Hey, Americans: have you ever wondered how the rest of the world filters and perceives the fine traditional cuisine of the United States? Cease your wondering, my friends. Thanks to Japan, I have your answer. Brace yourselves:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Pizza Hut Japan's exclusive Double Roll pie is 646 calories per slice, with little bacon wrapped sausages littered across the crust, and mini hamburger patties on top of the mushrooms, soy beans, corn, paprika, garlic chips, green peppers, and pepperoni. As for cheese, it has mozzarella, cheddar and parmigiana. BTW, this comes with ketchup and maple syrup for extra flavor, and is recommended for kids.

Scary, huh? Perhaps, dizzy with a mixture of confusion, horror, and indignance, you are thinking, "Wait a minute! That grossly misrepresentational pizza abomination is no more traditional American food than Frankenstein's monster, cobbled together from pieces of real corpse, is truly a man. While it may be comprised of various traditional parts -- and, against all better judgment, it may look sort of perversely delicious -- it is certainly not how we really eat!" Well, all I can say to you is this: welcome to Mexico's world.

It doesn't take a Cordon Bleu graduate to figure out that something called an "enchirito" probably isn't going to be authentic Mexican cuisine, but upon leaving the condescending safety of fast food fare, the lines really start to blur. The carnitas fajitas you got in Old Town were actual Mexican food, right? What about those carne asada nachos you scarfed down at 2AM from that greasy little hole-in-the-wall around the corner -- those must be authentic, no? Don't be so sure. Most of what we think of, when we think of Mexican food, is authentic only as much as a pizza made of maple syrup and hot dogs is the national snack of the United States, and quite frankly, Mexico is sick and tired of it. Having stood aghast outside of one Chevy's Fresh-Mex too many, the Mexican government is taking a stand, launching an active campaign of real Mexican food awareness.

They apparently also lobbied UNESCO to declare Mexican food a "cultural patrimony of humanity," which I'll admit might be a little on the ostentatious side; as Carlos Gonzalez, executive director of the Institute for Mexicans Abroad explains, however, a country's food "gives prestige to the country, promotes its image," and you can't really blame anyone for wanting to promote as good and as true-to-life an image as possible.

The biggest obstacles to be tackled in this battle are the sneaky banditos known as Tex-Mex and Cali-Mex. The first comes in the form of deep-fat frying, gut-busting chili, and festive corn and peppers in fucking everything (think Bobby Flay); the latter is Tex-Mex's arguably healthier brother, all pico de gallo and fruity salsas and freshly-grilled fish tacos. Nachos? Gringo food. Burritos? Gringo food. Carne asada fries? Delicious, delicious gringo food.

Therein lies the problem. Fake Mexican food has come to transcend its fakeness, delicious in its own right. What are they cooking up at the Mexican government symposium?

Emphasis added, and back on the homestead, some of her contemporaries are serving up breaded pork feet with fried egg and ranchera sauce on top. Yum yum! That's right, real Mexican food sounds exciting until you realize that it's my great-grandmother wrestling a steaming bowl of pork 'n' cactus down your throat. (Although, god rest her soul, the albondigas soup was delicious.) Sound good? I'm not saying at all that it isn't (having never tried grasshoppers, I am in no position to judge), but it isn't at all surprising that the biggest taquito aficionados might be a little wary of true traditional cuisine. As Jeanette Avila, aforementioned purveyor of eggy pig feet, notes: "It is important to promote our culture and educate people about real Mexican food, but we also need to be flexible and understand that a lot of people in the United States have yet to develop a taste for our food." As much, I'd imagine, as Chinese food what is not sweet'n'sour pork.

So the promotion of real Mexican food is definitely cool and important (and a welcome break from Rick Bayless), but I'd say that education is equally important. Let's start with the names. We call it Mexican food, but let's face it: it's American food. We've co-opted it, stuffed it with french fries and dainty seasonings, and now it is ours as much as hamburgers and hot dogs. Perhaps Japan should throw some mini tacos on top of that pizza while they're at it -- what a monstrously delicious melting pot it could be.


_DictionaryGirl_, who doffs her cap to hor for the story, feels kind of sorry for anyone who hasn't had a California burrito. Authentically Mexican? No. Authentically awesome? You bet your life.