This holiday season it is important for those of us who write weekly columns to let our fans know that our pure minds are full of Christmas wishes. So, I would like to assure my readers that my head is practically bursting with Holiday Hopes. My ears pound with the power of my Noel-y Desires and my nose runs red with the force of my Yule-Tide Yearnings (plus cocaine).

So, dear readers, here are my wishes for the year 2007. You’re welcome in advance.

I wish, of course, for Peace on Earth™. That’s a given. But, I would not mind there being a war now and then because the best rock music is always written during wartime. So, I wish for Peace on Earth™ but with a War option.

I wish that no child would ever go hungry. Actually, fuck that. Some of those Midwestern kids could use a day or two of hunger. But then again, if those fatties had to go a day without a bacon-burger they’d probably start eating each other. Which leads to my next wish…

I wish cannibalism didn’t exist. If God had meant for us to eat each other then he wouldn’t have put apples on trees or Foie Gras in baby geese. Sure, who doesn’t like to chew on their own finger skin and who hasn’t had the urge to bite a cute baby on the head? And how many times have you been tempted to kidnap a pretty girl and flash-fry her cheeks in olive oil? Luckily there’s a built in system in place to prevent cannibalism. For instance, everyone knows that if you eat a close relative you will have retarded children.

I wish they would combine Christmas with made up holidays like Hanukah and Kwanzaa. We could open presents, get Chinese food and go to a movie while doing whatever the fuck it is people who celebrate Kwanzaa do. And Hindus have to get their act together if they want their fake holiday, Pancha Ganapati in the mix as well. It sounds like a fun holiday. Except I don’t think those people drink very much. Which reminds me…

I wish my hangovers didn’t feel like cancer. Remember the days when you could drink all night and get up for work, no problem? I don’t, because I was so blissfully drunk most of the time. Now, if I have more than four drinks I’m vomiting my soul and shitting my heart all day long. I want a new drug. One that don’t make me sick. I’ll take suggestions. And samples.

I wish Zeppelin travel had caught on.

I wish the moon would split open and shower golden toys on all of the world’s minority children. All of them! Even the white ones in Africa! Even the smart ones in Hungary! And then I wish we could fill the two leftover halves of the moon with chocolate, dunk the fat Midwestern kids into the vats and feed them to the world’s hungry. Of course, that would be going against previous wishes. Not cool.

I wish I had had a gay experience in college. What a perfect time for it, right? No guilt, because I would most likely have been drunk at the time. And I was involved in the theater so there were plenty of hot gay dudes to go around. It’s too late now. I’m married. Plus, I hear cock tastes terrible most of the time except, probably, right after a shower. Although then it probably tastes like soap. See, in college I never would have thought about any of that. Why didn’t I just do it? Because I’m not gay? Boring!

I wish I could take back that whole last paragraph. I wish computers were equipped with some kind of “erase-last-paragraph” button. I mean, we have the technology to crack open the moon but we can’t delete stuff we’ve already typed!? That’s lame.

Finally, this holiday season, I wish that just for a moment, we could relive the simple happiness we felt as little children celebrating our respective holidays. I wish we could all remember those fleeting moments of innocent wonder and experience them again. If only we could bottle that joy and sip from it when the pressures of adulthood grew too strong. If only we could encapsulate that bliss and swallow it like a pill when holiday stress became too overwhelming. Oh how I wish we could roll up our childhood delight and smoke it. I want to cook my childish glee-powder into a liquid and shoot that shit into my veins. Mmmmmmmm. Innocence. Oh yeah. That’s some good shit.

Happy Holidays.

Rob Corddry is an actor. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.