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  • TUESDAY MAY 8 2007 9:00 PM

If You are an Aries, You are a Dumbass



That’s not all! If you’re an Aquarius, Pisces, or (and this one hurts) Taurus, you’re also a total idiot. You can’t argue. It’s science!

The time of year a woman conceives may influence the future academic performance of her child, according to research reported this week at the Pediatric Academic Societies' annual meeting.

When researchers linked standardized test scores of 1,667,391 Indiana students in grades 3 through 10 with the month in which each student had been conceived, they found that children conceived May through August scored significantly lower on math and language tests than children conceived during other months of the year.


Uh oh. Another study. I know how much you guys love “studies” done by “scientists”. So we all know it’s bullshit, right? Totally. I mean, correlation does not denote causality, right? It could be caused by other factors, like race or gender or grade level.

The correlation between test scores and conception season held regardless of race, gender, and grade level.


Oh. Huh. How weird. Now I’m starting to wish I weren’t a Taurus, as I might have actually gotten into a good undergrad school then. Curse my parents for getting frisky in July! Don’t you know it’s too hot to fuck in the summer!?!? I shoulda been a Scorpio!

Wait… Now I’m not even sure if I’m doing the math on the months and zodiac signs correctly. April is Taurus, May is like Gemini or something, June is… shit! I have lost all confidence in my powers of mental acuity! Nooooooooo! What the fuck is going on here!?

Why might this be? According to Dr. Paul Winchester of Indiana University School of Medicine who led the study, says the evidence points to environmental pesticides, used most often in the summer months, as a possible player.

The lower test scores correlated with higher levels of pesticides and nitrates in the surface water (nearby streams and other bodies of water) during that same time period, he told Reuters Health.

"Exposure to pesticides and nitrates can alter the hormonal milieu of the pregnant mother and the developing fetal brain," Winchester explained in a statement. For example, past research has linked exposure to pesticides and nitrates to low thyroid hormone levels ("hypothyroidism"wink in pregnant women and hypothyroidism in pregnancy has been tied to lower intelligence test scores in offspring.


One can only hope that these results are limited to people from Indiana. I mean, we all knew the Hoosiers were a little slow, am I right? What the hell is a Hoosier anyway? I’ll bet they made it up.

Of course, Indiana is really close to Michigan, and my mom was pregnant with me in Michigan. Awww, man! So wait, am I sure I can blame the pesticides? Because if so, I’m totally going to sue some motherfuckers.

While the current findings do not prove that pesticides and nitrates contribute to lower test scores, "they strongly support such a hypothesis," Winchester said.

"A priori there should be no reasons particularly why the month of conception should change your (test) scores," he added in an interview, "and yet from our chain of evidence our hypothesis was that if pesticides do alter the friendly environment of the developing fetus than that might be reflected in lower scores. And unfortunately that's what we found."


OK. So it’s not conclusive, but we’re working on it. Or something. Good to know.

Now will someone tell me what the heck a “priori” is?

 

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Comments
RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

I'm lost
January 2006

MAY 08, 2007 11:05 PM

elctrnicpresskit said:
Aries I am...

S-M-R-T I am so smart ~(_8^(|)



dmac

dmac

Denver, CO
July 2005

MAY 08, 2007 11:08 PM

Damn! I'm an Aries so I guess I better hand back that doctorate of mine and notify all my patients that I'm really a dumb ass thanks to my parents' urge to mate at the improper time of year.....

I suppose the upside is that I'll save a shit ton of $$$ on malpractice insurance. surreal

Joanne

Joanne

Santa Cruz, CA
September 2003

MAY 08, 2007 11:15 PM

Vampirate said:

Subrosa said:
Now will someone tell me what the heck a "priori" is?


Aren't those the things that live in your brain and give you mad cow disease?



those are prions

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

MAY 08, 2007 11:20 PM

Joanne said:

Vampirate said:

Subrosa said:
Now will someone tell me what the heck a "priori" is?


Aren't those the things that live in your brain and give you mad cow disease?



those are prions



Nah, that's those Toyota hybrid cars. ooo aaa

Tritone

Tritone

Saint Paul, MN
May 2004

MAY 08, 2007 11:21 PM

Flux said:

Jimbo_Radio said:
wait... so how does that make aries a sign of tards?
they're march/april!
its a scientific fact that every aries is an asshole though.



Because if you were born under Aries, you were conceived during the Danger Zone!



According to my childhood television programming, this means they're in danger of being hit by a school bus. Special!

imclever

imclever

Kent, WA
February 2007

MAY 08, 2007 11:38 PM

Alzy said:
Weird, im a taurus and i was in all the AP classes in high school, earned Deans List in college and now got accepted into a creative writing program that out of a few hundred applications only chooses five poets.

Take that, science!



Think of it. You could have me MORE intelligent.

Tritone

Tritone

Saint Paul, MN
May 2004

MAY 08, 2007 11:44 PM

imclever said:

Alzy said:
Weird, im a taurus and i was in all the AP classes in high school, earned Deans List in college and now got accepted into a creative writing program that out of a few hundred applications only chooses five poets.

Take that, science!



Think of it. You could have me MORE intelligent.



Either that, or he's the only one keeping the Taurus average IQ from sippy cups and velcro shoes.

BeauBard

BeauBard

Odessa, TX
December 2003

MAY 09, 2007 12:05 AM

Gemini covers the back half of May and the front half of June.

I'm a Gemini so that means I was conceived out of season. Go me. So instead of blaming pesticides I can blame genetics, not for low IQ but for all other mental abnormalities.

tastycorn

tastycorn

I'm lost
May 2006

MAY 09, 2007 12:33 AM

Every Taurus I have ever known has been a genius. Fuck you.

Boondock_Saint

Boondock_Saint

Missoula, MT
May 2004

MAY 09, 2007 12:40 AM

Well that explains a lot with me being a Taurus. robot

Naville

Naville

SUICIDEGIRL

New York, USA

MAY 09, 2007 12:59 AM

yea but the months may thru august dont include aries aquarius or pisces so why does that make them dumbasses? that actually involves taurus gemini cancer and virgo. so as an aries on the cusp with pisces i have to argue that this is not true. bc our months, being that of march, are not the months mentioned. i just thought i should argue my point. and if that doesnt prove my point can i at least consider myself an exception so i can feel a little bit better about myself bc i think im pretty good on the intelligence factor. biggrin tongue

Synirr

Synirr

Austin, TX
January 2007

MAY 09, 2007 01:09 AM

Naville said:
yea but the months may thru august dont include aries aquarius or pisces so why does that make them dumbasses?


Because it's what month you were conceived, not what month you were born. It's ok, honey *pat pat*
(I'm just kiddin' around, plz don't be offended, kthx biggrin)

Cosmia

Cosmia

Togo
October 2005

MAY 09, 2007 01:10 AM

I'm dumb frown

Ridley

Ridley

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

MAY 09, 2007 01:23 AM

I would think that age and the time they were enrolled in school would make a difference more than pesticides. I mean cusp kids (meaning just outside the regular age range for a grade) are often admitted to early into school. Putting these kids in a year later (so they are one of the older kids in their grade) actually seems to be better for them. (something about development and maturity.)

Tritone

Tritone

Saint Paul, MN
May 2004

MAY 09, 2007 01:23 AM

Argh, base 12 makes me angry.

If your due date was from the start of Feb. to the end of May, then we apologize for the shriveled squishy thing between your ears.

This Gemini is saved by the grace of popping out too early. Hooray for other organic sources of stupidity!

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