Dinosaurs and creation theory
live together in perfect harmony,
side by side on my laptop's keyboard;
Oh, Lord, why don't we-e-e...

Oh, uh, hello there!

I remember the first time I encountered a steadfast Creationist face to face. It was around ten years ago, I believe. We ended up in a very heated argument in the middle of eighth-grade homeroom period, the culmination of which was him telling me that dinosaur fossils were placed in the earth by God as a test of our faith, and me telling him that any God who would only half-ass the idea of dinosaurs is no God of mine.

I don't know if the new Creation Museum opening in Petersburg, Kentucky, this weekend is a sign of Fundamentalist Christians getting somehow more awesome over the years (in a strangely charming sci-fi sort of way), or just all the more utterly off their rocker, but either way it's kind of jaw-droppingly wonderful.

Aw, H-E-double-hockey-sticks yes! That's $27 million well spent, I say. It's high time alternate realities were featured more prominently in museum form, and these guys aren't about to throw down for just any old tacky Disney Hall o' Presidents-type robot fare – the museum's exhibits are designed by Patrick Marsh, the man responsible for the Jaws and King Kong exhibits at Florida's Universal Studios. Marsh claims to have given his efforts to this cause on account of he's a devout believer himself; no word yet on his value system as it relates to freaky giant gorillas.

The main men behind this project are Mark Looy and the delicious-sounding Ken Ham, co-founders of Answers in Genesis, an "apologetics ministry" whose mission it is to provide creative interpretations of the Book of Genesis and reconcile it with modern science the best they can, providing all the better argument fodder for righteous eighth-graders everywhere. Their magazine alone boasts 50,000 subscribers, and they claim that 9,000 charter members have already signed on to fund the museum venture, placing it completely in the black. At least you can rest assured that it's not your tax dollars at work.

At this rate, you may be wondering what kind of wonders may await you at this Bizarro-Exploratorium. Well, wonder no more, my friends! We've got the goods:

Wait, but now I'm confused. Shouldn't a proper Creation Theorist assume that the dinosaurs were bad eggs and were left to drown with the unicorns? Because if they didn't die in the Great Flood, and there's no evolution so they couldn't have evolved into something else, then what happened to the dinosaurs? I mean, where would they...

Shoot. I think I just got a brain freeze.

Anyway, the Creation Museum officially opens to the public on Memorial Day (that's the 28th to you foreign heathens), and its founders expect a quarter of a million visitors within the first year. Will you be one of them? I won't lie: I probably, would if I was remotely near the region. Even though the thought of paying to get in kind of makes me cringe, you've got to admit that, at the very least, it must be good for some ironic laughs and Kodak Moments. Plus, who can resist the pull of friendly animatronic dinosaur pals? I'll tell you who: no one. Not even God.

And that's a fact.