News > Culture > Our Kids Are Fucked: Emo Threatens Nation's Youth

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TUESDAY FEBRUARY 27 2007 1:00 PM

Our Kids Are Fucked: Emo Threatens Nation's Youth

Submitted by B_Werner

Edited by erin_broadley

According to a local news report in Grand Forks, North Dakota, "emo" is the next youth movement to corrupt the sensibilities of American teenagers, replacing goth culture as the number one enemy of parents everywhere. Yes, that's right; My Chemical Romance is just as, if not more dangerous than Elvis shaking his hips on television, violent movies and even Marilyn Manson.

The story focuses on the 'cutting' phenomenon, but links all manner of dangerous anti-social behavior to wearing tight clothing, hanging out in your bedroom and making mixtapes. Best of all, humorous sites like the Insta-Emo Kit are taken seriously and local youth are interviewed, revealing that teenage angst is shockingly alive and well. What would Kurt Cobain think???

Don't worry, though; the town sheriff knows what's happening and is on the case investigating the infamous "emo scale," which kids everywhere use to evaluate each other's emo-ness; the reporter points out that if you've attempted suicide, you "hit the jackpot." It's times like these that The Onion appears to be a viable news source. Enjoy.

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Comments

Ily

Bolivia

February 2007

FEB 27, 2007 07:41 PM

bwhahahha that was hilarious.

I've always disliked those fake emo kids, there so fucking overrated. What the fuck do you cry about? "No one understands me, I'll go cut myself"

siamkittie

New York, NY

March 2006

FEB 27, 2007 07:54 PM

I cut to feel...

(had to post it again )

5371W

Elizabethtown, KY

May 2005

FEB 27, 2007 09:47 PM

Gives my dumb hair a bad name. ( I stole it from jrock, I swear)

LittleCinders

I'm lost

January 2007

FEB 27, 2007 10:26 PM

adjunct said:

LittleCinders said:
in my own personal experience, today's so-called "emos" are the kids that used to play sports and make fun of me in middle school. apparently, it is now cool to be a nerd, as long as you and your friends have a uniform and all listen to the same shitty music.

Yeah, before emo kids there were never cliques and exclusivity in high school subcultures.

of course i'm not denying that there has always been a ridiculous arbitrary segregation in high school. there always will be. what i'm saying is, i don't understand how now it is "cool" to be an outcast, whereas a few years ago, i got the shit kicked out of me for it. it just sucks that there is an entire group of kids that are utilising self-pitying behaviour to gain attention, rather than actually trying to deal with their issues, real or fabricated.

Ikit

USA

May 2005

FEB 27, 2007 10:36 PM

If you kick an emo-thing in the face and it cries, are you doing it a favor?

anthonyd

Aurora, MO

April 2006

FEB 27, 2007 10:46 PM

One day they will grow out of it, if they do kill themselves, oh well, the world is overpopulated anyways.

drummer5

Syracuse, NY

August 2005

FEB 27, 2007 10:51 PM

So earlier today me and a few of my friends decided that if Emu's hung out at the mall, the emo ones would hang out in hot topic.

mat8drb

United Kingdom

October 2004

FEB 27, 2007 10:57 PM

That's hilarious.

The best we had in the UK was an opinion piece in the Daily Mail (around 4 million readers) which went down a very similar line about how evil this cult is.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

requium

Australia

June 2003

FEB 27, 2007 11:19 PM

HAHAHA That Sheriff is dumber than som water I have swum in!

Luddite

Anderson, CA

December 2005

FEB 28, 2007 12:23 AM

I kinda liked how they zoomed in on "Myspace"

SPANKY84

Killeen, TX

November 2004

FEB 28, 2007 12:24 AM

Girthii said:
I think the only real danger to emo kids is frequently getting their little emo asses kicked by kids that are frequently annoyed with their constant whining.

+1 LOL