BLOG VIEW | HEADLINE VIEW

CULTURE

POLITICS

MUSIC

CELEB

Our Kids Are Fucked: Emo Threatens Nation's Youth

TUESDAY FEBRUARY 27 2007 1:00 PM

Submitted by B_Werner. Edited By erin_broadley.

According to a local news report in Grand Forks, North Dakota, "emo" is the next youth movement to corrupt the sensibilities of American teenagers, replacing goth culture as the number one enemy of parents everywhere. Yes, that's right; My Chemical Romance is just as, if not more dangerous than Elvis shaking his hips on television, violent movies and even Marilyn Manson.

The story focuses on the 'cutting' phenomenon, but links all manner of dangerous anti-social behavior to wearing tight clothing, hanging out in your bedroom and making mixtapes. Best of all, humorous sites like the Insta-Emo Kit are taken seriously and local youth are interviewed, revealing that teenage angst is shockingly alive and well. What would Kurt Cobain think???

Don't worry, though; the town sheriff knows what's happening and is on the case investigating the infamous "emo scale," which kids everywhere use to evaluate each other's emo-ness; the reporter points out that if you've attempted suicide, you "hit the jackpot." It's times like these that The Onion appears to be a viable news source. Enjoy.

133 Comments

PAGE:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

... 9

CannibalChef

Pittsburgh, PA

November 2005

FEB 27, 2007 01:11 PM

Thank you for making my day.

Just out of curiosity, are suicide attempt "jackpot" points cumulative? Does the method used have an effect on your score? Can points be redeemed for mascara or eyeliner from Hot Topic?

mrtuesdaymorning

I'm lost

April 2005

FEB 27, 2007 01:12 PM

Haha, thank you so much for posting this.

BonnieBlu

HOPEFUL

Australia

FEB 27, 2007 01:13 PM

CannibalChef said:
Thank you for making my day.

Just out of curiosity, are suicide attempt "jackpot" points cumulative? Does the method used have an effect on your score? Can points be redeemed for mascara or eyeliner from Hot Topic?

Emo frequent flyers. I think your on to a no-fail money making scheme there, my friend.

joker_

Windsor, CA

October 2005

FEB 27, 2007 01:14 PM

Are these people serious? This is some kind of satirical joke right?

Karilynn

Minneapolis, MN

February 2007

FEB 27, 2007 01:16 PM

LOL oh wow, that was a good laugh. my sides hurt!

hahahahaha

Girthy

Canoga Park, CA

July 2005

FEB 27, 2007 01:22 PM

I think the only real danger to emo kids is frequently getting their little emo asses kicked by kids that are frequently annoyed with their constant whining.

mamet

Charleston, SC

March 2005

FEB 27, 2007 01:24 PM

Oh. My. God.

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

FEB 27, 2007 01:24 PM

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAK:HFKAL"GH"KSDLGHDSGJ:I?EJ:?<VGHSK:!!!!!!#@#!#

Man, oh man. I LOVE it. It gets me every time.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

tattlover

Maple Grove, QC

October 2006

FEB 27, 2007 01:29 PM

That is ridiculous, lol!, i can believe that they even went as far as documenting this,.. if these kids cut themselves thats theyre freakin problems, i get called emo cuz i listen to music about love, or stuff like that, peoples opinions on emo's can vary and i find it stupid that they are generalizing everyone who might dress with thigther clothes, sorry if i dont want to dress in pants that me and my 4 sibblings can fit it, its stupid, it pisses the hell outta me.

P.s. YAY FOR EMO!!!!!1

zyryx

Tyler, TX

April 2004

FEB 27, 2007 01:30 PM

oh god

MrStitches

Sag Harbor, NY

November 2003

FEB 27, 2007 01:32 PM

I can't believe they showed that emo emu picture.

Dika

SUICIDEGIRL

Ohio, USA

FEB 27, 2007 01:33 PM

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAK:HFKAL"GH"KSDLGHDSGJ:I?EJ:?<VGHSK:!!!!!!#@#!#

+1

linelin

Tampa, FL

June 2006

FEB 27, 2007 01:33 PM

If only they got points for actually dying instead of just attempting suicide the world would be such a better place full of less shitty music and poetry.