News > Culture > Next Time You Try to Kill An Old Man Make Sure You Finish the Job

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MONDAY JULY 30 2007 8:00 PM

Next Time You Try to Kill An Old Man Make Sure You Finish the Job

Tags: .38 caliber, gun, tough old-bastard, self defense

While scouring the net for things that look atrocious (ex. a typical Will Smith movie), as well as things that look promising (ex. Will Smith bows out of a movie allowing an actor to perform the role), occasionally I find odd human interest type stories that I can't believe aren't made up (ex. man finds cookie that resembles Will Smith, doesn't care).

Firmly in the last category, is this recent story.

An elderly man beaten unconscious by an assailant wielding a soda can awoke and shot the man during an attempted robbery, police said.

Wow. What's there to say... I don't ask for too much more from a news story. This one has it all. Other than, say, adding a part at the end where the old man makes out with the robber's hot girlfriend/getaway driver or maybe finding out the robber was an in-disguise Bin Laden, I don't know what else it could have. Old man hero, recovering from supreme beatdown, shooting his attacker.

Willie Lee Hill, 93, told police he saw the robber while in his bedroom Wednesday night. Hill confronted the man and was struck at least 50 times, police said. He was knocked unconscious.

He's 93. He was struck "at least 50 times." At least.

How many times would you think you'd need to hit a 93 year old? Hypothetically... Once? Twice for safety? I'd guess "no more than 5 times." Or, 6, if you're OCD. This guy went with 50. I'd have thought 50 would be good enough to fell a hippo. 40 unanswered punches should be able to drop boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Why the extra? Was the victim making wisecracks after every shot? "You call that a punch?" "Shut the door, I just felt a breeze graze my cheek..." Or was Willie out after the first few but the thief wanted to avoid any "horror movie" multiple-awakenings?

Covered in blood, Hill regained consciousness a short time later and pulled a .38-caliber handgun on his attacker. The suspect, Douglas B. Williams Jr., saw the gun and charged the man, who fired a bullet that struck Williams in the throat, police said.

And, it turns out, 50 WASN'T ENOUGH! Either Willie is made of bear-balls and broken glass or this mugger is in possession of the "world's girliest punch." He should do an ID check before his selecting his next victim, no one in double digits.

"I got what I deserved," Williams, 24, told police when they arrived, officers said. Investigators reported finding, among other items, a Craftsman drill bit set, three pocket knives and two hearing aids inside his pockets.

The man had hearing problems?! 93 and hard of hearing wasn't enough to tilt the tide in the assailant's favor? Can you imagine the scene if Willie had had his hearing aids in?

Police plan to charge Williams with residential burglary, second- degree battery, theft of property and theft by receiving.

This guy is lucky "being a pussy" isn't a chargeable offense in Arkansas.

TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.

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Comments

VonPink

Glens Falls, NY

October 2006

JUL 30, 2007 08:11 PM

Omg I can only hope I can be like that when I'm old.

DeadBilly

Burnt Cabins, PA

February 2004

JUL 30, 2007 08:13 PM

More proof old dudes are cool.

Drakyn

New Providence, NJ

September 2006

JUL 30, 2007 08:20 PM

He's a 93 year old Bad ass.... Why the Hell didn't he pull out his Sword cane? Or was the gun a Luger? All old Bad asses have both of these. For when The Krauts get uppity

As for the First paragraph

I like Will Smith..... Who Can't respect a man who made a career out of fighting creatures from the future?

*I haven't Seen Pursuit of Happyness yet, But I'm pretty sure The kid becomes a Cyborg zombie Who Smith has to kill. Will Wouldn't let the fact that the movie is a period piece-drama stop him. Look at Wild Wild West.

Robot Spiders Muthafucka*

ckdexterhaven

USA

December 2005

JUL 30, 2007 08:29 PM

TheCoolerKing said:
TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.

Just say no. Who started that anyway? Some self-righteous douche probably.

Wow, this is pretty cool actually. I could get used to this. In the world of italicized text, every single word is chock full of emphasis and insight. And crammed to capacity with wit and intellect. It's sort of like speaking with a British accent. I sound smarter already, don't I?

Heathen_Dave

Birmingham, AL

July 2005

JUL 30, 2007 09:01 PM

CKDexterHaven said:

TheCoolerKing said:
TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.

I'm sorry what'd you say? I was dazzled by your wit and intellect.

Also, this guy is awesome. I bet he has a ton of #1 Grandpa shirts and coffee mugs.

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO

July 2007

JUL 30, 2007 09:07 PM

Heathen_Dave said:

CKDexterHaven said:

TheCoolerKing said:
TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.

I'm sorry what'd you say? I was dazzled by your wit and intellect.

Also, this guy is awesome. I bet he has a ton of #1 Grandpa shirts and coffee mugs.

I would assume he wouldn't sink to the level of #1 grandpa...if anything his t-shirts say, "I'm the only grandpa, bitches".

did I read this right, he beat him with a soda can? was it an empty soda can?

RanusStudios

Boston, MA

July 2007

JUL 30, 2007 09:11 PM

This is my favorite news story in the history of the world ever.

Lockeblade

Australia

May 2007

JUL 30, 2007 09:21 PM

Sly taking a beat down in another Rocky movie... Grandpa taking a beat down with a soda can and shooting his attacker... I'm tellin' ya, old people aren't as fragile as we think.