious to shark bites and ready to get some revenge.

I bet he'll even have an eye patch.

TheCoolerKing looks forward to one day yelling at a shark from the safety of a steel boat.