How many times have you been waiting patiently in line to use a public restroom, only to discover that the non-stop orgy of anonymous gay sex that’d been taking place inside had left the toilet stall in a bit of disarray?

Thankfully, Fort Lauderdale mayor Jim Naugle has found the courage to ignore budget woes and a rising crime rate and tackle the pressing issue of hot man-on-man sex in public restrooms head-on.

Earlier this month, Naugle proposed that Fort Lauderdale pony up $250,000 to install a self-cleaning automated toilet in “the rainbow parking lot” near one of Fort Lauderdale’s gay-friendly beaches. This “robo-john” can be programmed to open it’s doors automatically after a certain amount of time. Noting that this amount of time wasn’t long enough to allow anyone to engage “illegal sex,” Naugle touted the cyber-crapper as a way to

Naugle’s crusade to curb the epidemic of raunchy beach-adjacent dude-tacular toilet sex was all the more daring because, according to Fort Lauderdale police Sergeant Frank Sousa, that epidemic doesn’t actually exist.

Fort Lauderdale’s large and vocal gay community reacted by starting a “Flush Naugle” campaign, urging Fort Lauderdale residents to mail rolls of toilet paper to Naugle’s office.

Naugle, who previously endeared himself to his gay constituents by claiming he uses the word “homosexual” instead of gay because “most of them aren’t gay, they’re unhappy” and opposing efforts to move the Stonewall Library and Archive into the Fort Lauderdale public library because the archive contained gay porn, responded by saying he would issue an apology at a news conference.

Of course, he didn’t mean he was going to apologize to the gay community.

Instead, Naugle apologized to all the straight folks of Fort Lauderdale for underestimating the non-existent tidal wave of gay as blazes fucky-sucky that had been forcing local families and children to shit themselves in fear rather than venture into a public restroom. He also suggested that the Fort Lauderdale Convention and Visitor’s Bureau should stop trolling the Internet for hot gay tourists.

Meanwhile, local gay-friendly businesses are worried that having a homophobic windbag for a mayor might have an impact on the over $1 billion that gay tourism brings to the Fort Lauderdale economy each year.

Shockingly enough, this isn’t the first time Naugle has raised some eyebrows by making controversial statements. The conservative Democrat (who campaigned for Bush in 2000) has previously been quoted as suggesting that people who objected to a 2003 Christian outreach event should “move to Iraq,” that a proposal to reduce greenhouse gas emissions was “hate-America stuff” and that a proposed affordable housing law was “communism” that would “subsidize some schlock sitting on the sofa and drinking a beer, who won’t work more than 40 hours a week.”

But alas, it seems that Naugle’s brave struggle to liberate Fort Lauderdale’s public toilets from the grip of gay sexual tyranny has been thwarted. Fort Lauderdale city commissioners removed the automated toilet from the proposed yearly budget, apparently unaware that San Francisco is now 100% heterosexual thanks to the introduction of similar public robo-potties. Jim Naugle is term-limited from running again for a seventh term as mayor, but at least he’ll have a whole bunch of free toilet paper as a going away present.

(With a tip o' the leather daddy cap to oh_stella)