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  • TUESDAY FEBRUARY 27 2007 1:00 PM

Our Kids Are Fucked: Emo Threatens Nation's Youth

Submitted by B_Werner

Edited by erin_broadley



According to a local news report in Grand Forks, North Dakota, "emo" is the next youth movement to corrupt the sensibilities of American teenagers, replacing goth culture as the number one enemy of parents everywhere. Yes, that's right; My Chemical Romance is just as, if not more dangerous than Elvis shaking his hips on television, violent movies and even Marilyn Manson.

The story focuses on the 'cutting' phenomenon, but links all manner of dangerous anti-social behavior to wearing tight clothing, hanging out in your bedroom and making mixtapes. Best of all, humorous sites like the Insta-Emo Kit are taken seriously and local youth are interviewed, revealing that teenage angst is shockingly alive and well. What would Kurt Cobain think???

Don't worry, though; the town sheriff knows what's happening and is on the case investigating the infamous "emo scale," which kids everywhere use to evaluate each other's emo-ness; the reporter points out that if you've attempted suicide, you "hit the jackpot." It's times like these that The Onion appears to be a viable news source. Enjoy.

 

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Comments
blackroseMD1

blackroseMD1

Tacoma, WA
April 2003

FEB 27, 2007 03:45 PM

Oh no! I don't have any points. I'm a loser at emo. *sniff, sniff*

skull

hadees

hadees

Austin, TX
December 2003

FEB 27, 2007 03:46 PM

Those damn flightless birds. When will the world wake up.

adjunct

adjunct

Philadelphia, PA
July 2002

FEB 27, 2007 03:46 PM

Uh, the emo test page is a joke. Virtually every resource that story covers is a joke.

There is just no fucking media literacy on this site anymore.

redragon4t4

redragon4t4

Guelph, ON
July 2005

FEB 27, 2007 03:48 PM

It's hilarious how you only get the "jackpot" points for attempting suicide. Emo's don't commit suicide, they only attempt it.

If you want to get the super-high double points and win the game, you have to actually commit suicide. Just look at all the high-scoring goth kids.

SmellsLikeSciFi

SmellsLikeSciFi

Houston, TX
April 2004

FEB 27, 2007 03:51 PM

it's up on youtube...looks like lcrisp@wdaz.com is going to get an inbox full of tears.
frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown

_DictionaryGirl_

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

FEB 27, 2007 03:58 PM

adjunct said:
Uh, the emo test page is a joke. Virtually every resource that story covers is a joke.

There is just no fucking media literacy on this site anymore.



Oh, I know full well it's a joke site. wink

I just wanted to see how much of a threat to myself and others I'm considered over yonder in Fargo or wherever the hell this was.

KMFCM

KMFCM

Peekskill, NY
September 2002

FEB 27, 2007 04:00 PM


THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

I swear

make fun of some dumb kids, and all of a sudden it's "hey, we gotta save these dumb kids!!"


this thing is SO going in a song BTW


(the whole "emo meter", once again reminds me of an episode of Ranma 1/2 where Ryoga learns an attack that only works if you're depressed, and the more depressed you are, the stronger the attack is)

bigorangemachine

bigorangemachine

York, ON
January 2005

FEB 27, 2007 04:06 PM

I think the guys (co-journalist) face was so funny... sucks his lip in and agree's lol....

I have long hair.. it covers my eyes sometimes...
But you'd be damn'd if I didn't smile when the sun shines....

adjunct

adjunct

Philadelphia, PA
July 2002

FEB 27, 2007 04:06 PM

_DictionaryGirl_ said:

adjunct said:
Uh, the emo test page is a joke. Virtually every resource that story covers is a joke.

There is just no fucking media literacy on this site anymore.



Oh, I know full well it's a joke site. wink

I just wanted to see how much of a threat to myself and others I'm considered over yonder in Fargo or wherever the hell this was.


That wasn't directed at you, so much as a general sigh of disgust. That emo test page has been around nearly since before the internets.

I have a ridiculously high score. It's just a bunch of different things that keep adding up to me listening to FOB and getting the stupid teardrop/rooster haircut.

Synthiviper

Synthiviper

Chicago, IL
June 2004

FEB 27, 2007 04:08 PM

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at how stupid some people are. Although, if I cried they'd probably put me in a hospital on suicide watch.

So I'll just be an amused observer with a secret, brooding hatred for morons.

Sebast

Sebast

Quebec, QC
August 2003

FEB 27, 2007 04:35 PM

Stupidity kill people...if your dumb enougt to cut yourself..well.. puke

BiffWebster

BiffWebster

Springfield, MO
September 2005

FEB 27, 2007 04:41 PM

Hahahahaha funny shit

DrFeelgood

DrFeelgood

USA
February 2007

FEB 27, 2007 04:48 PM

I love the smell of napalm after a EMO concert.

jamieX1

jamieX1

United Kingdom
October 2006

FEB 27, 2007 04:54 PM

WTF ahh ahh ahh ha ha ah tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue
oh it hurts please stop tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue no no no please
this is hilarious tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue ah .....oh god my ribs hurt tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue I ....I I cant breath tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue
what no points for me tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue

jamieX1

jamieX1

United Kingdom
October 2006

FEB 27, 2007 04:55 PM

oops

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