I’m a tattoo snob. I’ve tried hard to be accepting of all works on skin, but I’ve given up. Resistance is futile.

You know what I’m talking about. You’re at the gym flexing your tattooed sleeves, admiring how they shine, glisten even, with sweat; then he approaches. The guy with no neck and the tattoo armband that doesn’t even go entirely around the arm because the inside just hurts too much. He stops in front of you to eye your work, and then gives you the knowing nod. The nod! As if you have some great common bond. An unspoken communiqué to all tattooed bench pressers that we are one.

But there is no Borg collective of body art. I’ve spent half my life researching history, interviewing experts, studying portfolios, attending conventions, and sexing artists to become tattoo cognoscenti. I will not be assimilated!

Instead, I will learn to embrace my inner snob. I will pass judgment from my computer screen over what needled skin qualifies as fine art and what is a spring-break mistake. Most importantly, I will engage in the all-time passion of self-important critics: I will create Dos and Don’ts Lists.

This week in tattoo news provided plenty of fodder for my first list.

Tattoo Do
Jim Carrey loves tattoo fetishists. The actor said he’ll be getting more tattoos because it makes women hot, especially his girlfriend Jenny McCarthy. While Jim already has a smallish tattoo, it was his heavy coverage of faux tattoos for the film Number 23 that got Jenni all aroused. He said, “It's amazing what a tattoo does for a girl. Girls love tattoos, man." For understanding the sexual appeal of body art, the Dumb & Dumber dude is a Do.


Screen cap of Carrey's faux tattoos from Number 23.


Tattoo Don’t
Fetishes can be taken too far, however. I’m a fan of head tattoos. Hell, I have one of my own. But needling your noggin for cheap press is a definite don’t. UK tattooer, Blane Dickinson, put out a call for a volunteer to get a free tattoo, but with a catch: he wanted to tattoo someone’s head with a full English breakfast. Nineteen-year old Dayne Gilbey stepped up to the plate. It took six hours to complete the bacon, eggs, sausages, beans and cutlery. He’ll have a lifetime to regret it.




Tattoo Do
Pink’s tattoo tribute to her dead dog is a Do. While I’ve criticized the singer in the past for body art blunders, I support her choice this time in marking the passing of a loved one on skin. For the bulldog, who drowned in her pool last month, she tattooed, “A time to weep. A time to mourn. Sleep in peace.” At least it’s better than the ubiquitous star on the wrists and ankles of It-girls.


Tattoo Don’t
Dogs, kids, moms. All Dos if you want to tattoo their names on your bod. But a lover’s name is just bad tattoo juju. In the news this week, the Chicago Courier News warns against sweatheart tattoos rightly proclaiming that most last longer than the relationship. Personally, I’ve seen too many requests for cover-ups of once eternal loves. One guy got his wife’s name for their ten-year anniversary. The same month she filed for divorce. Another tattooed his girlfriend’s name on his back as a birthday gift to her. Just two days later, he was back to cover it up as she freaked out and left him because of the gesture. The lesson here: Don’t fuck with the tattoo gods.


Tattoo Do
Tattoo agencies are wising up to using actual tattooers to design imagery appealing to us “edgy” folk. Scott Campbell explains why tattooers are a Do for the ad biz:

Tattoo Don’t
Outside professions seeking the expertise of tattoo artists is not all fun and profit. Unfortunately, too many are called upon to help the police identify the bodies of murder victims through the tattoos.


Tattoo Do
Tattoos on arty porn stars and boxers: Do, Do, Do!




Tattoo Don’t
Tattoos on fish: Just Don’t.




Marisa_DiMattia is a lawyer and editor of Needled.com, a blog on tattoo art and culture.