Everyone in Hollywood wants to get their hands on a naked gold man. And everyone is so excited that for weeks there’s a frenzy over speculation about the lucky folks who will be stroking some shiny bald guy. Well, everyone, that is, except for me.

It’s Oscar time and yet again I find myself to be the only one who just doesn't seem to care all that much about the Academy Awards. Sure, I watch the broadcast every year, and, like many, I complain about the show or the speeches or the horribly scripted banter between presenters or the outdated musical numbers, but the truth is, I just don't care. Perhaps you don’t care either? So, really quick, without doing a search online, answer this: Who won for Best Picture last year? C'mon, what’s the answer? Can you tell me who won for Best Supporting Actor last year? Yeah, I don’t remember either.

These awards don’t seem to matter all that much – it ends up being more of a career killer to the winners. Sure, they gain respect, but winning an Oscar can be more of a curse that a boost. Oscar winners are usually not so much a barometer of true quality as it is a reflection of what was popular at the time.

One of the main reason I don't care much about the Oscars is that the organization only seems to acknowledge one genre of filmmaking – the drama. That's it. Other organizations that give countless awards to artists like the Grammys, acknowledge that you can't compare hip-hop to jazz music. Which is why comedic performances rarely ever get nominated and that forces the likes of Tom Hanks or Eddie Murphy or Jim Carrey or Robin Williams to appear in dramas in order to gain that Oscar respect they crave so much.

The Academy Awards is the ultimate popularity contest and the world watches with baited breath. All except for me. I have many theories about each category when it comes to choosing the winner and I will divulge my secrets to you. If it helps you win the office Oscar pool, then I’ve done my job. And if you lose because of me, well, it was just an honor to be able to help you. So, with complete and total apathy, I present to you the 2007 Annual Os-Gore Predictions… (cue graphic… roll it)



Just like the show, let's begin with the awards that virtually no one cares about leading right up to the big five. First up...

In the category of Documentary (short subject) , the nominees are…
The Blood of Yingzhou District
Recycled Life
Rehearsing a Dream
Two Hands

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Recycled Life
It's all about the environment this year, so this one is the odds-on favorite.

In the category of Film Editing, the nominees are…
Babel
Blood Diamond
Children of Men
The Departed
United 93

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
The Departed
Thelma Schoonmaker is Martin Scorsese long-time collaborator in the editing suite and she'll take the gold this year for a stellar job.

In the category of Makeup, the nominees are…
Apocalypto
Click
Pan's Labyrinth

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Pan's Labyrinth
Pan's will take this one because Mel Gibson is not so popular at the moment and, um, can you imagine any Adam Sandler movie getting an Oscar?

In the category of Animated Short Film, the nominees are…
The Danish Poet
Lifted
The Little Matchgirl
Maestro
No Time for Nuts

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Maestro
Really, your guess is as good as mine here, but this is the one film I have seen.

In the category of Live Action Short Film, the nominees are…
Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)
Eramos Pocos (One Too Many)
Helmer & Son
The Saviour
West Bank Story

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
West Bank Story
Again, I've seen this short which takes a comedic look at the turmoil in the Middle East by turning a turf war into a musical comedy.

In the category of Best Foreign Language Film, the nominees are…
After the Wedding, Denmark
Days of Glory (Indigenes), Algeria
The Lives of Others, Germany
Pan's Labyrinth, Mexico
Water, Canada

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Pan's Labyrinth,
Again, it will be a good night for Guillermo Del Toro as Pan's will get the acknowledgement it deserves.

In the category of Best Adapted Screenplay, the nominees are…
Sacha Baron Cohen and Anthony Hines and Peter Baynham and Dan Mazer and Todd Phillips, Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Alfonso Cuaron and Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, Children of Men
William Monahan, The Departed
Todd Field and Tom Perrotta, Little Children
Patrick Marber, Notes on a Scandal

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
The Departed
Sure, it would be fun to see Borat give an Oscar speech, but William Monahan will win for The Departed. Some will think there's a sweep coming, but that's just not going to happen for any movie.

In the category of Best Original Screenplay, the nominees are…
Guillermo Arriaga, Babel
Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, Letters From Iwo Jima
Michael Arndt, Little Miss Sunshine
Guillermo del Toro, Pan's Labyrinth
Peter Morgan, The Queen

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Letters From Iwo Jima
Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis will take this one home.

In the category of Best Animated Feature Film, the nominees are…
Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Monster House
Well, I want to see Monster House and it should win, because it is clearly the best in terms of quality. Happy Feet is just torture for adults to watch and it could win if my environmental theory proves to be true, so look for either of these to take it.

In the category of Art Direction, the nominees are…
Dreamgirls
The Good Shepherd
Pan's Labyrinth
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
The Prestige

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Pan's Labyrinth
Other films have been financially successful, which usually works against winning an Oscar. Academy voters like to award films that they feel need to be helped along.

In the category of Cinematography, the nominees are…
The Black Dahlia
Children of Men
The Illusionist
Pan’s Labyrinth
The Prestige

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Children of Men
Again, the Academy will spread the love around.

In the category of Sound Mixing, the nominees are…
Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Dreamgirls
Flags of Our Fathers
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Flags of Our Fathers
The Academy loves Clint Eastwood and considering that the age of the voters tend to run on the high side, Flags will take it.

In the category of Sound Editing, the nominees are…
Apocalypto
Blood Diamond
Flags of Our Fathers
Letters From Iwo Jima
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Letters From Iwo Jima
Spread the love!

In the category of Original Score, the nominees are…
Babel, Gustavo Santaolalla
The Good German, Thomas Newman
Notes on a Scandal, Philip Glass
Pan's Labyrinth, Javier Navarrete
The Queen, Alexandre Desplat

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Notes on a Scandal,
Philip Glass did create a great score.

In the category of Original Song, the nominees are…
"I Need to Wake Up" from An Inconvenient Truth, Melissa Etheridge
"Listen" from Dreamgirls, Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven
"Love You I Do" from Dreamgirls, Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett
"Our Town" from Cars, Randy Newman
"Patience" from Dreamgirls, Henry Krieger and Willie Reale

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
"I Need to Wake Up" from An Inconvenient Truth
Melissa Etheridge will prime those at the show as they prepare to see Al Gore get his Oscar.

In the category of Costume, the nominees are…
Curse of the Golden Flower
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls
Marie Antoinette
The Queen

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
The Devil Wears Prada
It's simple, chicks dig the clothes in this movie.

In the category of Documentary Feature, the nominees are…
Deliver Us From Evil
An Inconvenient Truth
Iraq in Fragments
Jesus Camp
My Country, My Country

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
An Inconvenient Truth
This one is a lock. The real debate is whether Al Gore will announce his candidacy for President of the United States.

In the category of Visual Effects, the nominees are…
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
This category could be renamed "Best Genre Film," which will explain this choice.

In the category of Best Supporting Actor, the nominees are…
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg, The Departed

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Eddie Murphy

In this category, it's not so much about the best performance, as who the Academy would like to see give a speech. And you have to admit, Eddie's earned it.

In the category of Best Supporting Actress, the nominees are…
Adriana Barraza, Babel
Cate Blanchett, Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi, Babel

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Abigail Breslin

Best Supporting Actress seems to be a way for the Academy to award the "best newcomer to the business." Plus, she's so damn cute.

In the category of Best Actor, the nominees are…
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Peter O'Toole

This falls under the category of "Ooops! We love you and forgot to give you an Oscar." Now that O'Toole is at the end of his career, he can enjoy that statue on the shelf. Plus, old chicks dig Pete.

In the category of Best Actress, the nominees are…
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren, The Queen
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Kate Winslet

She's been overlooked too often and this also fits into the "spreading the love around" theory I am sticking to this year.

In the category of Best Director, the nominees are…
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Babel
Martin Scorsese, The Departed
Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Paul Greengrass, United 93

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is…
Paul Greengrass
Yes, it's an upset. Many are saying Scorsese. And Scorsese clearly deserves it for his amazing career. Scorsese has blown it in the past by acting like a sore loser. It's unfortunate that he is not well liked by Academy voters, so he'll walk away the loser. The Academy is going to give the love to United 93 in the interests of the film's powerful filmmaking and social relevance.

In the category of Best Picture, the nominees are…
Babel
The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

And the predicted Os-Gore winner is… The Departed

While the Academy tends to award films that highlight some high-minded social issue, there are just too many socially relevant movies to choose from, so they’ll cancel each other out. This year will see a Martin Scorsese-directed crime drama walk away with the gold. In fact, expect the Oscar-love to be spread around with no film achieving a clear “sweep” but with many films getting an Oscar or two or maybe even three.

And if you want a sure winner, make a side bet with your friends that Ennio Morricone will win an Honorary Award and that
Sherry Lansing will get the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award. The recipients of these awards have already been announced so you can take that gold to the bank. Another sure bet - the Oscars will be long and boring.

Check in after the show to see how close my Os-Gore predictions were to the actual outcome... I'm kind of excited to find out.

Gore gone.

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker, the creator of Film Threat, and plans to wear a tuxedo and crash an Oscar party or two.