The First-Ever “Rob is in a movie being released this weekend” Movie Review!


I play a small but fun role in a hilarious movie opening this Friday called The Ten. It was directed by David Wain (Wet Hot American Summer) and stars every member of his former sketch group, The State, as well as many huge Hollywood stars like Winona Ryder, Famke Jansen and Adam Brody, to name just a few.

I’m never one for shameless self-promotion so I find it hard asking you to go see this very funny movie. It’s only in thirty-or-so theaters, which places it, at best, in the “art-house” category. Suffice to say, we would definitely benefit from your purchasing a ticket. But I understand that there are a lot of great movies premiering this weekend and I would rather you go see a movie that fits your tastes than go to a film you’ve been pandered into seeing.

To which end, I’ve written short reviews for some of the movies opening on the same day as The Ten. I hope this collection inspires you to make an informed choice. At any rate, you can’t go wrong with any of these movies, they are all special in their own way! Have a great weekend and keep reaching for the stars!


The Bourne Ultimatum
This movie has AIDS. Don’t go see it. You’ll get AIDS. Guaranteed. This movie claims to have caught AIDS on a recent trip to Africa after it was bitten by a Rhesus monkey, but I have first-hand information that this movie caught AIDS after it fucked the whole UMass basketball team. This movie is a slut.


Hot Rod
Far be it from me to give career advice, but after having been voted “The Funniest Man on the Planet” by the Internet, the last thing you should do is go make a porno. And what run-of-the-mill fare! As far as I can tell this skin-flick is about a guy with a moustache who rides a motorcycle to the various places he fucks Isla Fisher.

Don’t get me wrong; I love Andy Samberg. I think he has taken Saturday Night Live into the digital age and the show hasn’t been this funny since it was all about Will Ferrell’s tummy. But what a terrible porn name! Andy Samberg? I assume he got it from the infamous “Hot Samburg,” which is a cross between a “Dirty Sanchez,” a “Doggy in a bathtub” and a “Bullwinkle.” Don’t go see this movie. It may also have AIDS.


Underdog
My friend, Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee is in this movie and I wish her the best, but this is one of those movies that takes unnecessary liberties with an established and beloved character. Underdog was a cartoon that was watched by, literally, HUNDREDS of fans, and they will not take kindly to Hollywood messing with their favorite talking-dog superhero.
Speaking of which, IMDB claims that Underdog came into being after “a lab accident gives a hound named Shoeshine some serious superpowers.” But we all know that it was drugs that gave “Shoeshine boy” his awesome abilities. He took a “super energy pill” and could suddenly fly. This was edited out of syndicated broadcasts. Also edited out of broadcasts is Samantha Bee’s drug use. She is rarely not high. Ticket sales from this movie will go straight up her nose. Don’t go see it.


El Cantante
If you’re a racist (and who isn’t) you will hate this movie.


Bratz: The Movie
I hate to admit it but this movie genuinely scared the pants off me. I watched most of the movie through the slits of my fingers. I found myself yelling at the screen, “No! Don’t go in that door! (Wearing that!)” I had nightmares for days after screening it. This movie is a masterpiece of Modern American Horror. If you love scary movies, line up early for this future classic. Line up early, buy a ticket for The Ten, and sneak into Bratz.


Becoming Jane Austen
Finally, a movie set in 1795 that’s not based on a Jane Austen novel.


The Ten
The most important movie ever made. Ever heard of the Ten Commandments? Well, this movie has that shit inside of it! This movie is funny. It stars Gretchen Moll and Jessica Alba so it is also sexy! It also stars Liev Schreiber so it is Tony Award winning! It stars Ron Silver so this movie loves America! It also stars Paul Rudd so it is funny, accessible, charismatic, handsome and versatile! It also stars Rob Corddry, which means it’s bald and has to buy a house. Please go see it.


I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry
This movie opened a few weeks ago but it’s still doing way better than it should be. Don’t go see this film. Please? Just go see The Ten. We really need it. Did I mention that director David Wain has Parkinson’s disease? That is the honest-to-god truth. His drugs are very expensive and if you go see I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry you are literally killing him. By the way, I am in I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry. That’s how much you should go see The Ten.


Blame it on Fidel
I’m bored. Did I mention I have a daughter to feed? Yeah. And the residuals I get paid from you seeing The Ten go directly into her mouth. The money I get from you seeing Chuck and Larry will have AIDS. That’s a fact.


Summer ’04
Is this really a movie? Oh my God, we’ll definitely beat this one. I think it’s German. Ha! I hope so. We’re going to destroy this movie!
Oh shit, I just IMDB’d it. It says it’s, “A German film made in the French mode.” Holy Shit! We are going to bury this movie! The “French mode”! Oh man!


Charlie Bartlett
Have you seen Rushmore? Then you’ve seen this movie. Go See The Ten.