Hey. It’s your best friend here. The guy that’s always pushing you to do some bonkers shit? Aren’t you glad you have me around? I mean would you really have done that crazy thing that is totally unlike you if it weren’t for my constant prodding? You’re so lucky I’m your best friend. You know why? Because you think too much dude!

Now of course, learning a lesson my way has its price. The Crazy Best Friend route is a recipe for madcap hijinks, including double entendres and mistaken identities. By the way, have you ever noticed that the word “identities” almost has the word “titties” in it? Do I make shit exciting or what?!

Here’s how it will inevitably go: First, you’re going to be pursuing your traditional, boring way of going about your tiny little life. Then, when you least expect it, it’s curveball time! Either your girlfriend is going to break up with you or you’re going to get fired or your family is going to disown you or you’re going to find yourself dating a superhero. Then you’re going to start obsessing pretty hard about whatever happened. That’s what you do, think too much. Then, during our weekly light-beer get together at that colorful pub we go to, or at the softball game where we playfully rib each other every week, or perhaps during those times I climb in your window as you are writing in your journal about how you are a teenage doctor, I am going to convince you that your girlfriend was a bitch, your job was worthless, that you don’t need your family and that dating a chick with superpowers is pretty rad, in spite of the dangers it presents. Sounds great huh? It should, but then again, you totally think too much!

I know what you’re thinking: this is coming from a guy who has five kids and a wife that won’t stop browbeating him. But, that pathetic juxtaposition allows me to see the value of taking insane risks with YOUR life. If you pursue my wacky premises long enough you will eventually learn, grow and change. And, in the meantime, you will totally get laid.

That all being said, let’s get one thing straight: I’m a terrible person. I can’t stand my wife, I hate taking care of my kids and I drive a minivan. I either dress in Member’s Only and pleated khakis or I’m uncommonly hip for a father of nine. That’s sort of why I do what I do. I want you to realize your full potential because I am living vicariously through you. I gave up on my spirit-sucking existence a long time ago. But remember what I was like in college? And high school? What about growing up together? Man, we’ve been friends a long time! You can’t help but like me! You know why? Because I am the perfect foil and I’m always there when you need some exposition.

I should warn you. After following my advice for a while you’re going to have your “All Hope is Lost Moment”. It’ll probably be because you got caught lying one too many times. Lying is one of my specialties. It will totally get you laid (youthinktoomuch).

Don’t worry. This is all part of the process. I will tell you that you’ve gone too far or that you’re taking my insane ramblings too seriously. It’s only now, when you’ve seemingly lost everything, that you will learn what’s truly important in life. You will have a series of epiphanies and there will probably be a monologue in which a few heart-strings will be tugged. Then, the girl of your dreams will take you back and you will live happily ever after or at least until the sequel.

But alas, what of your best friend? I will never change for that is my lot in life. You will be forever different and I will remain trapped for eternity in this state of suspended animation, having provided the basis for others to learn. I am the best friend. I am your angel and your demon. I have an impossible number of baby-seats in my van. And that chick is way too hot for you anyway.

Rob Corddry is an actor. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.